When a Loaded Word (c**t) is Flung in Your Direction…

Today started off as any other day. I sent out my CV to potential job opportunities (I was made redundant), had lunch and then decided to do my daily walk around town.  It would always end at my local Waitrose (grocery store chain in the UK) where I would pick up a few necessities and then make my way to Costa Coffee where I would splurge and get my decaf peach iced tea. Yes, that is what I call splurging at the moment. This has been my routine, my world, for the last 2 months. A simple one. But today was not like any other day, today was the day I was called an uneducated C**t in an upscale grocery store.

I personally hate the ‘C’ word. Which is why I can’t even bring myself to write it down in this post. Yes, I have written swear words unapologetically before. But this one is something I can’t do. And the word carries a more loaded, heavier, vulgar connotation when it’s being easily flung by a man’s lips towards your direction. It becomes even weightier when you search into his eyes and know that if you were alone with him and not in a crowded store with witnesses, the scene would have ended in a very different way.

It all started as I was waiting in line to pay for my things. There was a man who was two people behind me talking. At first I thought he was talking to someone but then I realised that he was complaining about waiting in line. He started swearing and saying the staff were incompetent and other abusive nonsense. The woman behind me, who was much older than I, was getting agitated and a little fearful. As we waited he kept on saying these things under his breath but loud enough for his neighbouring line members to understand everything. The woman that was behind me left the line. And I simply had enough. So I turned to him and said ” We are all waiting and I know it sucks to wait but relax it will go by quick.” That was all I said. He paused turned to look at me and went in. “Mind your own fucking business, who the fuck are you. Mind your own fucking business.” I was not shocked at his response because I realised he was a man that was always itching for a fight no matter who it was with. I’m pretty sure that even a 90 year old defenceless woman would have felt his wrath had she dared to utter two words to him. So I turned around, without saying another word and went to the cashier to pay. Unfortunately now his rage was not directed at the staff but towards me.

As I was trying to pay he approached the cashier line and to my dismay he came to the next cashier closest to me and kept on spewing his venom in my direction. I finally said loudly ” Is this what you do? You start fights and verbally attack women?” And with that he paid, brushed right past me and said “shut the fuck up you uneducated C**T!!!” as he walked out the store. The hatred that he had for me was palpable. It was as if I had killed his own mother. It pored out of him easily, without remorse or embarrassment.  I didn’t realise it at the time, but I allowed myself to become so flustered that my whole body started shaking uncontrollably. It took all my strength to try and get my Visa card into that thin slot and punch in the correct numbers. I was shaking because I saw red, I saw a man who was allowed to walk the streets and spew hatred everywhere he went and all I could think about was beating the shit out of that poor excuse of a human being. Obviously I would have lost because he was a built brainless gorilla, but I would have given it my all nonetheless.

For some reason it got to me. This exchange shook me and I think it was because an aggressively large man that was obviously holding onto a lot of repressed anger killed me with two words. I allowed those words to have meaning. I gave them power. But I later realised that I was most upset because my old self would have stood there in defiance. Would have taken it and not flinched and cried afterwards  as she walked by herself towards home. I would have brushed it off and carried on without a care in the world. My old self would have held her ground in that grocery store. And that’s when I realised that somewhere along the way, I had lost myself. With all my health problems, and stress about money and finding a job and not having true support from friends or family it had all chipped away at me. All to the point of not being able to stand there and defend myself like I once knew how to do.

Granted if we were to replace the aggressive man with an aggressive woman then I’m pretty sure those words wouldn’t have stung so deep. Unfortunately it wasn’t. And unfortunately this man, didn’t know my backstory when we met on the battlefield. He didn’t know that I was suffering and trying to overcome my own demons. He didn’t know that I was a shell of the woman I once was. But even if he did I’m pretty sure he would have acted in the same manner. Because some people don’t care how they affect others. Some people just like to feel powerful and words can belittle a person’s soul even more so than a physical wound ever could. Words, if heard often enough can wither you down to the point of losing all self-worth. It’s funny because as I look back on my life, it has always been the words that I have remembered the most and not the physical altercations. And if you hear enough of them in your lifetime it becomes a constant battle to always remember that you are a human being who deserves love just like everyone else.

I don’t know the story behind the man with the vinegar tongue but I’m pretty sure it’s a sad one. I’m pretty sure his upbringing wasn’t the best. Equally, I’m almost certain that he had a male figure in his life that has passed on these vulgar tones of hatred in his soul; probably coupled with a mother who didn’t show him enough love as a child. I’ve seen people come from similar backgrounds who vow never to be like their predecessors. But alas, I don’t know his story so I won’t sit and ponder the what if’s of his youth. But somewhere along his lifeline, this man fell between the cracks and anger has been the fuel to aid his fire. All I feel, in this moment, is pity for him. That is the only thing I will allow myself to give to that man.

As for me, I will brush this off. I have brushed this off. But I’m sharing this because I wanted to express my sorrow for those who use words as a venomous weapon. Please choose your words wiser next time. Try and envision where your opponents shoe’s have been. Don’t be so quick to jump the gun and plough someone down without a care in the world. What we all need to do is start using words that hold the receiver’s best interests at heart. We need to be uplifting people. We need to educate children better in order for them to grow up and be caring individuals. And above all, we must be kind to one another at all times. We are not here on this planet for very long, wouldn’t you want your legacy to be that of a kind, giving and caring human being?

❤ ❤ ❤

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Why Mom Was Right About Not Writing Things Down…


My mom wasn’t the most open about many a things when I was growing up. Most things were learnt from friends and my grandma (maternal side who I called Baba). Baba would teach me invaluable things like ‘Washing dishes makes your hands and nails beautiful’ and ‘Don’t sit with your legs up and spread apart while wearing a skirt so everyone can see your underwear’. Of course I can’t forget the one about ‘I must learn to cook because how else will I become a good housewife’. Afterall the key to a man’s heart is through his stomach right? Well, I later found out that washing dishes by hand ruins your nails, and if I wore shorts under my skirt I avoided people seeing my underwear, and I learnt to cook for myself and not because I was going to get married. Anyway, besides all that, being an only child didn’t help my situation either. So growing up wasn’t an easy task to conquer. With my mom’s limited hands-on, in depth talks and my friends telling me wrong things I was a hopeless case. However with that being said my momma did instill one tidbit of information that has stuck with me throughout my  life…And that is to never write anything down that you don’t want others to see. Because if it happened to fall into the wrong hands, it would ruin you.

At the time my momma instilled these words of wisdom to me, I was in the 7th grade and still living in New York. One day I came home from school and my Ma was waiting for me in the living room. I always knew when she was in crouching tiger mode ready to pounce into a lecture with how she said my full name…. “Alexandra….” Which was also said in a stern tone. Oh lord, here we go. “What Ma?!” I was an annoying, impatient kid to her. Now that I’m older I do appreciate the patience she must have had. “I found this note in your room” (she went snooping). “Maaaaaa, why are you going through my STUFF!!!!” Her face showed that she wasn’t having my attitude that day. “I wasn’t snooping, I found it on the floor.” She unfolded the wrinkled note. “I’m going to tell you something Alexandra and do with it what you may. What if this note fell into the wrong hands?” I just looked at her. Inside my brain was working out the damage that it would have actually caused had it really fallen into the wrong hands. And the outcome? Was not a favourable one. “Alexandra, what if your friend kept this and decided after to share it with people?” She starred into my face to see if she was getting through. “What I’m trying to say is, never write anything down that could compromise you as a person. You never want people to not respect you  or to take your words and use them against you.” This made sense to me. I mean it really made sense. But all I said was “Gaaaaaaaaawwwdddd, maaaaaaaaaa, FINE!” And I stormed out the room.

Ever since that day, I never wrote anything that could put me in jeopardy. Nowadays I internally become so thankful that I did not follow those unfortunate folks who had not gotten this piece of advice. The one’s who’s naked photos fall into the hands of jealous ex’s. The one’s that decide to become amateur porn stars and then their significant other leaks the video. The one’s that write mean text messages about others only to have the receiver take a screen shot and post it around. I’m glad I’m not in this group. And I might have been, had my momma never actually said anything.

Now, I’m not trying to preach or act like I’ve never done anything that could compromise me as a person, because I have!  I’ll have you know that I have done a couple of sex videos and taken photos in my underwear. But my boyfriends at the time, were never allowed to keep the videos. I was the only one who had access to them. And as a double precaution, they were kept in password protected files on my computer, or locked away in a drawer. The photos that I would send were never of my face or things that could identify me, like my tattoos for example. They were snippets of skin,lace, straps. I would also never send a full body image of myself. When it came to notes or texts, I wouldn’t write anything important in them. In actuality, the only time to be vigilant about writing everything down is when it comes to business.  That’s when you make sure you get agreements down on paper. A good old hand shaking while verbally agreeing to something does not make for a good idea.

Anyway, the reason I decided to actually listen to my momma was because I found out that people can be mean, vindictive and down right nasty, even in the 7th grade and even despite how nice you were to them. So if they don’t have anything on you, you’re smooth sailing from here on out.

Despite my Ma not being the best at communicating when it came to boys, sex, girl things (like periods) and other vital pieces of information, she was at least forthcoming on one thing. So kudos to you momma for sharing that with me. I have appreciated it every since!

💜💜💜

I’d Rather be Too Much…

 

What’s being ‘too much’ of something and why is it a hindrance to most people? Is caring too much a problem? To some, yes. Is laughing too much an annoyance? Again to some, yes. And why do people cut you down with the phrase ‘You’re just too much’?

If I had to choose between being too much and too little, I’d rather be too much of something. I’d rather live too much of life. Or smile too much because I’m happy. Or laugh too much because silliness is intoxicating. Or care too much in order to be a selfless human being. Why would anyone want to be ‘too little’ of something? Who in their right mind would want to laugh, smile, care, talk less?

Some may come at you with the phrase, ‘can you [insert whatever ] less’. And do you know what your response should be?  ‘Go fuck yourself’! Yes! And then go be ‘too much’ with others who get it. Because with the right people, you won’t be too much. You will always be just right. Just enough, or more than enough.

Complexity in a human being is intriguing.  I want there to be layers so deep that it will take me decades to burrow to the core. Being complex is to be more. To be too much. And I want the humans around me to be able to offer more. Finding out how they  fear, hope, dream, love, think and so on is to be MORE!

So don’t let anyone tell you, you’re too much of something. Because in truth, the more you are the better. After all, it’s intrigue that fans the flames of wanting to dig deeper in another human being’s soul. And what could be more interesting then challenging yourself to get to know the ‘too much’s’ of someone? Nothing that’s what.

Keep building upon yourself. Keep sharing. Someone will take the time to appreciate you just the way you are. You are a universe of intricately woven mystique. You my dear panda will never be ‘too much’ of anything.

❤ ❤ ❤

Monday Motivation… Being Comfortable.

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Happy Monday my fluffy pandas! Here we are… another start, to another week. Blah! But like my previous Monday posts I shall not leave you feeling miserable. Oh no! I am here to say we are in this together! We are gonna motivate the shit out of each other whether you like it or not! Therefore this week’s essential motivational quote is about being comfortable. And of course to surround yourself with beautiful souls who bring out your comfortability to the max.

Being comfortable is so important. I can’t stress this enough! Being comfortable is sooooooo important! I said it twice in the hopes of stirring your memory cells a little. You not only want to be comfortable in your own skin but you want your true, beautiful, unique personality to shine through. And in order to do this, you need two things.

  1. Is to be confident enough in yourself to not give two fucks what others think of you.
  2. Is to pick the people around you wisely so they can embrace you in all your wonderful glory.

That’s it! Always be you even if it won’t let you access the cool crowd’s VIP section. What you might not have realised is that your uniqueness helps you weed out the dandelions from the peonies. So embrace it! Anyone who does not let you be you needs to exit immediately! It’s as simple as that.

So my pudgy wudgy pandas, this week you will embrace your wacky, unique, beautiful characters and surround yourself with individuals who welcome it with open arms.

❤ ❤ ❤

Just Own Your Bad Decisions and Move On…

Bad Decisions, Friday, Best Stories

Happy Friday Pandas!

Can you believe it’s only two more weeks to Christmas?! I mean where has this year gone? Mentally I have started shutting down knowing that I have exactly 13 days until I go back home to see my parents in Cyprus. Whoop whoop! Anyways, enough with the pleasantries. This post is not about me going back home, but about bad decisions.

Since it’s officially Friday I started thinking about all the ridiculous shenanigans that I’ve gotten myself into throughout the years. I mean there have been some major doozies. Some of which my friends don’t even know. Well, what can I say? Sometimes I let go, and when I do, I go with the flow and do stupid things. The day after I cringe, shaking my head violently as if hoping to extract the awful memories from my brain. And when I eventually tell a friend they are either shocked or a little disgusted. To be honest, you can read it on their faces quite easily. So I haven’t really divulged all my secrets. What’s the point really. I don’t want to feel less human just because what I do may be a little crazier than most. Lately, however, I have been a lonely hermit which has to do with lack of money and the fact that I, at the moment, am stuck in a rut. Well, that and the fact that I am enjoying my loneliness at the moment. So tonight, despite it being a Friday, it will be a mellow one for me. However, if you guys decide to go out then I just wanted to say…. have a great time. Go out and do something different. Go on an adventure. Say yes to something that you normally wouldn’t. Don’t be the same old boring you. Let go for one evening even if the results turn out to be really bad decisions. Yes, throughout your life you will make some pretty stupid, very bad decisions. But don’t cringe like I used to do. The only reason that happens is because of what society and your friends deem acceptable. You are not a perfect human being. Your friends are not perfect human beings. In fact, none of us are! So don’t let anyone make you feel worse about your actions. Life is for living, isn’t it? Well take your bad decisions, own them and move on. That’s it.

Through the years I have been shamed by my actions, which resulted in me apologising for things that did not need an apology. It’s resulted in me backing away from people. It’s resulted in embarrassment. Well, I say, enough is enough. We will all do some questionable things throughout our lives. Just go with it and don’t regret anything. Because who wants to be stuck in the same boring routine where you’re trying so hard to be perfect all the time. That’s not a carefree life. So make your mistakes, dust yourself off, learn from them and move on.

With that being said my fluffy pandas, have a magical weekend that’s hopefully filled with laughter, adventure and NO regrets! As for me… I will be loving life like this tonight…

Friday Night quote staying in

❤ ❤ ❤

Monday Motivation: Do What You Love

Do what you love quote

Hello my beautiful pandas. I hope it’s a somewhat decent Monday for you today. This morning must have been a pretty tough one, knowing most of us are still reeling from everything that’s happening around the world. So today I didn’t want to yap on about things. I simply wanted to do a tiny Motivational post.

Motivational Monday is a thing now. It’s a trending topic on Twitter every Monday. I suppose it arose to help the masses cope with the dread of another week of mundanity. I have of course jumped on the bandwagon as well. How could I not? I needed something to get me over those Monday morning blues.

This week I would like to focus your attention on the act of doing what you love. That’s it. To do what you love. At the end of the day, life, is too short. Sometimes, shorter than what it should be. We let things slip by us. Slithering through our fingers without ever being able to grasp hold of what we want most in this world. We work, eat, go home, eat, sleep and the cycle repeats itself consecutively for 5 days. Some of you even work more than one job. Props to you guys for doing what you have to do. But please don’t forget to do what you love to do. I know it’s hard to find the time. But if you take a few minutes here and there you will be able to come closer to your dreams. It’s the saddest thought really, to know that you are living a stationary kind of life. One that has no fulfillments, nor true happiness. We kind of bob along don’t we? I’m for sure guilty of this. I list all the things I want to do and I never accomplish them. Well, let’s try and break this!

Pandas, this week, do something that you love. That you’re passionate about. That you desire. Whether it’s something tiny or something ginormous, just go out there and do it!

❤ ❤ ❤

The Best Version of You

Be The best you can be

What does it mean to be the best version of yourself? Does it take effort? Will it take much time? The answer to these questions is, undefinable. There can’t be one answer to rule them all, so to speak. Therefore if you think that it will only require a little discipline then that’s how long it will take. The answers are geared towards you as an individual. We all have a certain image in our brains as in how we would like to act. Sometimes our version might be a little skewed to the norms of reality. After all we are all different. Therefore we won’t think the same when it comes to what the ideal traits one should have. But I think the most important point is that at least you are willing to put forth your idea of the best version of you. That you are doing something. And that says enough right there. If you are contented to put your best foot forward then it shows that you want to be a responsive participate as a human being. You are eager to help, love, put others first and sacrifice to make life worth living. Even the tiniest of changes makes a difference in how others perceive you. So don’t think that you have to alter your whole DNA foundation. No! All it means is to be the best person that your abilities will allow. Don’t worry about others. Don’t stress that your not meeting the quota. Just do you! Do what makes you feel comfortable. But do something! Imagine if we all came into this world with the intention of trying to be our better selves. Oh what a world it would be.

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