When a Loaded Word (c**t) is Flung in Your Direction…

Today started off as any other day. I sent out my CV to potential job opportunities (I was made redundant), had lunch and then decided to do my daily walk around town.  It would always end at my local Waitrose (grocery store chain in the UK) where I would pick up a few necessities and then make my way to Costa Coffee where I would splurge and get my decaf peach iced tea. Yes, that is what I call splurging at the moment. This has been my routine, my world, for the last 2 months. A simple one. But today was not like any other day, today was the day I was called an uneducated C**t in an upscale grocery store.

I personally hate the ‘C’ word. Which is why I can’t even bring myself to write it down in this post. Yes, I have written swear words unapologetically before. But this one is something I can’t do. And the word carries a more loaded, heavier, vulgar connotation when it’s being easily flung by a man’s lips towards your direction. It becomes even weightier when you search into his eyes and know that if you were alone with him and not in a crowded store with witnesses, the scene would have ended in a very different way.

It all started as I was waiting in line to pay for my things. There was a man who was two people behind me talking. At first I thought he was talking to someone but then I realised that he was complaining about waiting in line. He started swearing and saying the staff were incompetent and other abusive nonsense. The woman behind me, who was much older than I, was getting agitated and a little fearful. As we waited he kept on saying these things under his breath but loud enough for his neighbouring line members to understand everything. The woman that was behind me left the line. And I simply had enough. So I turned to him and said ” We are all waiting and I know it sucks to wait but relax it will go by quick.” That was all I said. He paused turned to look at me and went in. “Mind your own fucking business, who the fuck are you. Mind your own fucking business.” I was not shocked at his response because I realised he was a man that was always itching for a fight no matter who it was with. I’m pretty sure that even a 90 year old defenceless woman would have felt his wrath had she dared to utter two words to him. So I turned around, without saying another word and went to the cashier to pay. Unfortunately now his rage was not directed at the staff but towards me.

As I was trying to pay he approached the cashier line and to my dismay he came to the next cashier closest to me and kept on spewing his venom in my direction. I finally said loudly ” Is this what you do? You start fights and verbally attack women?” And with that he paid, brushed right past me and said “shut the fuck up you uneducated C**T!!!” as he walked out the store. The hatred that he had for me was palpable. It was as if I had killed his own mother. It pored out of him easily, without remorse or embarrassment.  I didn’t realise it at the time, but I allowed myself to become so flustered that my whole body started shaking uncontrollably. It took all my strength to try and get my Visa card into that thin slot and punch in the correct numbers. I was shaking because I saw red, I saw a man who was allowed to walk the streets and spew hatred everywhere he went and all I could think about was beating the shit out of that poor excuse of a human being. Obviously I would have lost because he was a built brainless gorilla, but I would have given it my all nonetheless.

For some reason it got to me. This exchange shook me and I think it was because an aggressively large man that was obviously holding onto a lot of repressed anger killed me with two words. I allowed those words to have meaning. I gave them power. But I later realised that I was most upset because my old self would have stood there in defiance. Would have taken it and not flinched and cried afterwards  as she walked by herself towards home. I would have brushed it off and carried on without a care in the world. My old self would have held her ground in that grocery store. And that’s when I realised that somewhere along the way, I had lost myself. With all my health problems, and stress about money and finding a job and not having true support from friends or family it had all chipped away at me. All to the point of not being able to stand there and defend myself like I once knew how to do.

Granted if we were to replace the aggressive man with an aggressive woman then I’m pretty sure those words wouldn’t have stung so deep. Unfortunately it wasn’t. And unfortunately this man, didn’t know my backstory when we met on the battlefield. He didn’t know that I was suffering and trying to overcome my own demons. He didn’t know that I was a shell of the woman I once was. But even if he did I’m pretty sure he would have acted in the same manner. Because some people don’t care how they affect others. Some people just like to feel powerful and words can belittle a person’s soul even more so than a physical wound ever could. Words, if heard often enough can wither you down to the point of losing all self-worth. It’s funny because as I look back on my life, it has always been the words that I have remembered the most and not the physical altercations. And if you hear enough of them in your lifetime it becomes a constant battle to always remember that you are a human being who deserves love just like everyone else.

I don’t know the story behind the man with the vinegar tongue but I’m pretty sure it’s a sad one. I’m pretty sure his upbringing wasn’t the best. Equally, I’m almost certain that he had a male figure in his life that has passed on these vulgar tones of hatred in his soul; probably coupled with a mother who didn’t show him enough love as a child. I’ve seen people come from similar backgrounds who vow never to be like their predecessors. But alas, I don’t know his story so I won’t sit and ponder the what if’s of his youth. But somewhere along his lifeline, this man fell between the cracks and anger has been the fuel to aid his fire. All I feel, in this moment, is pity for him. That is the only thing I will allow myself to give to that man.

As for me, I will brush this off. I have brushed this off. But I’m sharing this because I wanted to express my sorrow for those who use words as a venomous weapon. Please choose your words wiser next time. Try and envision where your opponents shoe’s have been. Don’t be so quick to jump the gun and plough someone down without a care in the world. What we all need to do is start using words that hold the receiver’s best interests at heart. We need to be uplifting people. We need to educate children better in order for them to grow up and be caring individuals. And above all, we must be kind to one another at all times. We are not here on this planet for very long, wouldn’t you want your legacy to be that of a kind, giving and caring human being?

❤ ❤ ❤

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A Little Wednesday Wisdom…

Wednesday Wisdom

 

Happy Hump Day my little fluffy pandas! I mean big up to at least getting this far without collapsing in tears as the last drop of wine leaves the bottle. Well done you! I of course can’t say the same thing, but I keep on plodding along the best way I know how… like an alcoholic that’s dead to the world. Okay, okay! In all seriousness I decided to pass along some Wednesday wisdom to help me and you get through life’s awefulness. And what better way to do it than to throw some sparkly, funny gifs at you!  So here we go!

Firstly, don’t forget to…

smile gif

The more you smile the better your insides feel. No seriously! Nobody wants to deal with a dreary, mopey, miserable Martha. So start smiling more. Smile when you look at yourself in the mirror. Smile at strangers. Smile at friends and family and of course smile at your spouse/partner more. You know you give them a shitty time on occasions so just do it okay!!

Secondly… (And this is super important)

food(1)

I’m sick and tired of people talking about a gluten-free, dairy-free vegan bonanza, laced with happiness-free, miserable-filled diets! You, do, you, boo boo, and leave me to my bread-loving ecstasy. I believe that people can achieve anything in moderation and to be completely honest I think it’s a miserable existence when your whole life centres around 500g of protein and barbells. So stop looking at my burger with envy yet blasting me for clogging my arteries. Bitch I exercise so that I can treat myself. Life’s too short people!

Thirdly, It’s ok to say that….

giphy (4)

No one knows exactly what they are doing all the time. And besides, sometimes…

giphy

Ladies these next two are for you. No matter what, you will remember these for all of eternity…

That’s right ladies! Hoes before Bros always! And listen to Chris Rock because he knows what he’s talking about.

Make sure to never turn into this…

giphy (5)

Don’t forget that even if your going through the shittest of times, Goldblum’s assurance goes a long way to ease your weariness…

giphy (6)

And lastly…. When in doubt, always remember to DO YOU and to…

everyone else (1)

❤ ❤ ❤

 

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going back to my positivity and kicking ass for the rest of the day…

giphy (3)

What Will Become of Love In 100 Years?

what will become of love in 100 years

Recently I was thinking about relationships, dating and love in general. I suppose I’ve been pondering about it more because illogical things keep happening to me when it comes to men. That’s the nicest way I can put it. I also get super emotional when I see old people holding hands. Which I’m witnessing less and less by the way. However, I’m totally comfortable enough to admit it. I love seeing old people together. THERE! Anyway, in the midst of my contemplation I started to actually wonder if love would be possible 100 years from now.

Do you ever just take a moment out of your day to reflect on a question that’s got you stumped? Well, the above question did just that to me. In fact, it had me all flustered. It was a hard question to answer, even if it wasn’t based on scientific proof and just my own opinion. I don’t know what love is doing in this decade so how could I even fathom the concept of it evolving 100 years from now. What would that evolution be? Would it even still exist? Or would it become obsolete? All tough questions, I know! However, if I were to narrow it down, my general answer (after thinking long and hard about it) is that love as we know it won’t ever be the same again.

I always romanticise the past when it comes to love. I envisioned men bowing a lot more, with hats being lifted off their noggins. Women would let the men chase them and they would chase with vigorous enthusiasm. And once the pursuit came to a simmering temperature they both would settle and raise a family together for the rest of their lives. I think of these things and I genuinely chuckle at myself. Firstly, I am glad some things have changed. You know like feminism! But I’m not going to lie, men have become lazy and women are showing their goodies all over social media. Where is the romance? Where is the mystery? Where is the chase? I suppose things have to evolve. We change, ideals change, technology creates change. So I guess I can’t expect to find what my parents have found almost 49 years ago. They met at a Greek church for crying out loud. I for one don’t remember the last time I went to church. Therefore that way of chance meetings is completely moot for me. In fact all chance meetings are becoming moot in this day and age. Why you may ask? Well we are in the masked flat-screens of solitude era. We have become so used to burrowing our heads that we are missing everything around us. How can we expect men to pursue us when they have hundreds of thousands of women at their disposal. Just by one tiny flick of an index finger they start the sift-through process of weeding out the ones who are not worthy. No doubt when they’re in the zone their finger looks like it’s participating in an intense gaming session with the back right button of the console moving up and down in overtime. Can you picture it? Well here’s a little visual when they pause for a breather…

giphy

We are in the age of now, now, NOW! There is no slow lane for the dating department. So when thinking about love in 100 years time it’s safe to say that it will all be digital. Perhaps like the movie “Her” where Joaquin Phoenix fell in love with his digital helper. Virtual reality will become more prevalent. And soon we will all be slaves to our mobile devices. I wish that relationships weren’t heading in this direction. But the knowing makes one realise that changes will need to be made. I must succumb to the digital era in order to find a potential mate. I wonder if I can start a movement to get away from such nonsense?

Perhaps with the way things are going there will be no spontaneity left. Maybe we will be assigned partners that will increase our chances of better, stronger, smarter offspring? I think the future will be more regimented for the sheer fact that it will be easier. And what’s easier than taking away emotions from a partnership. You simply put two people together so they can cohabitate a space, then they can apply to acquire an offspring from some facility, you raise that offspring with military coldness and then you die. Was that too harsh of a scenario?

Either way I truly want to hold on to that of the yesteryear generation. Aziz Ansari made it clear in his book “Modern Romance” (a must read by the way) that people used to not have much choice in the matter. That the true essence of choice has hindered our potential in the love department. And I agree. Back in those days it was easier to meet potential partners. Most of the people that Aziz intwrviewed all made one point clear, that their chance encounter happened within a block or two of where they lived. It was their inner circle, their community where they met their future spouses. Now we have the internet, where we can meet people in other countries. We hold out because we have higher standards, waiting for this perfect apparition of a human being. But all this holding out may hinder our chances to find true love. (If true love even exists.) There is so much choice that has inundating our daily lives it is impossible to find ‘The One’. If we find an ‘8’ that loves us we’ll hold out for a ’10’ instead. Furthermore once we have accepted a person into our lives it is virtually impossible that people will stick it out through thick and thin. Because we will always find an out. We want an out. A clause or guarantee that reassures us that forever is not actually forever.

I think the future looks bleak in the romance department. We will be like the clones of those obese vessels in ‘Wall-E’ where we sit in front of a screen ordering closeness with people online. We will seek pleasure through state of the art virtual reality goggles seeing the perfect body that no real-life human could ever compete with. Our self esteem will become a little flicker of a flame deep within the recesses of our souls. Or maybe we would’ve been so glued to our couch/screens that we wouldn’t have looked at ourselves properly in years. Who knows! All I’m saying is that if in this decade we are experiencing hundreds of outlandish horror stories when it comes to love then what the hell is in store for us 100 years from now?!

I’m wishing upon all the luckiest trinkets which might potentially exist in this world that it won’t turn out so  excruciatingly bad. I guess I better find someone quick or I’ll probably be doomed, forced to live a life by my lonesome with my stuffed panda bears and some cats. Oh wait, I’m already living that dream minus the cats. At least I’ve now got a goal, cats.

….ah,  I suppose it could be much worse.

❤ ❤ ❤

Where Has The “Delicious Tango of Minds and Universes” Gone?

couple looking longingly at each other

My fluffy Pandas! Hope you’re all doing well.

Sunday night I was looking at my Facebook Newsfeed, partly because I was bored and mostly because I had just finished from a long weekend of firsts for me (which I will explain in another post) so I really didn’t know what to do with myself. As I was scrolling, I stumbled upon one of Juliette Lewis’ posts. Firstly can I just say that I have loved her since the 80’s and secondly I once bumped into her right off of Charing Cross Road in London. I was with my friend at the time and we were just faffing around, not really knowing what to do for the remainder of our time together. When lo and behold this petite woman walked past us. I was like “DUDE!! that’s Juliette Lewis! I love her!” We then proceeded to follow her, desperately trying not to look like one of those questionable stalkers. She was on the phone and when she saw us hovering around and staring at her like a bunch of morons she hung up and we asked for her autograph. We only had one piece of paper amongst me and my friend, so after we apologised profusely for bothering her, she signed the lonely sheet. Anyway long story short she was super nice in person which made me like her even more than what I already did.

So back to the real story, she posted something that made me want to scream YES at the top of my lungs. Not only because I agreed with it so vehemently but because I have been spouting the same thing (For example… here, here, here and here) ever since Tinder and Badoo came into existence.  Here it is before I start yapping on and on….

Juliette Lewis on dating apps

I mean right?! Like, exactly this! Every perfectly chosen word hits home with a loud bang. For me, personally, I have found it hard to conform to these dating app/online shenanigans. I tried Tinder once but hated it and Badoo was equally as disappointing. I did meet a man through the latter one who tried to “date” me but he had major issues with opening up and commitment. So that ended up becoming sex every once in a blue moon. So after that experience I got rid of the apps. I was fed up really. I was annoyed that I had to put a photo up of myself along with a short biography that no one ever reads. I hated the fact that I was being judged on photos only. What about my wit, or the twinkle in my eye, or seeing my genuine smile or hearing me laugh? These apps are missing the most important bits of you. The tiny nuances that make you, you! These frozen images that are carefully constructed to attract more views are on display 24/7. Therefore men can go through hundreds of women to help increase their probability that one or three will respond positively to them. They are not looking for the one. They are merely looking for the one right now. And then the one two days from now. And then the one 3 weeks from now. We are in the disposable era. In fact we are so quick at the process that someone invented a technique which only takes a single swipe to say you don’t like the way they look.

Whatever happened to wanting to get to know a person? As Juliette Lewis says, people don’t want to ‘deliciously tango their minds and universes’ together. To intertwine their experiences, feelings, thoughts, hopes, fears. Where is the late night deep, meaningful conversations? The laughter? The tears? Why do we want to accept this doomed world of robotic humanoids who only interact with electronic devices. Aren’t your necks fucking stiff by know? All that looking down. We are forgetting what it is to be human. To love deeply and to open your soul to another beautiful soul. I fear that in about another 10 years our younger generations will not know how to speak to another human, face to face. They will be the shielded screen generation. The mutes who probably will have evolved to possessing 12 fingers and telepathy.

Men are forgetting about chivalry and  the coy, intricate workings of the chase. And women unfortunately, are allowing themselves to be caught without a fight. Not even questioning where the wooing, courtship, romance has gone. We are accepting things as “well, that’s evolution for ya! I will jump on the bandwagon because every other woman has done so.” We as women are allowing these men to treat us as second hand products that they can swipe through to get to the shinier  newer ones. Where have our standards gone women?! Personally, at this very moment, I do not care that everyone and their mommas are on these apps. I do not enjoy them. I find texting a tedious task that only proves how cowardly people have become. I mean for example, on two separate occasions I was excommunicated  with through a Facebook  message and via a text. These men didn’t even have the balls to call me. They didn’t respect me enough as a person to give me the common courtesy of a phone call.

I want to hold onto the fact that people can still meet in a random time and place and catch the playful longing in someone’s eye across the room; which entices you to gravitate towards each other. As you start talking you might notice that they have the cutest, tiniest freckle grazing the corner of their lips. You find out they laugh with such gusto for life and they touch your arm gently to let you know they are interested. The sensations make you blush slightly. The musky yet playful air of flirtation runs rampant as they brush the hair away from your face. Then suddenly your senses get hit again. This time with a deliciously enticing scent. For a second your mind wanders as you engulf their aura. You try and lean closer. You’re interested. And as this beautiful sonata crescendos towards a gratifying peak you realise that a mere photo of this person would not have done them justice. In fact this small dance that was just exchanged was more intense than a ‘what’s up?’ through a text message. Because once you take a way the barrier of the screen from your electronic device you see a raw, unfiltered, unedited soul. What could be more beautiful than that?

I don’t want to settle for the mundane bullshit of me sitting at home flicking through random profile photos. I want to converse, laugh, play with their hair, brush past their arm gently and create a witty match of sentences as we discover all the unknowns. I want to live outside in the world and not the created one that we portray on social media. I want to be more than a frozen portrait on someone’s screen that they can swipe away as if shooing a fly.

Please for the love of rainbows, can we remember the beauty of a chance meeting? The power of in-person interaction. There really isn’t anything better than that cheeky glance at the beginning of a flirtatious encounter. Because in that moment, your world becomes infinite. It becomes real. It becomes a little more meaningful. And what can be better than that?

❤ ❤ ❤

 

Just Own Your Bad Decisions and Move On…

Bad Decisions, Friday, Best Stories

Happy Friday Pandas!

Can you believe it’s only two more weeks to Christmas?! I mean where has this year gone? Mentally I have started shutting down knowing that I have exactly 13 days until I go back home to see my parents in Cyprus. Whoop whoop! Anyways, enough with the pleasantries. This post is not about me going back home, but about bad decisions.

Since it’s officially Friday I started thinking about all the ridiculous shenanigans that I’ve gotten myself into throughout the years. I mean there have been some major doozies. Some of which my friends don’t even know. Well, what can I say? Sometimes I let go, and when I do, I go with the flow and do stupid things. The day after I cringe, shaking my head violently as if hoping to extract the awful memories from my brain. And when I eventually tell a friend they are either shocked or a little disgusted. To be honest, you can read it on their faces quite easily. So I haven’t really divulged all my secrets. What’s the point really. I don’t want to feel less human just because what I do may be a little crazier than most. Lately, however, I have been a lonely hermit which has to do with lack of money and the fact that I, at the moment, am stuck in a rut. Well, that and the fact that I am enjoying my loneliness at the moment. So tonight, despite it being a Friday, it will be a mellow one for me. However, if you guys decide to go out then I just wanted to say…. have a great time. Go out and do something different. Go on an adventure. Say yes to something that you normally wouldn’t. Don’t be the same old boring you. Let go for one evening even if the results turn out to be really bad decisions. Yes, throughout your life you will make some pretty stupid, very bad decisions. But don’t cringe like I used to do. The only reason that happens is because of what society and your friends deem acceptable. You are not a perfect human being. Your friends are not perfect human beings. In fact, none of us are! So don’t let anyone make you feel worse about your actions. Life is for living, isn’t it? Well take your bad decisions, own them and move on. That’s it.

Through the years I have been shamed by my actions, which resulted in me apologising for things that did not need an apology. It’s resulted in me backing away from people. It’s resulted in embarrassment. Well, I say, enough is enough. We will all do some questionable things throughout our lives. Just go with it and don’t regret anything. Because who wants to be stuck in the same boring routine where you’re trying so hard to be perfect all the time. That’s not a carefree life. So make your mistakes, dust yourself off, learn from them and move on.

With that being said my fluffy pandas, have a magical weekend that’s hopefully filled with laughter, adventure and NO regrets! As for me… I will be loving life like this tonight…

Friday Night quote staying in

❤ ❤ ❤

This Week’s Mission: Taking Some ‘You’ Time…

You time

Well, my dear fluffy pandas, another weekend has come and gone. Sunday’s are always a bit of a drag aren’t they? It’s a mixture of emotions. In the morning you’re happy because you realise you have one more day to relax, while the evening seems like a countdown to dooms day Monday. Okay maybe that’s a bit much. But as you know from my previous Sunday posts (here, here and here. There’s more but I restrained myself) that I am not a super fan of this particular day. I tend to reflex, mope and then look to the week ahead in a somewhat positive light. The only reason why I do the latter  is so as it reduces the chances of me making up an excuse to call in sick on Monday.

Anyway, this Sunday I have decided to end the weekend on a motivational high note. A mission for me as well as allb of you pandas out there. You ready? This week we are all going to be taking time off for ourselves. Yup. This week is going to be ‘YOU WEEK’! What what!

I’m not saying take the week off. However, if you can, go for it. But the reality is we probably can’t afford a week off. So what I mean is, finding the time to pamper yourselves. It may be in the form of going to that movie you’ve been dying to see. Or writing that next chapter in the novel you’ve been putting off. Or getting your nails done. Or finish reading that book. Do something for yourselves. We live in a world where everyone is on the go all the time. We are picking up kids, working, taking care of others, rushing through meals, missing conversations, worried about bills, about our families, about life. We are doing all these things and missing out on the fact that we are losing ourselves in the process. Maybe you will only take half an our a day to do something for you. But take that time off! Recharge your batteries. You will be no use to anyone if you are one burnt out panda.

So take this week to rekindle your passions. Go for long walks, go to a concert, sing in the shower really loud or create an evening without technology. Whatever you decided to do this week, do it knowing that you will be happier at the end of it.

Go forth my pandas, and get to your most beloved treasure…. YOU!

❤ ❤ ❤

 

Beauty in Today’s Society Has Got Me All Messed Up…

Mad, Frustrated at Beauty Industry

Last week someone snapchated me after about a year of not talking to each other. It wasn’t due to any one significant reason but a few little mediocre ones. All I’m saying is, he did some annoying/questionable things. But before I changed numbers I remembered him whatsapping me trying to meet up before he moved back to his country of origin. I, like all people who can’t be bothered to confront someone, ignored him. Anyway, long story short, he got back in touch and sent me a snap on a Saturday night about a week ago.

The reason as to why I’m yapping about this is because I was trying to set up some context my pandas. You see, I hadn’t seen this person in over a year. People change in a year and I certainly got fatter in a year. Everything is a chain reaction. Once I got fatter, I had to start changing things slightly when capturing myself for others to see. A bit like an optical illusion, that of which even Criss Angel would be most proud of. There was no smiling. If there was, it would be captured from afar. Otherwise I had to strategically smirk, only just slightly, making sure it came across as warm, without showing teeth. The reason being so as my cheeks wouldn’t puff up like a blow fish and my eyes wouldn’t be squinty like Tom Hanks’. I give you my about.me profile photo as exhibit A, to the right of this page. Did I portray warmth… No, in fact I look snooty as fuck.  I was my very own walking caricature when I gained weight. And thus I had to resort to illusions and trickery when taking snapchats, Facebook uploads and Instagram selfies. Why you might ask? Well, because our society of beauty clad Aphrodites are making me lose my marbles.

I’m going to reveal something to you guys. When my long lost friend snapchatted me I was looking like a dog. Glasses were on, no make-up on my face, bags under my eyes, shit was crammed in between my teeth, hair was so disgusting even the rats wouldn’t look to it as a home. I was beyond dishevelled. Obviously I had to send a snap back to not be impolite. And do you know what this loser (ME!) did? I physically got my make-up out and proceeded to apply contouring techniques to get the desired effect. I’m talking black winged eyes, bronzed cheeks and Snow Whites lips. I kid you not, I went full out. Hair and all. Next was taking the perfect snap. I situated myself near my balcony window for the best lighting conditions known to man. I lowered my chin, I tilted my head slightly to the right because my nose looks best at that angle. Jesus as I write this I want to hit myself over the head. But it’s all true. And this wouldn’t be a real confession if I wasn’t being completely honest. Next I push my left shoulder out a little to coax my collar bone out of hiding. Finally, I raise my eyebrows slightly to give off an “Oh I’m just slightly surprised, holding  the meaning of life ” look and finally I push my upper lip in a slight pout which not only makes my upper lip bigger (not in an ‘I pump my lips sort of way’) but it also makes the tip of my nose a little smaller. And voilà… the “quick” snapchat photo is born. Obviously I take a shot and then delete it until I get one that I’m somewhat satisfied with. How in the gods of feta cheese did I turn out this way? Sometimes I step out of myself and I realise how ridiculous all this is. Hence why I’m talking about it now. But most of the time I truly want to scream because I’m fairly certain that Beauty in the social media world has taken a toll on women like me.

When I go on Instagram the women on there make me really doubt myself. But it’s not fair for me to blame them, they’re just following society. And it says that beauty is in. It is always in. It is the cool girl at school. It is an A on your homework assignment. It is the promotion you get at work. It is that high when someone calls you pretty and you chase that feeling for the rest of your life. Because, we all want to be liked. And in this day and age, your personality comes second and your looks is what others judge first. It takes roughly 6 seconds to look at someone and get an impression of them. If they are put together you assume that they have their life sorted. If they look like me on my every days, which is a dishevelled werewolf, then you would assume that my life is pretty boring. Even though I might be a fun person once you get to know me, all that becomes moot if I don’t get my foot in the door with my looks. It’s sad isn’t it? How smart, beautiful on the inside and out women have to arrange their photos in a way to make themselves more confident. Magazines have tortured us for years and social media has exacerbated it to epic proportions. You might be sitting there thinking I’ve gone bonkers. And maybe I have. But the persona I put of myself on my social media channels has been meticulously curated, photo-wise.

When I finally took a moment after I sent that snap, I realised this need to always look perfect is ridiculous. I will never be perfect. And not everyone will like me. So I need to somehow take a selfie that has no filters on it and gasp, dare I even say, no make-up. Even when my friends take a photo of me (which is rare) I end up begging them not to post it. I’m starting to think this is some sort of disease. Surely, I’m not the only one.

Either way, this need of creating the perfect illusion is turning out to be my own personal monster. It goes everywhere with me. I started to think that it has gotten worse now that I gained more weight. And maybe it has. But I have always had this need to fix and prettify my photos since I got my very first Sony digital compact camera. Yet, somehow now, with how society is and how women portray themselves, it’s gotten worse. I see it and this, my dear fluffy pandas, is a hard game to play. It is a lonely game where the battles are lost more than they are won. And still, I pursue the path that society has placed upon me. That Beauty has placed upon me. The pursuit of everlasting beauty and the riches that come with it.

❤ ❤ ❤

By the way, I have yet to see any rewards in doing what I do. Yes, the photos that I take, boost up my confidence. But when I truly take time out and think about all of this, it has done more damage than good. The only solution? Is to start looking at myself in the mirror, face on, no make-up and learn to love me for who I am. Because as you know, real beauty is more than skin deep.

Panda out… x