When a Loaded Word (c**t) is Flung in Your Direction…

Today started off as any other day. I sent out my CV to potential job opportunities (I was made redundant), had lunch and then decided to do my daily walk around town.  It would always end at my local Waitrose (grocery store chain in the UK) where I would pick up a few necessities and then make my way to Costa Coffee where I would splurge and get my decaf peach iced tea. Yes, that is what I call splurging at the moment. This has been my routine, my world, for the last 2 months. A simple one. But today was not like any other day, today was the day I was called an uneducated C**t in an upscale grocery store.

I personally hate the ‘C’ word. Which is why I can’t even bring myself to write it down in this post. Yes, I have written swear words unapologetically before. But this one is something I can’t do. And the word carries a more loaded, heavier, vulgar connotation when it’s being easily flung by a man’s lips towards your direction. It becomes even weightier when you search into his eyes and know that if you were alone with him and not in a crowded store with witnesses, the scene would have ended in a very different way.

It all started as I was waiting in line to pay for my things. There was a man who was two people behind me talking. At first I thought he was talking to someone but then I realised that he was complaining about waiting in line. He started swearing and saying the staff were incompetent and other abusive nonsense. The woman behind me, who was much older than I, was getting agitated and a little fearful. As we waited he kept on saying these things under his breath but loud enough for his neighbouring line members to understand everything. The woman that was behind me left the line. And I simply had enough. So I turned to him and said ” We are all waiting and I know it sucks to wait but relax it will go by quick.” That was all I said. He paused turned to look at me and went in. “Mind your own fucking business, who the fuck are you. Mind your own fucking business.” I was not shocked at his response because I realised he was a man that was always itching for a fight no matter who it was with. I’m pretty sure that even a 90 year old defenceless woman would have felt his wrath had she dared to utter two words to him. So I turned around, without saying another word and went to the cashier to pay. Unfortunately now his rage was not directed at the staff but towards me.

As I was trying to pay he approached the cashier line and to my dismay he came to the next cashier closest to me and kept on spewing his venom in my direction. I finally said loudly ” Is this what you do? You start fights and verbally attack women?” And with that he paid, brushed right past me and said “shut the fuck up you uneducated C**T!!!” as he walked out the store. The hatred that he had for me was palpable. It was as if I had killed his own mother. It pored out of him easily, without remorse or embarrassment.  I didn’t realise it at the time, but I allowed myself to become so flustered that my whole body started shaking uncontrollably. It took all my strength to try and get my Visa card into that thin slot and punch in the correct numbers. I was shaking because I saw red, I saw a man who was allowed to walk the streets and spew hatred everywhere he went and all I could think about was beating the shit out of that poor excuse of a human being. Obviously I would have lost because he was a built brainless gorilla, but I would have given it my all nonetheless.

For some reason it got to me. This exchange shook me and I think it was because an aggressively large man that was obviously holding onto a lot of repressed anger killed me with two words. I allowed those words to have meaning. I gave them power. But I later realised that I was most upset because my old self would have stood there in defiance. Would have taken it and not flinched and cried afterwards  as she walked by herself towards home. I would have brushed it off and carried on without a care in the world. My old self would have held her ground in that grocery store. And that’s when I realised that somewhere along the way, I had lost myself. With all my health problems, and stress about money and finding a job and not having true support from friends or family it had all chipped away at me. All to the point of not being able to stand there and defend myself like I once knew how to do.

Granted if we were to replace the aggressive man with an aggressive woman then I’m pretty sure those words wouldn’t have stung so deep. Unfortunately it wasn’t. And unfortunately this man, didn’t know my backstory when we met on the battlefield. He didn’t know that I was suffering and trying to overcome my own demons. He didn’t know that I was a shell of the woman I once was. But even if he did I’m pretty sure he would have acted in the same manner. Because some people don’t care how they affect others. Some people just like to feel powerful and words can belittle a person’s soul even more so than a physical wound ever could. Words, if heard often enough can wither you down to the point of losing all self-worth. It’s funny because as I look back on my life, it has always been the words that I have remembered the most and not the physical altercations. And if you hear enough of them in your lifetime it becomes a constant battle to always remember that you are a human being who deserves love just like everyone else.

I don’t know the story behind the man with the vinegar tongue but I’m pretty sure it’s a sad one. I’m pretty sure his upbringing wasn’t the best. Equally, I’m almost certain that he had a male figure in his life that has passed on these vulgar tones of hatred in his soul; probably coupled with a mother who didn’t show him enough love as a child. I’ve seen people come from similar backgrounds who vow never to be like their predecessors. But alas, I don’t know his story so I won’t sit and ponder the what if’s of his youth. But somewhere along his lifeline, this man fell between the cracks and anger has been the fuel to aid his fire. All I feel, in this moment, is pity for him. That is the only thing I will allow myself to give to that man.

As for me, I will brush this off. I have brushed this off. But I’m sharing this because I wanted to express my sorrow for those who use words as a venomous weapon. Please choose your words wiser next time. Try and envision where your opponents shoe’s have been. Don’t be so quick to jump the gun and plough someone down without a care in the world. What we all need to do is start using words that hold the receiver’s best interests at heart. We need to be uplifting people. We need to educate children better in order for them to grow up and be caring individuals. And above all, we must be kind to one another at all times. We are not here on this planet for very long, wouldn’t you want your legacy to be that of a kind, giving and caring human being?

❤ ❤ ❤

Monday Motivation: Optimism

Positivity, Monday Motivation

Ok my little pandas, this Monday motivation is brought to you by the word, optimism.

Last night, I was super bummed that the weekend had gone by so quick again. It’s like I let out an exhale on Friday and before the next inhale, it somehow magically turned into Sunday night. Isn’t that always the case? This quickness makes me feel like I’m not cramming enough in to my days. Like I’m not being productive enough. And then, just like that, my mood wavers to the rockier side of the seas, which in turn makes me get a little doubtful with myself. Negativity eventually swoops in and I find myself wishing certain things in my life had turned out differently. I’m not ashamed to admit that I mope on certain occasions. In fact, I used to really mope hard. A hardcore moper. Is there even such a thing?

Even though I don’t show it, I’m an emotional person who takes failures upon herself and doesn’t know how to woosah the fuck out! Initially I used to wallow in this mopey state. But it turns out that too much pent up negativity, causes stress and in my case, panic attacks. So I decided to start being as optimistic as possible. And do you know something? It’s made me calmer. I can think more rationally as opposed to dealing with things by a brain that was fuelled by emotions. It’s a nice feeling at the end of the day.

So this week we are all going to try and be more positive than we have been. If your job sucks, don’t worry. You will either quit and find a new one or better yet, start your own business. If you need to lose a few extra pounds, just remember to take one day at a time. Sometimes looking at the bigger picture makes you miss the tiny details that are oh so important. If your man is not treating you with the respect that you most definitely deserve, don’t worry, you will find the strength to move away from that situation. Because you will realise that you are a beautiful, amazing and genuine person who does not need people dragging you down. This also applies to friends who have made it all about them. If it’s not a two way street, then you’re gonna have to ditch-a-bitch. Simple as. The whole point is to rid your life of any negativity and in doing so, you will see that you won’t have much to worry about. I can’t even tell you what a freeing feeling it is. To not have drama. Man, it feels good!

What I’m really trying to sputter out is that life is a chaotic mess at times. But the more you de-clutter and the more positivity you push out there, the more good vibes you will receive in return. Trust me.

Let’s do this pandas! We got this!

❤ ❤ ❤

Weekend Photo Journal: Ain’t Nothing Like The 1950’s

Elizabeth Taylor

Pandas I often feel very strongly about the fact that I was born in the wrong era. Well, I’m torn to tell you the truth. From the one hand I really do love technology but from the other, I think I could give that up tomorrow if they invented a time machine so I could transport myself back to the 1950’s.

The women knew how to dress didn’t they? It was an era of glamour and class. Sure, it had it’s societal flaws but I still think it was a time where men were still gentlemen and women were decadent ladies. Have you seen what we look like nowadays? I look at myself in the mirror every day and sigh with disdain at how unladylike I truly am. It’s appalling to say the least. I get up and strap on some odd mismatched underwear. Then opt for jeans with the inner thigh being that of almost transparency because of being worn too many times and my hair is usually up in a ratty old mess of a blob, that’s blobbing around with too many stray hairs. The modern world has broken me down slightly into thinking that it’s okay to present myself like this. Because, if everyone around you isn’t really making much of an effort than it’s totally acceptable that you join in the merry mess of it all.  I fit in. Plus I live in a big city where I have become invisible.

All I can say is, that my grandma would be cursing in her grave if she saw me now. She would say, “Is this the girl I raised?! No sir it’s not!” You see, she was one of the glamorous ladies back in the day. She would always have a new frock, pearls and a fur coat. Her hair would be put into curlers from the night before and her skin and nails were always flawless. She would remain like this even with 3 kids and a huge extended family who she cooked and cleaned for. Not to mention tending to all the chores of a rural farm life in Ohio. Did I also mention that she could sew like it was no one’s business? Yeah… She could whip out an outfit and make it seem like it was a classic Dior or Givenchy. And what traits of her’s did I happen to inherit? Absolutely none of them. I regret that now. Even though I say I don’t regret anything in life. I will open up and lay it out there and confess that I do regret that. That, and me not writing her recipes down before she past away. That is a major regret of mine.

Anyway, enough of me yapping about my regrets. This post is to celebrate the simplicity of the 1950’s. Where women were deliciously curvaceous and flawlessly put together. Where love seemed more attainable. Where a kiss was held in a long passionate embrace between two souls who saw the universe in each other’s eyes. Where the day seemed to go by a little slower in order to enjoy each and every second. Where children would play out in the street instead of playing video games indoors. Where people actually connected in a real way instead of hiding behind the veil of the internet. To me it seemed like the place of more possibilities. I guess because the boom of the modern world was just starting it’s steam engine back then. Every photo that I laid my eyes upon told a wonderful story. A story of laughter, hope, mystery, intrigue, real unedited, un-photoshoped life. I truly don’t know what kind of story we could know by today’s selfie nation. A nation who is obsessed with shredding pounds and having millions of admirers yet not really knowing any of them. Have we become narcissistic? Does our life only have meaning with the amount of likes we get? Who knows. But one thing I can’t get out of my head is how the modern age has hindered us slightly. I suppose I just wanted to take the time out to celebrate an era that had a lot more promise for the future than we do now.

Before I sign off, can I just take the time out to address this last Marilyn Monroe image. Here was a women, despite all her flaws, was the envy of all the world. And just look at her, taking a photo in a bikini, not ashamed one bit of the womanly curves that she had. And by that I mean it wasn’t the flattest of tummies. Yet women wanted to be her, and men wanted to conquer her. Can we have more of that nowadays? I understand all the washboard abs that are flying around. I get it. But can we celebrate the fact that we are all beautiful just as we are. This photo, was real, unedited and not a touch of photoshop in sight. Obviously it wasn’t invented then but come on! You know what I mean. There is way too much touching up, filters, effects, and blah blah blah in today’s analytical world. We have dissected ourselves so much so that we have forgotten what real human beings are. I am not one to talk on this one. But I feel like it’s the pressures of society that have made me so harsh on my outer beauty. I scrutinize every detail, every flaw and quite frankly I’m getting really sick and tired of putting such a backbreaking burden upon myself.

So here’s to the simpler times…
❤ ❤ ❤

(if you want more info on the photos then check out my Pinterest Board: 1950s Inspiration)

Sometimes Life May Get You Down, But…

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How many of us have been here?! I’m pretty sure lots and lots of us. Here’s the thing, we can’t let life get to us. It’s too much stress and we all know that stress is not the best companion.

So, this weekend let’s just let go. Let’s pretend that for two days we don’t have to deal with what we really have to deal with. As the photo below says… Let’s be mermaids. Meaning, go do something to let go and de-stress. I know better than most how life can get. And to be honest, it’s not a pretty sight when you finally lose it. Therefore, if you don’t want to end up in the looney bin, do something that will make you feel like a million bucks. Go out on the town. Have a wonderful relaxing picnic in the park and read a book. Paint something. Take a bath. Have your friends over and get absolutely wasted and dance around. Whatever it is, just make sure you are laughing and having a great time.

Remember, you should be the king or Queen of your universe; don’t let life rule you. Get out there and go crazy this weekend. Exhale, smile and take a little trip to an unknown happy place. You never know, you just might feel rejuvenated. Go on…. step away for a little bit.

 

Lets be Mermaids

❤ ❤ ❤

Weekend Photo Journal: Hooray For Houndstooth

Houndstooth

Okay Pandas, this week I have been lusting over Houndstooth. There’s just something about the pattern, not to mention the cosy thickness of it. It’s so chic for winter that I want to shout it from the rooftops. Now I know over-using this pattern can scream houndstooth road kill. But splashes of it here and there, will always be a YES moment.

Enjoy!

{Here’s my pinterest board with all the images}

Weekend Photo Journal: Envious of Ms. Emerald Green

Emerald Envy

 

In this weekend’s photo journal I have decided to stick to another royal, rich, decadent colour of deliciousness. And that my panda buddies, is the beautiful Emerald Green. Isn’t it just a divine, sumptuous, opulent,  and exquisite colour? It should have been the colour of the Gods. If Zeus was still around I’m pretty sure he would have draped all of mount Olympus and the Parthenon with trinkets, trimmings and adornments of this sexy commanding colour.

Okay, okay… in reality it’s the colour of Ireland, the beautiful city in the Wizard of Oz which was aptly named ‘Emerald’, and the colour of luscious foliage from our earth. Why wouldn’t I feature it this weekend! It’s also a fantastic colour combo to last weekend’s photo journal. Granted if you wear both in excess you will be seen as an over zealous Christmas lover but who cares! Right? They are just too scrumptious not to smother all over your naked selves. Oh dear, I’m getting sexual again.

Anyway, without further ado…

PS- All photos have been taken from Pinterest. Here’s my board for Emerald Green.

People, Love and Materialism

words of wisdom

Ain’t the above so true my Pandas? I read it and was like YEAH! most people have lost sight of the important things in life. Why is that? I do know one thing though, a lot of us are starting to become collectors of things. It’s like the more we have, the more we are accepted and liked by society, or so we think. What the hell ever happened to love and being loved solely on who you are as a person? I think we look at all these “celebrities” on the cover of magazines and/or social media and for some reason people are breaking their backs trying to acquire a similar lifestyle. It’s not possible people. The average Joe does not make millions. The really sad thing is, that I know of people who wasted all their money on a high end Porsche or Ferrari, yet live in a fucking shit hole. You know why? Because they want to be on the streets showing the image of wealth off. Through their eyes, material possessions mean more. And if they knew someone who had even more, they would probably use them to acquire the same amount of things. It’s just one big greed-fest. I mean it might as well say, ‘love thy neighbour’s car’ in the ten commandments.

Personally I think most of us have lost the plot slightly. We forget that materialistic things are not what life is all about. It’s about connecting, travelling, eating, exploring, loving, comforting, soothing, lusting and exciting experiences. It’s about using your senses to the fullest. Touching, smelling, seeing, hearing and tasting everything that’s out there. I personally, would prefer good friends, a loving partner, a healthy family and happiness. What would I even learn from having a bunch of materialistic things? What love would I get in return? The answer is nothing! It’s a superfluous kind of existence. A shallow, hollow, soulless, lifeless existence.

I want to laugh from my belly. I want to eat exotic foods from exotic lands. I want to be touched from the love of a soul-mate. I want to hear dolphins playing and see pandas in the flesh, not just in photos or videos. I want to have in-depth soul shattering conversations. I want the sensation of butterflies in my stomach when the man I love looks at me in that way. I want the wink between two friends and an inside joke. I want to feel sand in between my toes. I want to hear the ice cream van come around the corner, filling me with my wonderful childhood memories. I want to be touched in all the right places. I want the feel of kisses all over my body. I want to be wanted. I want to feel piano keys vibrate a beautiful melody as I play. I want to dance with a lover in the rain. I want to sing at the top of my lungs in the shower. I want to feel my mom’s hugs. I want to taste the salty sea in my mouth. And most of all, I want to breathe the intoxicating fragrances of freshly cut grass and my grandma’s bread that’s been baked to perfection. I want life at the end of the day. The unabridged version. And no, I repeat NO car, or article of clothing, or accessory or blah blah blah, is ever going to give me the same feelings.

So what the hell are you waiting for?! Start loving the right way. Connect and be happy. God knows, this world would be a kinder place with more love and happiness in it.

Peace, Love and Deep meaningful emotions…