Weekend Photo Journal: All That Glitters

 

glitter, sparkles, twinkle. all that

I genuinely love this time of year. The only thing I miss out on in London is snow! I mean real blizzard snow, not the 12 drops that fall  and causes all transport to stop because no one knows how to deal with it.

To get me in the festive mood a ton of sparkly yumminess really does the trick. Especially on New Years, don’t you think? Therefore, since it’s that time of year, it’s only fitting that I do a weekend photo journal about everything that glitters, sparkles and shines. I normally send this out on a Saturday but seeing as this weekend is Christmas I’m posting it now. Either way, who knows you may get some inspiration for New Years Eve, if you haven’t sorted everything out to the tiniest detail already!

So without further ado… May I present everything that’s deliciously sparkly and twinkly.

*Warning: I might have gone slightly overboard with all that glitters….

❤ ❤ ❤

All the images were found through Pinterest. You can see my board  for all the details.

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Weekend Photo Journal: Everything Copper

Copper

My oh my! Copper is fabulous isn’t it?! I’m obsessed with it! If I had all the money in the world (ok enough to make me comfortable) then I would buy lots of copper! Copper for my home, copper for nail polish, copper for make-up, copper for food…. too much? Well, you get the idea. Accented copper decor in the home can really make any room pop.

I won’t keep you waiting. Here’s everything you could dream of for copper inspiration…

❤ ❤ ❤

By the way if you want all the info on each photo then scroll down to the bottom and click on the link that will connect you to my Pinterest board on Copper.

Pinterest Board: Copper Inspiration

Weekend Photo Journal: Marbleous

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Ok pandas, it’s that time again! This week I decided to start stepping away from summer. Sad as it is, it’s almost the end of August! Ahhh…how I’ll miss it so. Anyway this weekend’s photo journal is everything on MARBLE! I’m not going to lie I’m slightly obsessed. Well, with that and copper, which will be next weekend’s photo journal.

So…. without further ado, may I present everything marble!

 

For all the details of each photo, see my Pinterest Board: Marvellous marble.

One of The Worst Things That a Woman Could Hear From a Man…Or in General for That Matter.

the fear of never being good enough

Originally I was going to post a nice little write-up about how my walls came crashing down and how I let someone in and how nice it was and blah blah blah. But in the space of one day things have changed and now I’m going to let some steam out.  I will try and keep the swearing to a minimum but if I stick with my truth mantra (always be honest) then the first part of this sentence is bullshit. Anyway, this is the story of the worst thing I could have heard as a reason not to continue dating me. It might seem long, sorry, but keep reading!

I met a man recently. In fact I was praising the fact that he had awakened something inside of me from the initial kiss to not understanding why I never was in a situation where it was the right time and place with someone. Yet I was happy that someone was interested in me. Someone who appeared to be a gentleman.

We met in Cyprus through a friend of mine. He made the first move. He was always initiating everything and let’s not forget to mention that he seemed like the nicest man that I had ever met.Which I know I’ve already said. After the kiss I didn’t think anything of it. But he added me on Facebook the next day. The thing is we both were coming back to England. He was living in Bournemouth and had to finalise some things for his permanent move back to Cyprus. Therefore he was going to be here for a little over a month. I decided to send him a Facebook message to see how the packing was coming along and before I knew it we were talking through Skype. And after a short conversation he ask to meet up at the weekend. Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t have agreed to letting a man, who I hardly knew, stay with me the whole weekend but I decided to say ‘Fuck it’ and do something out of my comfort zone. I was nervous as hell. I didn’t want him to see me naked. To see the loosened skin separating from my non-existent muscles. Truly, I was petrified. But I thought, he pursued  me, so he must find me somewhat attractive. On that Friday when he came over, I made a comment in reference to my weight. As all insecure women know, we have to excuse ourselves for some reason. And his response was “Are you crazy? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror. You have a beautiful face. And your smile is amazing. The weight can be fixed if you’re unhappy.” His answer was refreshing. It made me feel a little more at ease. And besides, I reminded myself yet again that this man ran after me.

Him being in London went without a hitch. He was affectionate, attentive, listened, cared, and pretty much all-round great. While we laid in bed on the Saturday he expressed his want for me by saying “Come to Cyprus”. Implying that I should move back there. I just giggled at the thought. At that moment this was just a good time and nothing more. On the last day he asked if I would come down to Bournemouth. Which I said yes to almost immediately. Why not right?! What have I got to lose? If anything my Va-jay-jay was getting a good clear out from all the dust and cobwebs it was harbouring. So it was a win-win situation. I made my ticket for two weeks later.

During those two weeks he called every day. We either skyped or chatted through more conventional methods. He would make comments about my beautiful smile, talk to me about what he was doing,about his family and past experiences. You could say this thing started to develop into something for me. Mainly because this man was doing things that all the others have not done. Which was to simply be there and be open and be present. Therefore by the time it came for me to go to Bournemouth I was a little excited to see him again.

While there, he took good care of me. On Saturday we were driving home from the seaside and he said that if we were in the same country this thing would have worked out between us. I was taken aback. All I asked was “really, you think?” and he said “yes I do.” So as you can imagine when Sunday came rolling along I was, surprisingly, saddened by the whole affair. The departure was torturous. I guess it was the thought of leaving something that I couldn’t see threw. That I will always have to say ‘what if’? What if we were in the same country? In the long run I knew that this man wasn’t for me. But for the moment, I didn’t want it to end. I wanted another few stolen moments with him. As I took a bus back, all the way to London, I cried. Not because I really cared for him, but because feelings had resurface from the depths of my broken soul. I remembered what it was like to be with someone. And a part of me yearned for it just a little longer. I was so moved by all these fucking feelings that I decided to write him a FB message. It simply stated that I had appreciated the way that he treated me. It meant a lot. He somehow made me feel good enough again. But after I clicked the “send” button I somewhat regretted what I said. I opened up too much. Exposed my inner workings to someone who I didn’t really know, to the point of actually letting my vulnerability leak through. So like all idiotic women, I had to send another message. Saying I shouldn’t have been so forthcoming. His only response was “Relax, I’ll call you tomorrow.”

As the next day came slowly around I was uneasy, unsure and very emotional. He called at 9 that evening and he asked if I was alright. I said that I was fine. And he interrupted and said “Because yesterday you seemed really upset.” I grew silent. Carefully selecting my words. “I was just a little emotional because I had a good time. It’s been a long time that I’ve been very closed off. And in the beginning with you I was the same, however something happened and I couldn’t help it. But I’m sorry that I wrote that message on Facebook.” And he said, “No don’t be. It was the nicest thing that I’ve ever received in my entire life.” And for some reason, something inside of me wasn’t feeling 100% with this situation. So I blurted out “Honestly, if we were in the same country, could you have seen this continuing?” And his response was… “Yes and No.” I was like what?! “Ok, why no?” He paused, and said “Well, it’s two things. One, is that you smoke and even though you are in the process of quitting I would ask that you never do it again. And two, (get ready for this one) is your weight.” I froze. I said “Wait a minute. Are you telling me that you wouldn’t continue this because I’m too fat?!” and he said “…Yes”. I was in such shock that I closed the phone.

How does a man have the right to say that to a woman? How does he get to build a woman up, her self esteem raised and her head held high, and then with one sentence render her mute, unworthy and not good enough. This man was basically telling me that I was good enough to fuck, yet not good enough to be in a relationship with. His words cut me. I was already insecure. I was already stressed out by society to look a certain way. He didn’t know what health issues I was going through. He didn’t know anything about me. Yet here he was, telling me that I was unhappy and that I should lose weight. Now, I’ll have you know that this man is no Adonis! So for the life of me I couldn’t understand why he said what he said. Because he for sure, has not found the holy grail of perfection. I think the thing that I questioned the most was, how could a man say and do all these things and then shatter you. I had been with different men all of which let me know their real character from the beginning. This one, I found to be of the worst kind. The one you never see coming.

That whole night I cried, and I couldn’t remember the last time I did that. I even called my friends who consoled me and cried along with me. Because they knew what I’ve been through. And they knew that this was yet another set-back in the world of bullshit dating. The next day I felt sick. I didn’t even want to look at my fat self in the mirror. I couldn’t eat and I left work early. I knew that I had to confront this man. I couldn’t let him off with such a sentence being unchecked. So that evening I called and went on and on for 52 minutes. He kept on apologising. He begged for me to accept his apology and I said no. I didn’t want to have anything to do with someone who was so superficial and had no ambitions in life. I certainly don’t deserve to be treated like that. And if I accepted the apology then I am accepting what he said. And no woman should accept that. He meant what he said. He said I wasn’t attractive but if I lost weight I could be more attractive. I mean what ever happened to the fact that looks will fade? And once they do, what in the fuck will you have to offer? There is so much more to people than how they look. It’s the inner workings that intrigue and fascinate me. Do they make me laugh, can we have deep conversations? Does he quench my soul?

So, what had I learned from all of this? Well, that men (people in general) can be cruel creatures. Sometimes, even though you may have super thick skin, there will come a time when someone will break your defences down and rip out your heart…. again.

At the end of the day, I know that I am a great person, not perfect, but great nonetheless. If the gods or the fairies of this world had intended for all of us to be the same then we would have been created that way. Evolution would have made us all identical. Like fucking sharks or alligators. At the moment I have extra pounds. So what! I accepted him with all his flaws. Why couldn’t he have the courtesy to do the same for me. Why couldn’t he look deeper? Even for a short while! But no, society has made everyone question everything about themselves. And I’m tired of always fearing that I’m not good enough. That I don’t compare to those models who have all the curves in all the right places. I’m tired of the shallowness. I’m tired of Tinder and Badoo. And I’m tired of men and women thinking that words don’t scar, leaving very deep open wounds.

I’m pissed to say the least. I’m slightly hurt but more so pissed. However, I know, as with everything else in my life, I will get over it. I will file this away with the worst of them and move on.

Ladies, we are all beautiful and bring so much to the table. If men can’t see you for you, then they can go fuck themselves. End of story.
Ps- On the bright side, at least I won’t ever have to say “what if” over this asshole. Which is exciting because it’s one more that I can crossed off the list. 

❤ ❤ ❤

Where Has The “Delicious Tango of Minds and Universes” Gone?

couple looking longingly at each other

My fluffy Pandas! Hope you’re all doing well.

Sunday night I was looking at my Facebook Newsfeed, partly because I was bored and mostly because I had just finished from a long weekend of firsts for me (which I will explain in another post) so I really didn’t know what to do with myself. As I was scrolling, I stumbled upon one of Juliette Lewis’ posts. Firstly can I just say that I have loved her since the 80’s and secondly I once bumped into her right off of Charing Cross Road in London. I was with my friend at the time and we were just faffing around, not really knowing what to do for the remainder of our time together. When lo and behold this petite woman walked past us. I was like “DUDE!! that’s Juliette Lewis! I love her!” We then proceeded to follow her, desperately trying not to look like one of those questionable stalkers. She was on the phone and when she saw us hovering around and staring at her like a bunch of morons she hung up and we asked for her autograph. We only had one piece of paper amongst me and my friend, so after we apologised profusely for bothering her, she signed the lonely sheet. Anyway long story short she was super nice in person which made me like her even more than what I already did.

So back to the real story, she posted something that made me want to scream YES at the top of my lungs. Not only because I agreed with it so vehemently but because I have been spouting the same thing (For example… here, here, here and here) ever since Tinder and Badoo came into existence.  Here it is before I start yapping on and on….

Juliette Lewis on dating apps

I mean right?! Like, exactly this! Every perfectly chosen word hits home with a loud bang. For me, personally, I have found it hard to conform to these dating app/online shenanigans. I tried Tinder once but hated it and Badoo was equally as disappointing. I did meet a man through the latter one who tried to “date” me but he had major issues with opening up and commitment. So that ended up becoming sex every once in a blue moon. So after that experience I got rid of the apps. I was fed up really. I was annoyed that I had to put a photo up of myself along with a short biography that no one ever reads. I hated the fact that I was being judged on photos only. What about my wit, or the twinkle in my eye, or seeing my genuine smile or hearing me laugh? These apps are missing the most important bits of you. The tiny nuances that make you, you! These frozen images that are carefully constructed to attract more views are on display 24/7. Therefore men can go through hundreds of women to help increase their probability that one or three will respond positively to them. They are not looking for the one. They are merely looking for the one right now. And then the one two days from now. And then the one 3 weeks from now. We are in the disposable era. In fact we are so quick at the process that someone invented a technique which only takes a single swipe to say you don’t like the way they look.

Whatever happened to wanting to get to know a person? As Juliette Lewis says, people don’t want to ‘deliciously tango their minds and universes’ together. To intertwine their experiences, feelings, thoughts, hopes, fears. Where is the late night deep, meaningful conversations? The laughter? The tears? Why do we want to accept this doomed world of robotic humanoids who only interact with electronic devices. Aren’t your necks fucking stiff by know? All that looking down. We are forgetting what it is to be human. To love deeply and to open your soul to another beautiful soul. I fear that in about another 10 years our younger generations will not know how to speak to another human, face to face. They will be the shielded screen generation. The mutes who probably will have evolved to possessing 12 fingers and telepathy.

Men are forgetting about chivalry and  the coy, intricate workings of the chase. And women unfortunately, are allowing themselves to be caught without a fight. Not even questioning where the wooing, courtship, romance has gone. We are accepting things as “well, that’s evolution for ya! I will jump on the bandwagon because every other woman has done so.” We as women are allowing these men to treat us as second hand products that they can swipe through to get to the shinier  newer ones. Where have our standards gone women?! Personally, at this very moment, I do not care that everyone and their mommas are on these apps. I do not enjoy them. I find texting a tedious task that only proves how cowardly people have become. I mean for example, on two separate occasions I was excommunicated  with through a Facebook  message and via a text. These men didn’t even have the balls to call me. They didn’t respect me enough as a person to give me the common courtesy of a phone call.

I want to hold onto the fact that people can still meet in a random time and place and catch the playful longing in someone’s eye across the room; which entices you to gravitate towards each other. As you start talking you might notice that they have the cutest, tiniest freckle grazing the corner of their lips. You find out they laugh with such gusto for life and they touch your arm gently to let you know they are interested. The sensations make you blush slightly. The musky yet playful air of flirtation runs rampant as they brush the hair away from your face. Then suddenly your senses get hit again. This time with a deliciously enticing scent. For a second your mind wanders as you engulf their aura. You try and lean closer. You’re interested. And as this beautiful sonata crescendos towards a gratifying peak you realise that a mere photo of this person would not have done them justice. In fact this small dance that was just exchanged was more intense than a ‘what’s up?’ through a text message. Because once you take a way the barrier of the screen from your electronic device you see a raw, unfiltered, unedited soul. What could be more beautiful than that?

I don’t want to settle for the mundane bullshit of me sitting at home flicking through random profile photos. I want to converse, laugh, play with their hair, brush past their arm gently and create a witty match of sentences as we discover all the unknowns. I want to live outside in the world and not the created one that we portray on social media. I want to be more than a frozen portrait on someone’s screen that they can swipe away as if shooing a fly.

Please for the love of rainbows, can we remember the beauty of a chance meeting? The power of in-person interaction. There really isn’t anything better than that cheeky glance at the beginning of a flirtatious encounter. Because in that moment, your world becomes infinite. It becomes real. It becomes a little more meaningful. And what can be better than that?

❤ ❤ ❤

 

Makeup Review: Lily Lolo

Lily Lolo

Ok my pandas, firstly I should start by saying that I have been unhappy with my makeup for the last two years. I have searched high and low for a foundation that not only covers my poor excuse of a face but doesn’t make it look like I just conked out on top of a cake; a bit like Mrs. Doubtfire. It’s been a hard mission trying different foundations and getting frustrated that something was not quite right with any of them. One was too thin, another was too cake-y, another would make the fine lines on your face seem deeper and so on. So, I decided to try a really nice mineral foundation again.

Back in the day I used to use Bare Escentuals, but that was when their foundation cost £14 (roughly $21). I tried it again when it reached £23 and something in their product changed. So now that it’s risen in price yet again to £26 I have decided to journey far and wide (my internet) to see if I could find a miracle foundation. And that’s when I stumbled upon Lily Lolo!

After reading lots of different reviews I decided to try their foundation out. The one thing I was worried about was which shade I should go for. But you know what I then realised? You could get sample products for just £1.49! That way you can get two or three different shades to see which one suits you best. I stupidly should have gotten 3 different ones, but I ended up with one. I finally decided on a sample foundation in Butterscotch, a sample finishing powder in Flawless silk, a sample mineral bronzer in Bondi Bronze, a mineral concealer in Nude and a Makeup Mist. I wanted to try out the foundation with it’s other counterparts and not just on it’s own. You know, to see how well they work together.

Here’s what I got…

 

So, my overall verdict? Well, this brand really did surprise me. First off, it is such a lifesaver to get sample sizes! Because this brand is only available online, it is essential to get testers to see which shades will suit you. And let’s be honest the photos, no matter how great they are, won’t depict the true colour or how it will look like on your skin. Therefore, I really didn’t mind paying the £1.49 for each sample. For the foundation I was able to use it three times. The bronzer and the finishing powder are still almost full. So it was a good buy.

Once I moisturised my face and put a primer, I applied the foundation using a brush. I started off a little at a time just in case. After, I put the bronzer on by doing a contouring technique. Then I put the finishing powder all over my face. And finally to finish it off I sprayed the makeup mist as instructed. The final outcome was great. My face looked fresh, matte, and no flaws were visibly apparent. I do think it’s super important to put a good amount of moisturiser to your face before hand because otherwise I fear that this particular foundation will look dry and flaky against your skin. Don’t forget to let your lotion and primer settle for a good few minutes. Let your skin soak it up. Then you can start applying your makeup.

The first time I tested the makeup was while I was getting ready for work. The reason being, I wanted to see how long it would last for. And surprise surprise it lasted all day without smudging. Somehow as the hours past, it seemed as though the mineral powders mixed with my skin’s oils and looked almost creamy. But it still kept the shin under control. I actually felt like I could run a 10K and it would still be kept all in place without a single trace of perspiration visible.

All in all, I was so pleased with this brand that I decided to bite the bullet and purchase the big sizes.

Lily Lolo

Lily Lolo

I do think, however, that I will try another shade of their foundation because the one that I got had quite a strong undertone of yellow. Even though I think my skin has natural yellow undertones, this seemed a bit too yellow for my liking. But of course it wasn’t the foundation’s fault, it was my own. So I will get a couple more sample sizes just to test which is best. Because as we all know, makeup is a very much trial and error process.

Also, just wanted to add that the site was very easy to use and I received the package in a couple of days without having to pay extra. Plus their product prices are absolutely wonderful! For those of you who are like me, counting their pennies, then this brand is not only worth it but a definite necessity to have.

So my little fluffy pandas, I think I will be sticking with this brand for a very long while.

❤ ❤ ❤

Having The Flu Made Me Realise I Miss Certain Things From Being In a Relationship

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This realisation was a pretty painful one to admit to after sitting and contemplating it for a while. Reason being, I like being on my own. I like not having to answer to anyone, I like sleeping in the middle of my double-size bed and #sorryNotsorry, but I like not sharing. In fact, I like relying only on myself. And to top things off, you might gasp but, I actually really love being alone all the time. So when this bastard of a flu came around one day, I found myself hallucinating about soup being brought to me on a cloud of kisses, amongst other things. And that’s when it hit me, in between shivering and throwing up, I missed the comfort one brings when they take care of you. The strength that they pass on and the love that oozes out from their pores is a wondrous blanket that engulfs you. You feel safe… secure in a little cocoon.

As I struggled to get myself dressed so I could get some flu supplies (food, water, Vicks, a gun) I actually cursed my life at that moment. Muffled swears and moans were the only things that soothed me. Why couldn’t I have found someone who would do these things for me? Go out to the store, put on my favourite movie, say they love me? Instead, I had these two assholes for company and cuddles.

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Would ya look at them! These two were it for me. Ping Pong and Pooh Face. My sidekicks who were only able to sit, stare and look cute. They were not able to make me soup, or make my laugh, or buy more tissues, or hug me back, or say that I’m going to be ok. Nope, instead, as I grabbed at the last of my attire, a scarf, they sat, motionless. Probably having naughty thoughts of the Care Bears. I wanted to cause bodily harm to them. I know that’s a bit much. I would never do it, I just thought it. I thought maybe I should just perch them on my balcony and let the wind blow them down three stories. I was in a dark place pandas…

As I closed the door and schlepped out in the windy rain I cursed my predicament. I cursed the fact that I was alone. It’s sad how one flu can render your beliefs moot. In one day, I had thrown away my stance on solitude, on strength and on independence. This virus had polluted not just my blood cells but also my mind. And as I finally made my way to the grocery store I was in such a state of misery that I hoped the gods would be kind to me and let me croak out on the cold drab floor, in between my favourite aisle, the alcohol one. I thought that if I were face up then my last glance would be to a bottle of a full bodied red. In all honesty, it wasn’t such a bad way to go. It sure beats out drowning. Unless I was drowning in red wine. Yeah, red wine. Mmmm….

Anyway, my self-pity wasn’t doing me any favours but I couldn’t snap out of it. As I picked out what items I desperately needed, I also made a list of things that I have missed by not being in a relationship.

  1. Massages
  2. Having a snuggle partner
  3. Being comfortable enough to expel some fluids while my hair is pulled out of the way.
  4. Having someone remember my pills for me.
  5. Making soup and feeding it to me, airplane style. (oh ok, I don’t need someone to feed me)
  6. Drawing a bath
  7. Reading to me
  8. Conversations to distract me
  9. Watching a  movie while my feet are being rubbed
  10. Saying I’m beautiful even when clearly, at this moment, I’m not
  11. Remembering my favourite candy and surprising me with it to cheer me up
  12. Remembering that I hate chunky slimey tomatoes and picks them out of my food
  13. Playing Etta James for me
  14. Sending a cute text or email to check up on me
  15. Any check up scenario really, even just to see how my day has gone
  16. Sharing your dreams
  17. Sharing you deepest thoughts
  18. Bonding over a great bottle of red wine
  19. Laughing with someone – the kind of laughter that makes you think you’re about to pass out because you’re taking in too much oxygen
  20. Knowing that we are a team and that if one of us is down, then the other will be there to pick up the slack
  21. Being loved

As I scanned the cheese aisle for my feta cheese I realised that what I was missing was number 21….being loved…and not by my parents. I was missing, in that vulnerable state, the act of a person who loved me. Someone who would look at this sickly, no makeup hag and say, ‘man I really lucked out’. Someone to say that they loved me even in the state that I was in. It’s funny how a little flu can make you feel sorry for your current state of affairs. It’s even more hilarious that just 48 hours prior I was spouting out a blog post centred around the theme of “Loving Yourself”. And I was going on and on about being strong and knowing your self worth and how I truly loved me, even more so now that I’m single. It’s laughable, I know. However, in my defence it was a really bad flu. I think I might have been having bouts of hallucinations as well. No seriously. (ok no.. not so seriously).

I thought I could try and snap out of it by knocking myself out with a feta cheese. But as I raised the goats’ product in my hand, I realised that it would have been a waste. So, I paid for my items and walked the lonely walk home. Rain in my face, unable to hold the umbrella because I did not have three hands and coughing all the way around the corner and down my street.

FYI: I am writing this about five days after my flu died down. I needed to be a sane human being after all. If I had wrote this post on the day I went to the grocery store then, some of you would have been reporting me to the loony bin, in an American Horror Story kind of way. So I waited, calmed myself and now I am reverting to my original mantras. You know the ones where I say that I am not perfect. And there will be days that I will reflect and share things of what I’m going through. It doesn’t make me crazy, it just makes me an imperfect human being. A human being who for three days felt sorry for herself, where the loneliness was excruciatingly palpable. That’s all. I still miss some parts of being in a relationship, just not enough to actually be in one at the moment. Besides I am not ready to share my bed or my food.

❤ ❤ ❤