This realisation was a pretty painful one to admit to after sitting and contemplating it for a while. Reason being, I like being on my own. I like not having to answer to anyone, I like sleeping in the middle of my double-size bed and #sorryNotsorry, but I like not sharing. In fact, I like relying only on myself. And to top things off, you might gasp but, I actually really love being alone all the time. So when this bastard of a flu came around one day, I found myself hallucinating about soup being brought to me on a cloud of kisses, amongst other things. And that’s when it hit me, in between shivering and throwing up, I missed the comfort one brings when they take care of you. The strength that they pass on and the love that oozes out from their pores is a wondrous blanket that engulfs you. You feel safe… secure in a little cocoon.
I started this post back in October, which was originally going to be about something completely different but certain things have changed my mind and now I need to get it out before I lose my marbles.
So I have a bit of a habit my dear pandas. I like going on Amazon. I actually love it. It’s just like an oasis of wonderful goodies. Everything that you could possibly desire is on there. Movies, books, electronics and so on. For a long time (since 2004) I’ve had the privilege of calling Amazon my trusted pal. A pal that always knew what I wanted. A pal that would never say anything harsh to me. But certain things have changed. Amazon called me out on something the other day, and I wasn’t too happy about it. In fact I wanted to wage war. Okay, not really but it did kinda hurt my feelings.
Can I just say that after so many years of being in ridiculous relationships, floating around in an odd bubble, I have loved the last two year stint of absolute aloneness. It’s been great. No honestly! I found out what I want, who I am and where I want to go. It’s actually quite a liberating experience. And I highly recommend it! That’s why the above quote hit me like a ton of bricks. I actually wanted to write to Ms. Warsan Shire and say “You are awesome girl! You totally fucking get me!” It does feel good. I have somehow magically repaired myself through this solitude. I feel whole again. I feel like me again. Like the silly idiot who always wants to burst out laughing and loves life. And I will not be bamboozled into having some randomer come in to my life and destroy what I have built. I will only allow someone come into my world who makes me even better than I am. Someone who can aid, nurture, and add to my silliness. Anything less would be a mockery. It would be a down right stupid choice to make. And I am sure as hell, over stupid choices.
So here’s to embracing your inner loner-self and actually loving it.
Last night my friend sent me this delightful image…
Funny right? I thought so, in fact I actually laughed my ass off! “Oh they think I’m going to turn into a crazy cat lady, ha ha ha. Those guys!” But then I started to get hot flashes and heart palpitations. It would seem that it caused a slightly more volatile reaction then what was originally intended. “Oh my god, they think I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life! Am I too set in my ways? Do they think me as a dry crusty plain toasted piece of white bread who is so plain she will never even be labelled as the granary kind? Is it because I’ve turned into a fat tubby pile of sh*t?! That’s got to be the reason!” After this quickfire round of insane questions and statements ricochetted around inside my cranial skull, I then started to believe that all had been lost, that hope had left the building and I might as well accept my plight and go quietly down with the sinking ship. My imagination ran wild with one miserable scenario in particular that repeated itself over and over again. It was of me roaming (most likely waddling) the desolate streets of whatever godforsaken city I was in and be known to all as the plumpy pied piper of cats.