Weekend Photo Journal: All That Glitters

 

glitter, sparkles, twinkle. all that

I genuinely love this time of year. The only thing I miss out on in London is snow! I mean real blizzard snow, not the 12 drops that fall  and causes all transport to stop because no one knows how to deal with it.

To get me in the festive mood a ton of sparkly yumminess really does the trick. Especially on New Years, don’t you think? Therefore, since it’s that time of year, it’s only fitting that I do a weekend photo journal about everything that glitters, sparkles and shines. I normally send this out on a Saturday but seeing as this weekend is Christmas I’m posting it now. Either way, who knows you may get some inspiration for New Years Eve, if you haven’t sorted everything out to the tiniest detail already!

So without further ado… May I present everything that’s deliciously sparkly and twinkly.

*Warning: I might have gone slightly overboard with all that glitters….

❤ ❤ ❤

All the images were found through Pinterest. You can see my board  for all the details.

Love Seemed Much Simpler in My Parents and Grandparents Generation

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Does anyone else feel like things are moving too fast nowadays when it comes to dating, love and relationships in general? Or am I the only one woman island in the middle of nowhere? As I look at my parents and grandparents’ relationships I have come to the conclusion that things have become a little warped. It definitely doesn’t seem so rosy anymore and somewhere along the way there seems to have been more rules put in place to make things even more difficult.

Since when was there a playbook developed of do’s and don’ts in contacting the opposite sexes? We seem to all be floating around not really certain of where we stand anymore. Do we text them or not? Do we make the first move? Should we be swiping 100 times to the right just to make our quota for the day? Because more is obviously better, or so I’ve been told. Where has the commitment gone? Where has the adventure of getting to know someone gone? Are the only two things I have to look forward to in life is superficial dating apps and TV shows where you get naked to see if you’re attracted to them? I mean call me old fashioned but what penis is attractive? And fanny holes? Jeeeeessssuuus help me.

I’m not joking about that TV show by the way. It’s actually called ‘Naked Attraction’. Apparently in the first episode there’s a line of men put in front of a woman and they drop their pants to show off their saggy junk. You don’t see their upper body. Have we become so desensitised as a people that we don’t care anymore.

I look at my parents and think how have they stuck it out. Of course they get into fights. My mom is crazy and my dad is stubborn. But every day when my dad leaves the house he gives my mom a kiss. And then my momma gives him one back. They smile and go about their day. They talk, albeit a lot. But that’s communication. They seem committed to one another; through thick and thin. When times were rough they banded together. They worked at it. They laughed. And according to my mom they still have sex. (I just threw up). They’re in their 70’s and to be honest good for them. I just don’t think my ears have to hear things like that.

My grandparents (maternal side) were together for like 70 years until my grandpa sadly passed away. Those two used to yell at each other so much that I thought they were going to kill one another. I remember being 6 years old in New York when my grandparents came over from Greece to live with us. My grandpa (who I called Dedo) would call my Baba (grandma) stupid (the most mild of them all) and she in turn would insult him right back. However, they loved each other. They stuck it out. Baba was there through Dedo’s battle with Cancer. They kissed, (granted on very rare occasions because they were old fashioned like that) they hugged and they even cooked together. I remember them making kielbasa (type of spicy sausage) in the kitchen while singing old Macedonian songs in their house in Northern Greece. As I remember these things, trying to figure out where we all went wrong, I realised that they did not grow up with the same amount of choice that we have now. Their world was a lot smaller. They met people in person; when neighbours still talked to one another. My grandparents went to the same elementary school and got married in their teens. My parents met at a Greek church while they both happened to be studying at Ohio Wesleyan University and literally after 9-10 months my dad asked for her hand in marriage. They tied the knot in December 1968. You do the math.

Love did seem simpler then. Less choice and no internet I imagine. Previous generations didn’t have unlimited access to porn. They didn’t have the option to look at pictures online and jerk-off. Or swipe quickly through hundreds of photos in the hopes that they bettered their odds in the return. There was no Facebook, or Instagram or match.com. There was nothing. So they were able to walk up to a person and start a decent and genuine conversation. They were able to smile longingly at one another and were able to really get to know each other. And finally, they actually wanted to get married. I know right, what a weird concept. By the way I’m not saying that everyone should be married. In fact I do think it’s just a piece of paper at the end of the day. What’s important and what I’m implying is the commitment part. The working together part. The being together through happy and sad times part.

I’m tired of today’s society when it comes to love. I’m tired that men and women take things like relationships for granted. That they never fully commit because they always think something better will come along. Why? Because there’s just too much choice. People date, start relationships and still flick through Tinder, Badoo and whatever else in the hopes of finding someone better. Someone that will love them the way that they want to be loved without any compromise. Someone that will do everything. Well here’s a thought. What about communicating? Meeting in the middle? Working at something with every fibre of your being? How about, stop taking the easy road. Stop quitting. Just a thought.

I look at both the previous generations and I see an era of fighters. As I look at mine, I see shrugged shoulders and whatever faces. I see women, my friends, yearning for love and always being let down. I see men who don’t know whether they’re coming or going. In general I see a bunch of confused souls happy to live the fast paced life of just judging someone by a photo on their screen. I see a generation that’s decensitised to everything.

What will the future hold for a hopeful old school romantic such as myself? Not much I would suspect. Because I can’t bring myself to go on dating apps. Believe me, I’ve tried. But I just can’t do it. I do better with talking to people in person. You know why? Because that’s the real me. When I’m texting, trying to get to know someone, I over think my answers. I type and delete, delete and type, 300 times before I send something out. I wait in replying because one can’t seem too eager, and then have to wait ages for the other person to respond because we’ve both listened to some invisible handbook of ‘How to court someone in the 21st Century’. However, in person,  you’re the real you. You also get to see the other person’s body language. Their tells. You learn a lot about a person with watching them answer questions or how they react to something you’ve said.

Maybe I’m too much of a hopeless romantic with an over zealous streak of cynicism. Maybe I’ve been hurt on one too many occasions. Maybe I’m not willing to conform to modern day society. Maybe I’ve over romanticised the past. Or maybe I haven’t.

Maybe, maybe maybe…

Anyway, I don’t know guys, maybe I will end up being a spinster for the rest of my life and that’s that. But I do know that I’m not so sure I will get to have what my grandparents had or furthermore what my parents have…

Parents

My Parents

But here’s to hoping that not all is lost.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to succumb to Naked Attraction and watch penises for the next hour. Because that’s what these modern folks are doing nowadays right? Eeehhhh…. right. Off I go.

❤ ❤ ❤

A Little Wednesday Wisdom…

Wednesday Wisdom

 

Happy Hump Day my little fluffy pandas! I mean big up to at least getting this far without collapsing in tears as the last drop of wine leaves the bottle. Well done you! I of course can’t say the same thing, but I keep on plodding along the best way I know how… like an alcoholic that’s dead to the world. Okay, okay! In all seriousness I decided to pass along some Wednesday wisdom to help me and you get through life’s awefulness. And what better way to do it than to throw some sparkly, funny gifs at you!  So here we go!

Firstly, don’t forget to…

smile gif

The more you smile the better your insides feel. No seriously! Nobody wants to deal with a dreary, mopey, miserable Martha. So start smiling more. Smile when you look at yourself in the mirror. Smile at strangers. Smile at friends and family and of course smile at your spouse/partner more. You know you give them a shitty time on occasions so just do it okay!!

Secondly… (And this is super important)

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I’m sick and tired of people talking about a gluten-free, dairy-free vegan bonanza, laced with happiness-free, miserable-filled diets! You, do, you, boo boo, and leave me to my bread-loving ecstasy. I believe that people can achieve anything in moderation and to be completely honest I think it’s a miserable existence when your whole life centres around 500g of protein and barbells. So stop looking at my burger with envy yet blasting me for clogging my arteries. Bitch I exercise so that I can treat myself. Life’s too short people!

Thirdly, It’s ok to say that….

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No one knows exactly what they are doing all the time. And besides, sometimes…

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Ladies these next two are for you. No matter what, you will remember these for all of eternity…

That’s right ladies! Hoes before Bros always! And listen to Chris Rock because he knows what he’s talking about.

Make sure to never turn into this…

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Don’t forget that even if your going through the shittest of times, Goldblum’s assurance goes a long way to ease your weariness…

giphy (6)

And lastly…. When in doubt, always remember to DO YOU and to…

everyone else (1)

❤ ❤ ❤

 

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going back to my positivity and kicking ass for the rest of the day…

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What Will Become of Love In 100 Years?

what will become of love in 100 years

Recently I was thinking about relationships, dating and love in general. I suppose I’ve been pondering about it more because illogical things keep happening to me when it comes to men. That’s the nicest way I can put it. I also get super emotional when I see old people holding hands. Which I’m witnessing less and less by the way. However, I’m totally comfortable enough to admit it. I love seeing old people together. THERE! Anyway, in the midst of my contemplation I started to actually wonder if love would be possible 100 years from now.

Do you ever just take a moment out of your day to reflect on a question that’s got you stumped? Well, the above question did just that to me. In fact, it had me all flustered. It was a hard question to answer, even if it wasn’t based on scientific proof and just my own opinion. I don’t know what love is doing in this decade so how could I even fathom the concept of it evolving 100 years from now. What would that evolution be? Would it even still exist? Or would it become obsolete? All tough questions, I know! However, if I were to narrow it down, my general answer (after thinking long and hard about it) is that love as we know it won’t ever be the same again.

I always romanticise the past when it comes to love. I envisioned men bowing a lot more, with hats being lifted off their noggins. Women would let the men chase them and they would chase with vigorous enthusiasm. And once the pursuit came to a simmering temperature they both would settle and raise a family together for the rest of their lives. I think of these things and I genuinely chuckle at myself. Firstly, I am glad some things have changed. You know like feminism! But I’m not going to lie, men have become lazy and women are showing their goodies all over social media. Where is the romance? Where is the mystery? Where is the chase? I suppose things have to evolve. We change, ideals change, technology creates change. So I guess I can’t expect to find what my parents have found almost 49 years ago. They met at a Greek church for crying out loud. I for one don’t remember the last time I went to church. Therefore that way of chance meetings is completely moot for me. In fact all chance meetings are becoming moot in this day and age. Why you may ask? Well we are in the masked flat-screens of solitude era. We have become so used to burrowing our heads that we are missing everything around us. How can we expect men to pursue us when they have hundreds of thousands of women at their disposal. Just by one tiny flick of an index finger they start the sift-through process of weeding out the ones who are not worthy. No doubt when they’re in the zone their finger looks like it’s participating in an intense gaming session with the back right button of the console moving up and down in overtime. Can you picture it? Well here’s a little visual when they pause for a breather…

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We are in the age of now, now, NOW! There is no slow lane for the dating department. So when thinking about love in 100 years time it’s safe to say that it will all be digital. Perhaps like the movie “Her” where Joaquin Phoenix fell in love with his digital helper. Virtual reality will become more prevalent. And soon we will all be slaves to our mobile devices. I wish that relationships weren’t heading in this direction. But the knowing makes one realise that changes will need to be made. I must succumb to the digital era in order to find a potential mate. I wonder if I can start a movement to get away from such nonsense?

Perhaps with the way things are going there will be no spontaneity left. Maybe we will be assigned partners that will increase our chances of better, stronger, smarter offspring? I think the future will be more regimented for the sheer fact that it will be easier. And what’s easier than taking away emotions from a partnership. You simply put two people together so they can cohabitate a space, then they can apply to acquire an offspring from some facility, you raise that offspring with military coldness and then you die. Was that too harsh of a scenario?

Either way I truly want to hold on to that of the yesteryear generation. Aziz Ansari made it clear in his book “Modern Romance” (a must read by the way) that people used to not have much choice in the matter. That the true essence of choice has hindered our potential in the love department. And I agree. Back in those days it was easier to meet potential partners. Most of the people that Aziz intwrviewed all made one point clear, that their chance encounter happened within a block or two of where they lived. It was their inner circle, their community where they met their future spouses. Now we have the internet, where we can meet people in other countries. We hold out because we have higher standards, waiting for this perfect apparition of a human being. But all this holding out may hinder our chances to find true love. (If true love even exists.) There is so much choice that has inundating our daily lives it is impossible to find ‘The One’. If we find an ‘8’ that loves us we’ll hold out for a ’10’ instead. Furthermore once we have accepted a person into our lives it is virtually impossible that people will stick it out through thick and thin. Because we will always find an out. We want an out. A clause or guarantee that reassures us that forever is not actually forever.

I think the future looks bleak in the romance department. We will be like the clones of those obese vessels in ‘Wall-E’ where we sit in front of a screen ordering closeness with people online. We will seek pleasure through state of the art virtual reality goggles seeing the perfect body that no real-life human could ever compete with. Our self esteem will become a little flicker of a flame deep within the recesses of our souls. Or maybe we would’ve been so glued to our couch/screens that we wouldn’t have looked at ourselves properly in years. Who knows! All I’m saying is that if in this decade we are experiencing hundreds of outlandish horror stories when it comes to love then what the hell is in store for us 100 years from now?!

I’m wishing upon all the luckiest trinkets which might potentially exist in this world that it won’t turn out so  excruciatingly bad. I guess I better find someone quick or I’ll probably be doomed, forced to live a life by my lonesome with my stuffed panda bears and some cats. Oh wait, I’m already living that dream minus the cats. At least I’ve now got a goal, cats.

….ah,  I suppose it could be much worse.

❤ ❤ ❤

Finding ‘The One’: How I’ve Decided To Look At Things Differently When it Comes To Soul Mates

soul mate, the one, changing views on love

Despite my recent disastrous fling with a moron, I am still quite open to meeting the so called “One”. I mean let’s be honest, who am I to pooh-pooh an emotion that has been around since the invention of time, even if my idea of men has declined throughout the years. I still want to believe, I know that much. I suppose I still feel like there might be something out there. However, I am also accepting of the fact that it might never happen for me, which believe me, I have come to terms with. But before I officially wave the white flag and succumb to a life of solitude, I have chosen openness in changing my views a little.

Take a look at the following quote… Buddhist's say, love, calm, serenityIt kinda makes you go… “well I’ll be…that makes sense”. How many of us become filled with anxiety, wonderment, as if you’re chasing an elusively cunning fox at the start of a hunt? I have felt like that on almost all of my budding romances. The never knowing, the questioning, the annoyance of never understanding actions or lack there of. Now ladies, before you analyse the above to oblivion and back by saying that the heart pounding , weak knees thing is a sure fire sign of knowing that you are falling for someone, forgive me, I don’t believe it is. I have come to the conclusion, after many hours of deliberation, that those strong uncontrollable feelings is the initial infatuation that kicks in. We have to push those to the side, not erasing them mind you, just enough to have a clear and level head. Because as we all know, no one thinks clearly once their hoohaa has been contaminated by a penis. Clear all that hocus-pocus out of the way and feel your inner self with this human being you’ve started a relationship with. Does it feel calm? Does it quench your sanity? Do you feel at ease? As if you were in that comfortable stage of pre-slumber. You know what I’m talking about right? That feeling when you’re lying in your bed, all safe, secure, having found the best position known to man. You give a very satisfying exhale which makes room for the deepest inhale of elation that your body has ever felt. It’s a great feeling. That’s the feeling I equate with the quote above. That euphoric feeling that coats you all over. That sensation of pure and utter zen-praying mantis-meditation of being- on another level of calm type of elevation. If the answer is no, and stress, anxiety and whatever else restricting you from a Mr. Miyagi, wax on wax off status, then I’m afraid it’s time to bounce.

As I thought more and more about the quote, I started to realise that I too wanted to have that sense of calm with someone. I didn’t want those games of the heart. I was tired of all the organ pounding and weakening of limbs. The thought of being with someone and feeling no anxiety was an odd concept to think about. We as women are always anxious about relationships. Questions flood our brains. Insecurities soon take over. Internal battles commence. And you are left pretty much wrecked and feeling like a fool.

After analysing the relationships throughout my life, most of them were met with the cupids syndrome; diagnosis of weakened knees and other nonsense. However not all was lost. There did happen to be two that I felt calm with. Both who made the phrase “Easy like Sunday morning” make sense. It was easy with them. Having little to no anxiety was a good thing for me mentally and agitation was unheard of. Yet here is my slight dilemma. Now that I’ve had two such souls grace my personal space, does that mean I am all done for? Who knows. On the hopeful side, there were two, not one. Which one might conclude that if I can have two then who’s to say there won’t be a third? Therefore, I’m choosing to look at the world with a ‘half full’ attitude. I choose to change my views on what I should expect when starting off with someone new. No more weakened anything! I choose calmness and peaceful serenity instead. I am 120% good with that.

❤ ❤ ❤

 

 

The Sobering Act of Taking Pictures of Yourself in Your Underwear…

Overweight-girl-looking-at-underweight-reflection

No… Just to be clear, I wasn’t starting out in an overweight fetish industry. Nor was I trying to seduce a potential suitor. I am not interested in men for the foreseeable future and I’m not in the right country for people to appreciate a good curvy, round, plumpy woman. Unfortunately, I took photos of myself in my underwear because some loser decided that you have to possess “before” images  in order for  you to commit to a healthy fitness lifestyle. A lifestyle that you’ve been dreading to start for the last 4 weeks. Boy, I sure would like to meet the moron who came up with this idea.

Can I just say stripping down to barely nothing was a torturous affair. I mean to be completely honest, I never see myself nake. No it’s true! I hate the way I look. Nor do I weigh myself for that matter anymore. I shunned these acts. Defied even the thought of them. However, I do think it’s mainly because I become slightly obsessive with these things. If I weighed myself, I would probably end up doing it every morning. Which I’ve done in the past and let me just say that it was definitely not healthy for me, mentally. But despite all that, recently, I have acknowledged that something’s got to give. I need to start making life-changing decisions that will benefit me in the future. Plus I’m tired of people looking at me in a certain way. You know half pitying, half ‘awww she would be so pretty if she lost weight’. I’ve even had a man say that he wouldn’t be with me because of my weight. Which of course added to my insecurities. I almost melted into a black hole that day. However, let’s be clear of one thing. I do NOT want to change because others say so. I want to change because it will better my life. I already feel tired all the time. Walking up stairs is a pain in my ass, and I officially can’t see my hooo-ha anymore. Yeah I said it! Anyway, my goal is to be a sexy, curvy, healthy woman. I am not losing weight to be a skinny stick with no ass. Curves in all the right places for me please.

I’m already 32 by the way. Fuck knows where the years have gone. I swear it was just yesterday that I remembered being 30kg lighter and still complaining that I was too fat. First world problems, I know. Simply ridiculous. But now I have a serious problem and this dump truck of a body must be eliminated from my frame.

Let me tell ya something my precious pandas. If you are not prepared to take photos, or if your brain has concocted an alternate image of yourself in your head, then this will shock you back down to reality. You can sort of cover up, hide, and/or adjust your silhouette under clothes. Especially if it’s winter! But there’s nowhere your fat can go once the absence of material has been lifted. It’s slightly soul crushing to say the least. And just when you’ve sort of come to terms with how you look like from the front and side, you turn around (back facing the mirror) and that’s when you lose all hope. Obviously you check your reflection from time to time to see how your outfits look, therefore you know generally what to expect once the clothes come off. But the back of you? Umm….No. That was the harshest of realities that I had to face. The ripples of my cheeks melting into the back of my thighs was a cruel punishment to bear witness to. I really couldn’t help thinking that I resembled….

41wpBoQexXL

Looking at Mr. Marshmallow man (from Ghostbuster) felt like I was seeing my reflection for real. Or at least that’s what I felt like at the time. Gosh, it’s so easy to put yourself down isn’t it? When I looked back at the photos that I took that day, my soul sank. My motivation sank. The wall that I had to climb got bigger because now I saw all the damage that I did to my body. I saw every flaw, fat and lump that needed to be worked upon. So I suppose, excluding the initial reaction, it was a good motivational kick up my ass. I now look at those pictures and then look at photos of myself at a much thinner size. It not only makes me realise how much I’ve gained but pumps me up to lose it all again. Every day I look at my ripply backside and reassure myself that I will never be like this again. That I will work my heart and soul to the point of exhaustion, in order for me to become healthy again.

All in all, if you guys are trying to lose weight and are brave enough to take a photo of yourselves just as you start on your journey, it most definitely will give you the push that you’re looking for. But brace yourselves, there is a reason why all those ‘before’ photos show nothing but miserable faces. My face was on the verge of tears. But after my meltdown, you know what I did? I brushed my saddened thoughts to one side and realised that this is the start of something great. That all I had to do to cheer myself up was to envision my ‘after’ photo with a huge smile on my face.

We all need motivation to start on a difficult adventure. But I really can’t wait for that accomplished feeling at the end of it all. So pandas, go on and take those ‘before’ photos. After the initial heart-attack to the image, you will receive a defibrillator to the chest in motivation. And remember, bettering yourself is a process. We will fail, learn lessons, succeed, fail again, cry, and succeed again. Just keep at it and know that it will take a whole lot of patience and a truck load of dedication.

❤ ❤ ❤

 

One of The Worst Things That a Woman Could Hear From a Man…Or in General for That Matter.

the fear of never being good enough

Originally I was going to post a nice little write-up about how my walls came crashing down and how I let someone in and how nice it was and blah blah blah. But in the space of one day things have changed and now I’m going to let some steam out.  I will try and keep the swearing to a minimum but if I stick with my truth mantra (always be honest) then the first part of this sentence is bullshit. Anyway, this is the story of the worst thing I could have heard as a reason not to continue dating me. It might seem long, sorry, but keep reading!

I met a man recently. In fact I was praising the fact that he had awakened something inside of me from the initial kiss to not understanding why I never was in a situation where it was the right time and place with someone. Yet I was happy that someone was interested in me. Someone who appeared to be a gentleman.

We met in Cyprus through a friend of mine. He made the first move. He was always initiating everything and let’s not forget to mention that he seemed like the nicest man that I had ever met.Which I know I’ve already said. After the kiss I didn’t think anything of it. But he added me on Facebook the next day. The thing is we both were coming back to England. He was living in Bournemouth and had to finalise some things for his permanent move back to Cyprus. Therefore he was going to be here for a little over a month. I decided to send him a Facebook message to see how the packing was coming along and before I knew it we were talking through Skype. And after a short conversation he ask to meet up at the weekend. Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t have agreed to letting a man, who I hardly knew, stay with me the whole weekend but I decided to say ‘Fuck it’ and do something out of my comfort zone. I was nervous as hell. I didn’t want him to see me naked. To see the loosened skin separating from my non-existent muscles. Truly, I was petrified. But I thought, he pursued  me, so he must find me somewhat attractive. On that Friday when he came over, I made a comment in reference to my weight. As all insecure women know, we have to excuse ourselves for some reason. And his response was “Are you crazy? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror. You have a beautiful face. And your smile is amazing. The weight can be fixed if you’re unhappy.” His answer was refreshing. It made me feel a little more at ease. And besides, I reminded myself yet again that this man ran after me.

Him being in London went without a hitch. He was affectionate, attentive, listened, cared, and pretty much all-round great. While we laid in bed on the Saturday he expressed his want for me by saying “Come to Cyprus”. Implying that I should move back there. I just giggled at the thought. At that moment this was just a good time and nothing more. On the last day he asked if I would come down to Bournemouth. Which I said yes to almost immediately. Why not right?! What have I got to lose? If anything my Va-jay-jay was getting a good clear out from all the dust and cobwebs it was harbouring. So it was a win-win situation. I made my ticket for two weeks later.

During those two weeks he called every day. We either skyped or chatted through more conventional methods. He would make comments about my beautiful smile, talk to me about what he was doing,about his family and past experiences. You could say this thing started to develop into something for me. Mainly because this man was doing things that all the others have not done. Which was to simply be there and be open and be present. Therefore by the time it came for me to go to Bournemouth I was a little excited to see him again.

While there, he took good care of me. On Saturday we were driving home from the seaside and he said that if we were in the same country this thing would have worked out between us. I was taken aback. All I asked was “really, you think?” and he said “yes I do.” So as you can imagine when Sunday came rolling along I was, surprisingly, saddened by the whole affair. The departure was torturous. I guess it was the thought of leaving something that I couldn’t see threw. That I will always have to say ‘what if’? What if we were in the same country? In the long run I knew that this man wasn’t for me. But for the moment, I didn’t want it to end. I wanted another few stolen moments with him. As I took a bus back, all the way to London, I cried. Not because I really cared for him, but because feelings had resurface from the depths of my broken soul. I remembered what it was like to be with someone. And a part of me yearned for it just a little longer. I was so moved by all these fucking feelings that I decided to write him a FB message. It simply stated that I had appreciated the way that he treated me. It meant a lot. He somehow made me feel good enough again. But after I clicked the “send” button I somewhat regretted what I said. I opened up too much. Exposed my inner workings to someone who I didn’t really know, to the point of actually letting my vulnerability leak through. So like all idiotic women, I had to send another message. Saying I shouldn’t have been so forthcoming. His only response was “Relax, I’ll call you tomorrow.”

As the next day came slowly around I was uneasy, unsure and very emotional. He called at 9 that evening and he asked if I was alright. I said that I was fine. And he interrupted and said “Because yesterday you seemed really upset.” I grew silent. Carefully selecting my words. “I was just a little emotional because I had a good time. It’s been a long time that I’ve been very closed off. And in the beginning with you I was the same, however something happened and I couldn’t help it. But I’m sorry that I wrote that message on Facebook.” And he said, “No don’t be. It was the nicest thing that I’ve ever received in my entire life.” And for some reason, something inside of me wasn’t feeling 100% with this situation. So I blurted out “Honestly, if we were in the same country, could you have seen this continuing?” And his response was… “Yes and No.” I was like what?! “Ok, why no?” He paused, and said “Well, it’s two things. One, is that you smoke and even though you are in the process of quitting I would ask that you never do it again. And two, (get ready for this one) is your weight.” I froze. I said “Wait a minute. Are you telling me that you wouldn’t continue this because I’m too fat?!” and he said “…Yes”. I was in such shock that I closed the phone.

How does a man have the right to say that to a woman? How does he get to build a woman up, her self esteem raised and her head held high, and then with one sentence render her mute, unworthy and not good enough. This man was basically telling me that I was good enough to fuck, yet not good enough to be in a relationship with. His words cut me. I was already insecure. I was already stressed out by society to look a certain way. He didn’t know what health issues I was going through. He didn’t know anything about me. Yet here he was, telling me that I was unhappy and that I should lose weight. Now, I’ll have you know that this man is no Adonis! So for the life of me I couldn’t understand why he said what he said. Because he for sure, has not found the holy grail of perfection. I think the thing that I questioned the most was, how could a man say and do all these things and then shatter you. I had been with different men all of which let me know their real character from the beginning. This one, I found to be of the worst kind. The one you never see coming.

That whole night I cried, and I couldn’t remember the last time I did that. I even called my friends who consoled me and cried along with me. Because they knew what I’ve been through. And they knew that this was yet another set-back in the world of bullshit dating. The next day I felt sick. I didn’t even want to look at my fat self in the mirror. I couldn’t eat and I left work early. I knew that I had to confront this man. I couldn’t let him off with such a sentence being unchecked. So that evening I called and went on and on for 52 minutes. He kept on apologising. He begged for me to accept his apology and I said no. I didn’t want to have anything to do with someone who was so superficial and had no ambitions in life. I certainly don’t deserve to be treated like that. And if I accepted the apology then I am accepting what he said. And no woman should accept that. He meant what he said. He said I wasn’t attractive but if I lost weight I could be more attractive. I mean what ever happened to the fact that looks will fade? And once they do, what in the fuck will you have to offer? There is so much more to people than how they look. It’s the inner workings that intrigue and fascinate me. Do they make me laugh, can we have deep conversations? Does he quench my soul?

So, what had I learned from all of this? Well, that men (people in general) can be cruel creatures. Sometimes, even though you may have super thick skin, there will come a time when someone will break your defences down and rip out your heart…. again.

At the end of the day, I know that I am a great person, not perfect, but great nonetheless. If the gods or the fairies of this world had intended for all of us to be the same then we would have been created that way. Evolution would have made us all identical. Like fucking sharks or alligators. At the moment I have extra pounds. So what! I accepted him with all his flaws. Why couldn’t he have the courtesy to do the same for me. Why couldn’t he look deeper? Even for a short while! But no, society has made everyone question everything about themselves. And I’m tired of always fearing that I’m not good enough. That I don’t compare to those models who have all the curves in all the right places. I’m tired of the shallowness. I’m tired of Tinder and Badoo. And I’m tired of men and women thinking that words don’t scar, leaving very deep open wounds.

I’m pissed to say the least. I’m slightly hurt but more so pissed. However, I know, as with everything else in my life, I will get over it. I will file this away with the worst of them and move on.

Ladies, we are all beautiful and bring so much to the table. If men can’t see you for you, then they can go fuck themselves. End of story.
Ps- On the bright side, at least I won’t ever have to say “what if” over this asshole. Which is exciting because it’s one more that I can crossed off the list. 

❤ ❤ ❤