Before we go celebrating that I finally wrote another post, I would just like to say I’m sorry for taking the longest hiatus known to man. As you know, life gets in the way and while I would love to tell you all about it, that will be saved for another time. Now…
London, is a city that has over 8 million people bustling around, day in and day out. All rushing to get somewhere, some showing signs of life behind their eyes, while most trot along with a stoic expression plastered on their face. At times you do feel like an invisible entity floating around an obstacle course designed to break you down. We work, eat, sleep and try to make plans with people months in advance. I’m convinced, people started doing that simply because they had something to look forward to. You know, to get them through the daily grind. But somewhere between becoming too attached to our phones and disconnecting from society we stopped looking at people. Like, really seeing them. We stopped interacting. And even though this city has millions of people gliding past you, it has become even more apparent of how lonely a place it has truly become. Especially when you’re trying to date.
Therefore, with that being said, it would seem, that I have officially succumbed to the world of dating apps yet again. I went on a very long hiatus because I just hate them with a passion. And the more I use them, the more I detest myself for it. But alas, trying to strike up a conversation with a man in public has been somewhat fruitless. Yes, there have been some flings here and there, but nothing to write home about. So, here I am, swiping left more times than I’m swiping right, in the hopes that one of these jokers will be an interesting human being, who’s kind, wants to have meaningful discussions and who can hopefully make me laugh. The search continues by the way.
But here’s the thing… I’m not sure I’m cut out for this kind of life. The modern romance of dating apps kind of life I mean. I know I should move with the times and become a modern girl, but damn it, I miss someone walking up to me and starting up a conversation. Yes kids, people used to do that. Face-to face… gasp! I miss it terribly. You get to see how they smile, how they deal with certain questions, what their little quirks are. And most importantly, you see their reactions instantaneously. As opposed to having to wait for a well thought out reply. All I get now are pictures of men not really knowing how to take pictures, and if I’m lucky, one sentence in their bio. On top of that… none of these guys say hi first after you find out that you’ve been matched. So, I now have to think up punchy one-liners for an opening statement in the sheer hopes that one of these boys will reply. I’m currently talking to a few but so far none have asked if I want to meet in person. And, I’ll have you know, I’m pretty good at first dates damn it. That’s how I work it. Disclaimer… I’m not full of myself and I don’t think I’m pretty but, I do think that I’m inviting and can make people feel at ease. However, with these dating apps, it’s all through texting. Do you know how hard it is to show your kind of humour/personality through texting? I have to insert LOL’s and an abundance of emojis in the hopes that they will get it. It’s exhausting. But you know what get’s me the most? The not replying for hours. It officially drives me nuts. All men do this. I once had a guy reply back to me after a day and a half. One whole day…and a half. Are you telling me that you haven’t touched your phone in all that time? No, of course not. What is with the not replying guys? Can someone please tell me! Is it to be mysterious? To not be too available? To show that you have a life and that you’ll text when you’re good and ready? Guys, come on. I’m not asking for marriage. I’m asking for you to take 2 seconds out of your day and reply. That’s it. It’s that simple. (wooossaahhh)
The thing is, I’m a closeted romantic. I don’t publicise it by any means. In fact, to guys, I am an easy-going funny girl who rolls with the punches, doesn’t ask for much, and says she’s not looking for anything serious. I say that last bit because, from experience, guys have proven me right on all occasions. So I guess you could say I’ve given up even attempting relationships now. But secretly, I want the romance. I want to be wooed. I want a man to chase me. And lately, I am finding myself chasing them. I’m getting in contact first. I’m replying as soon as I can (when I see it of course) to their messages. I’m making myself available. All because these stupid dating apps have designed a world where there is an abundance of choice and you feel like if you don’t do or say the right thing they will not stick around to actually get to know the real you. I’m tired guys. Truly. And my confidence is wavering. I think, if I look at this realistically, I don’t know if I will find what I’m looking for. Nor do I think there is a man out there willing to take the leap with me or put in the time. Which saddens me. A part of me believes I deserve to be happy with someone. But the other part (the majority), thinks that I have missed the boat. That I don’t have the necessary tools to be aloof enough to deal with cold-shoulders and one’s lack of interest. That I can’t compete with all these other women out there willing to throw themselves at men. I’m not easy, I know my worth (which has taken time), and I will not settle for something mediocre. And because of that, I feel like I’m being put in a line-up. Or more like, I’m always the last one being picked for dodgeball.
I don’t know where it all went tits up but I do remember when a man was interested, they’d let you know. You were never questioning their interest because they made the effort to call you, to arrange to meet up and to get in touch simply because they were thinking about you. Now… I never know where I stand and question everything. And the lack of effort being made is kind of laughable at this point. Therefore trying to stand out amongst all this competition is a hard task to accomplish. And equally, having a man actually stick around and make an effort, is something that is virtually impossible. I think, maybe, I’m just too old fashioned for my own good. And that, just might be my downfall.
In conclusion, I haven’t been on these dating apps for that long and already I’m wanting to rip out my hair. I’m even coming to terms with the fact that I will most likely be that weird “auntie” that talks to plants and has 30 cats. It’s cool, I’ve, for the most part, accepted it. Anyway, if I’m being brutally honest, dating is hard in general, but dating or more like trying to meet people through these apps, is even harder. And, I’m not sure my soul can take much more of this. I guess when all is said and done, do I lie down and call it a day, or do I persevere in the hopes that somewhere hidden amongst the weeds is a keeper? I’m leaning towards lying down…