Not Equipped for Modern Romance…

Before we go celebrating that I finally wrote another post, I would just like to say I’m sorry for taking the longest hiatus known to man. As you know, life gets in the way and while I would love to tell you all about it, that will be saved for another time. Now…

London, is a city that has over 8 million people bustling around, day in and day out. All rushing to get somewhere, some showing signs of life behind their eyes, while most trot along with a stoic expression plastered on their face. At times you do feel like an invisible entity floating around an obstacle course designed to break you down. We work, eat, sleep and try to make plans with people months in advance. I’m convinced, people started doing that simply because they had something to look forward to. You know, to get them through the daily grind. But somewhere between becoming too attached to our phones and disconnecting from society we stopped looking at people. Like, really seeing them. We stopped interacting. And even though this city has millions of people gliding past you, it has become even more apparent of how lonely a place it has truly become. Especially when you’re trying to date.

Therefore, with that being said, it would seem, that I have officially succumbed to the world of dating apps yet again. I went on a very long hiatus because I just hate them with a passion. And the more I use them, the more I detest myself for it. But alas, trying to strike up a conversation with a man in public has been somewhat fruitless. Yes, there have been some flings here and there, but nothing to write home about. So, here I am, swiping left more times than I’m swiping right, in the hopes that one of these jokers will be an interesting human being, who’s kind, wants to have meaningful discussions and who can hopefully make me laugh. The search continues by the way.

But here’s the thing… I’m not sure I’m cut out for this kind of life. The modern romance of dating apps kind of life I mean. I know I should move with the times and become a modern girl, but damn it, I miss someone walking up to me and starting up a conversation. Yes kids, people used to do that. Face-to face… gasp! I miss it terribly. You get to see how they smile, how they deal with certain questions, what their little quirks are. And most importantly, you see their reactions instantaneously. As opposed to having to wait for a well thought out reply. All I get now are pictures of men not really knowing how to take pictures, and if I’m lucky, one sentence in their bio. On top of that… none of these guys say hi first after you find out that you’ve been matched. So, I now have to think up punchy one-liners for an opening statement in the sheer hopes that one of these boys will reply. I’m currently talking to a few but so far none have asked if I want to meet in person. And, I’ll have you know, I’m pretty good at first dates damn it. That’s how I work it. Disclaimer… I’m not full of myself and I don’t think I’m pretty but, I do think that I’m inviting and can make people feel at ease. However, with these dating apps, it’s all through texting. Do you know how hard it is to show your kind of humour/personality through texting? I have to insert LOL’s and an abundance of emojis in the hopes that they will get it. It’s exhausting. But you know what get’s me the most? The not replying for hours. It officially drives me nuts. All men do this. I once had a guy reply back to me after a day and a half. One whole day…and a half. Are you telling me that you haven’t touched your phone in all that time? No, of course not. What is with the not replying guys? Can someone please tell me! Is it to be mysterious? To not be too available? To show that you have a life and that you’ll text when you’re good and ready? Guys, come on. I’m not asking for marriage. I’m asking for you to take 2 seconds out of your day and reply. That’s it. It’s that simple. (wooossaahhh)

The thing is, I’m a closeted romantic. I don’t publicise it by any means. In fact, to guys, I am an easy-going funny girl who rolls with the punches, doesn’t ask for much, and says she’s not looking for anything serious. I say that last bit because, from experience, guys have proven me right on all occasions. So I guess you could say I’ve given up even attempting relationships now. But secretly, I want the romance. I want to be wooed. I want a man to chase me. And lately, I am finding myself chasing them. I’m getting in contact first. I’m replying as soon as I can (when I see it of course) to their messages. I’m making myself available. All because these stupid dating apps have designed a world where there is an abundance of choice and you feel like if you don’t do or say the right thing they will not stick around to actually get to know the real you. I’m tired guys. Truly. And my confidence is wavering. I think, if I look at this realistically, I don’t know if I will find what I’m looking for. Nor do I think there is a man out there willing to take the leap with me or put in the time. Which saddens me. A part of me believes I deserve to be happy with someone. But the other part (the majority), thinks that I have missed the boat. That I don’t have the necessary tools to be aloof enough to deal with cold-shoulders and one’s lack of interest. That I can’t compete with all these other women out there willing to throw themselves at men. I’m not easy, I know my worth (which has taken time), and I will not settle for something mediocre. And because of that, I feel like I’m being put in a line-up. Or more like, I’m always the last one being picked for dodgeball.

I don’t know where it all went tits up but I do remember when a man was interested, they’d let you know. You were never questioning their interest because they made the effort to call you, to arrange to meet up and to get in touch simply because they were thinking about you. Now… I never know where I stand and question everything. And the lack of effort being made is kind of laughable at this point. Therefore trying to stand out amongst all this competition is a hard task to accomplish. And equally, having a man actually stick around and make an effort, is something that is virtually impossible. I think, maybe, I’m just too old fashioned for my own good. And that, just might be my downfall.

In conclusion, I haven’t been on these dating apps for that long and already I’m wanting to rip out my hair. I’m even coming to terms with the fact that I will most likely be that weird “auntie” that talks to plants and has 30 cats. It’s cool, I’ve, for the most part, accepted it. Anyway, if I’m being brutally honest, dating is hard in general, but dating or more like trying to meet people through these apps, is even harder. And, I’m not sure my soul can take much more of this. I guess when all is said and done, do I lie down and call it a day, or do I persevere in the hopes that somewhere hidden amongst the weeds is a keeper? I’m leaning towards lying down…

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The Gaze That Stops Time

 

There comes a moment in every man’s life where he gazes into his partner’s eyes with a longing so deep that it touches the receiver’s soul. You could even say it’s a gaze that is more than life itself, aided by the twinkling of stars that has somehow been born from the universe. You are looking at a deep galaxy of lights, where each illumination is a memory that the bearer holds dear. And suddenly, just like the quickness of the snapping of fingers, a stillness of time manifests into infinity. It is just the two of you who matter, as the noises around you mute. You both seem to be in the know, while the rest of the world ceases to exist. That gaze, the one that makes you almost feel like you know the meaning of life, morphs into something that logically you can’t comprehend, and yet emotionally understand without question. Once this realisation hits, you become very aware that your breath becomes caught up in the thickness of the air around you, making it hard to digest the intensity . It’s a rarity… but if you are lucky enough to experience it, it is likely one that you will never forget.

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Love Seemed Much Simpler in My Parents and Grandparents Generation

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Does anyone else feel like things are moving too fast nowadays when it comes to dating, love and relationships in general? Or am I the only one woman island in the middle of nowhere? As I look at my parents and grandparents’ relationships I have come to the conclusion that things have become a little warped. It definitely doesn’t seem so rosy anymore and somewhere along the way there seems to have been more rules put in place to make things even more difficult.

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It’s Okay, You Don’t Have To Settle…

 

Now that it’s officially summer, I’ve been seeing a lot of couples snuggling and holding sweaty hands together. Definitely more than usual. Maybe they chose the couple’s path because they wanted a partner to do fun summer things with. Or maybe they’re just tired of going to gatherings as that ‘single’ person, so they found another single person to be their indefinite plus one. Or perhaps it’s just that love is in the air and I haven’t gotten the memo.

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The Phrase ‘Right Place, Right Time’ Has eluded Me For All My Life…

In the Right time and the right place

It’s a silly old thing, time. Isn’t it? There’s this power that it possesses for some reason. If you spend it poorly, it runs like water through a drain. If you spend it wisely, it might run like the summer months close to the north pole. Where the sunlight laces the days together and time seems to have created a wormhole of infinite length. But those scenarios can be reversed as well. Where it can speed up while having a wondrous time and then slow to a halt while you’re doing a task that you aren’t fond of. Time can be bent, skewed, thrown, stopped, pushed, delayed; manipulating it until you’ve achieved your goals. But what about the unfortunate few who have not had luck with time? Who have parted ways with missed chances or unseized opportunities because Lady Luck chose for them another fate; to not be in the ‘Right Place, Right Time’ section of life. As if you were in a constant state of ‘almosts’, but never getting any farther than that.  And it’s not like you can force it. That’s the elusiveness of it. I have felt like that about relationships. Where the circumstances have not been spot on. Or the feelings, affections, have not been right. They have been an almost, but not quite. There hasn’t been that meshing of souls. The clicking of thoughts. There seems to have always been a catch. A bent cog in an antiquated time piece. A hiccup of everlasting sharpness. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I have not been given the opportunity to relish in that happy moment of everything clicking all at once. The merging of synchronicity. So perfect in timing that we hear the atom pop.

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Where Has The “Delicious Tango of Minds and Universes” Gone?

couple looking longingly at each other

My fluffy Pandas! Hope you’re all doing well.

Sunday night I was looking at my Facebook Newsfeed, partly because I was bored and mostly because I had just finished from a long weekend of firsts for me (which I will explain in another post) so I really didn’t know what to do with myself. As I was scrolling, I stumbled upon one of Juliette Lewis’ posts. Firstly can I just say that I have loved her since the 80’s and secondly I once bumped into her right off of Charing Cross Road in London. I was with my friend at the time and we were just faffing around, not really knowing what to do for the remainder of our time together. When lo and behold this petite woman walked past us. I was like “DUDE!! that’s Juliette Lewis! I love her!” We then proceeded to follow her, desperately trying not to look like one of those questionable stalkers. She was on the phone and when she saw us hovering around and staring at her like a bunch of morons she hung up and we asked for her autograph. We only had one piece of paper amongst me and my friend, so after we apologised profusely for bothering her, she signed the lonely sheet. Anyway long story short she was super nice in person which made me like her even more than what I already did.

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When You Realise That Your Emotions Haven’t Completely Shrivelled up and died….

Love, Feelings, Emotions,

Pandas, I am officially back. Well, to be honest I came back late last Thursday night but I was not mentally prepared to start my brain until today. Yes, it took me a week. I have been a walking blob ever since I arrived in London. For those of you who don’t know where I went, it was to Cyprus, which is in the Mediterranean. My parents and other family members (from my dad’s side) live there. This was the first time in years that I decided to spend Christmas over there. To be completely honest, I have not been a fan of that country for a while now. And that was mainly because it held a very important reminder for me every time I stepped my pudgy foot back on its soil. A painful reminder of unrequited love. Or more to the point, a fake love that left me barren of any kind of emotions whatsoever. He stole them from me. Like a thief of an elaborate and unexplainable heist. Broken and tarnished, I left my country. I left because my greatest drive was to move back to London. If I didn’t have that ambition then I know I definitely would not have been here right now talking to you guys.

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