The David Attenborough’s Approach To Mating Rituals


David Attenborough has got to be one of England’s national treasures by now. I know he’s a Sir but I feel like there should be a shrine or something in honour of such a prolific human being. Is that too much? I don’t care, it should happen! Over the past 60 years he’s brought countless amounts of documentaries to millions about the planet, animals, insects, birds, sea life, the list goes on and on. Just to add, his voice could lull me into a calming, almost comatose state, where relaxation flows over me like a snugly warm blanket. This man and his documentaries are literally the .

Throughout the many that I have watched, there’s one prevalent theme that keeps sticking in my mind. Which is that of the male species trying to woo a female. Their rituals are fascinating in the fact that it’s the males with their bright colours, graceful dancing and distinct callings through song, that break their backs trying to woo the right to mount their potential female suitors.

You see where I might be going with all this now? No? People! I’m calling a big mayday with sirens blasting right now because our human mating rituals gots a whole lotta explaining to do! In fact I will go so far as to say that they suck balls. Now, If you have been reading my posts then you know that sucking balls is not my ideal past time. In fact it’s on my list of cruel tortures along with toe sucking (Yuck).

The art of wooing a lady has disintegrate into a big old black hole, sucked up by the modern world. There was a time (I have been informed, seeing as I’ve never experienced these mating rituals for myself) where the men of the world would go on a courting rampage never ceasing until the woman has been won. Writing love letters, flowers, holding doors, and professing their undying, unyielding love for the woman that has caught their heart; just some of the things that they would do. Where the hell has all that gone? Unlike our little creature friends, it is the females who have to fluff up their feathers so to speak, paint colourful armour on themselves and go through hoops to attract their potential male suitor.

Before I start yapping why don’t you take a look below. Apologies from now because I chose to use the Peacock Spider as an example. So if you’re squeamish then…tough shit. It’s not horrific, so get over it. He’s doing a dance for Christ sake!

The male spider is below left with all the beautiful bright colours on his back which happens to flip up when trying to woo a lady. Hence, why it’s called a Peacock. I suppose I could have just used a normal Peacock, of the bird variation, but why be obvious. The females on the other hand are coloured with boring shades of brown.

And here is the actual dance of this little guy trying to woo his potential female mate.

After seeing this elegant, ninja like dance that this little guy performs, you can start to see just how much effort he goes through to try and woo the ladies.

Here’s the thing fellow females and I’m just throwing this out there as some food for thought. Why couldn’t our society be like our fellow creatures on earth. I would love to see men be the ones to dress up colourfully, to do a dance so to speak, to change their whole appearance to catch our eyes. It should be them fighting for the right to have us. Almost like ‘The Hunger Games of Love’. They should really work for it. But alas, in these modern times so comes the modern woman. And some of these modern ladies have lost all sense of decency when it comes to bagging a man.

I know there are some guys out there that will try and do some sort of courting to woo you over. But y’all get mesmerised by the first nice thing that a man does. After spending hours in the gym and spending most of your hard earned money on facials, hair extensions, mani-pedi’s, self tanners, make-up, perfumes, high heels and so on. Why do we all give in at the first signs of a flower being handed to us? Or the opening of a door? Or the pulling out of a chair? Shouldn’t this still be the standards? I don’t think I am asking for too much. And I don’t think that a woman should give in on the first date or give into everything thereafter. Women, you put in an amazing amount of effort to look good everyday. Sure it might be a façade but damn it, it is a well earned façade! So, if you treat yourself like the goddess that you are, then shouldn’t your potential suitor also treat you that way? He should be wooing you every fucking day!

By the way, I’m saying this after years of fuck ups on my part in this department. I was with someone who gave me breadcrumbs of affection from time to time. As in, it would be months of bullshit and lies and then he would do a gesture of love (a breadcrumb). Then it would be back to all the bullshit and lies. Yet I stayed around. Why? Because of all those stupid little breadcrumbs. I thought that if I stayed the breadcrumbs would eventually grow into a slice of bread. After all the mind games, torturous emotional roller coasters and mental bruises along the way I realised that I wanted an abundance of bread loaves, not measly stale breadcrumbs!

It would be great if we were able to copy and perfect a courting ritual. Ladies seem to sit all stiff at a bar because they are too primped up to even move. Then the men come, buy a drink for the female, say a vomit-worthy one-liner and the dress comes right off. So can we please listen to David Attenborough a bit more. Let’s start taking tips from his documentaries because I’m willing to bet that we as humans need to learn a thing or two about the whole mating thing. Did I mention that we suck balls!? It should be returned whence it came.

Bet you never thought you’d see ‘suck ball’s and a ‘whence it came’ in the same post did you? That’s how I roll people. Giving you some old school, mixed with the new.


Is It Ever ok to Lick and Suck Someone’s Toes off?

There comes a time in your sexually adventurous life when you come face to face with adversary and trepidation. It is when the man/woman you’re with asks you something that might make you stop dead in your tracks and go…”You wanna do what now?”


Or worse, they might do it without telling you and you’re left lying there naked and vulnerable, trying to shoo them away nicely while trying to get back to the normalcies of sex. No one wants a surprise while they are naked. And once they spring it on you, the next 45 minutes are of you thinking about how awkward of a situation it was and why couldn’t I get this out of my head.

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Wearing Granny…Human Remains as Jewellery


Yesterday an article got my full attention to the point of having to stop everything that I was doing. If you aren’t aware of what I’m about to tell you then it might just stop you in your tracks as well. Here it goes…

Apparently there’s a company in Switzerland that takes your loved ones, cremates them at a very high temperature (obviously after they’ve died) squashes them down with heavy pressure and voilà the ashes of your granny
turns into a diamond for you to wear! Can you believe that? Well, I for one could not wrap my brain cells around it.

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My Parents Failed To Advise Me Better…


Growing up can be tough especially if you are an only child. Therefore it is vital that you get the best advice out there. In the time before the phrase ‘google it’ was invented advice fell solely at the mercy of your parents. You had to close your eyes and pray that what they told you was sound enough to get you through the toughest formative years of your life. Unfortunately, in my case, my parents were most definitely not doing their job properly. And I found myself in situations that I was not equipt to handle because my parents failed to advise me better.

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Being like Goldilocks – Finding a penis that’s ‘Just right’…



Where oh where did men get this idea that us women want the length of a football field and the width of the General Sherman? Not quite sure what a General Sherman is? Well, here you go…

The General Sherman

Or even an Adansonia Grandidieri, which looks more like an ugly penis than the General Sherman does….



Either way, my point still stands that men have this notion that we want a tree trunk inside of us. I can’t imagine anything more visually horrifying and physically painful than the idea of shoving a tree trunk up my va-jay-jay. Just the thought makes me cringe. We are looking for a decent size like Goldilock’s mission to find something that was ‘just right’. Men, it is important to understand that it is most definitely not the quantity but the quality that makes us swoon. We want to be wooed, stimulated and be thought of first. We do not want to do all the work while you get satisfied and us to lay there afterwards, watching you sleep while thinking of ways to get you out the door or more like punching you in the junk ” accidentally”.

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Pelfies or Delfies, how about neither…


Pelfies or Delfies


Taking photos has become like second nature to us all. We take so many photos that they have all turned in to one big ball of blurry colours. It’s obviously easier nowadays due to this phenomenon of what they call the smartphone. I sometimes want to smash mine, which for me, is like an annoying family member you can’t get rid of. A few words come to mind in association with my phone. Glued, attached, fastened, just to name a few. One time I forgot ‘my precious’ at home and not only was I paranoid, nervous, incomplete, but I also got an overwhelming sense of uncertainty that, even though I am a human being who can think on my own without the aid of any electronic devices, has now suddenly been rendered useless. A defective blubbering moron; all because in my head I thought I lost contact with the outside world and most importantly that I missed out on important calls and texts. Here’s the thing. Hardly no one ever calls me because I’m not so important. It would seem I’m only a queen within my own mind and nowhere else. Yet here I was, phoneless and lifeless, the world as I knew it was caving in all around me. Now, do you know how many people got in contact with me for the whole 11 hours I was away from my phone? One! Yes, one person. And do you know who that person was? My mom. Need I say more.

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Even the Socially Inept Have Found Love…



The title is kinder than what I really wanted to say. What I really wanted to say was that even moronic, dimwitted, provincial, vinegary beasts have found love. But obviously that would have been too long.

Maybe that’s a harsh thing to say but let’s be completely honest here. You have at one time or another, thought the very same thing when looking at a couple walking down the street. You might even think, why the hell are they with that person. Or you might see on Facebook that that guy who everyone wanted to punch in the balls has in fact gone and found a girl. And what’s more is that he’s gone and proposed! I know you are thinking WTF?! How the hell did that happen? How did that idiot bag himself someone? Someone who doesn’t seem to be held under duress, no glaze forming over her eyeballs with the use of drugs, no nothing. In fact they are smiling in every photo. Now, how in God’s good graces did he let this inept human being be happy and you are sitting at home on a Friday night drinking a whole bottle of wine to yourself while going over your whole character and eventually coming to the conclusion that the world has officially gone to shit or worse that you must be one ugly fat mother fucker. Now you know how I got down on my Friday night.

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