Can I just say that after so many years of being in ridiculous relationships, floating around in an odd bubble, I have loved the last two year stint of absolute aloneness. It’s been great. No honestly! I found out what I want, who I am and where I want to go. It’s actually quite a liberating experience. And I highly recommend it! That’s why the above quote hit me like a ton of bricks. I actually wanted to write to Ms. Warsan Shire and say “You are awesome girl! You totally fucking get me!” It does feel good. I have somehow magically repaired myself through this solitude. I feel whole again. I feel like me again. Like the silly idiot who always wants to burst out laughing and loves life. And I will not be bamboozled into having some randomer come in to my life and destroy what I have built. I will only allow someone come into my world who makes me even better than I am. Someone who can aid, nurture, and add to my silliness. Anything less would be a mockery. It would be a down right stupid choice to make. And I am sure as hell, over stupid choices.
So here’s to embracing your inner loner-self and actually loving it.
The sadness of this rings ever so true. At least for me. When I first read this I couldn’t help but be drawn to the words. And then my past caught up with me and engulfed my soul. Memories of brokenness broke out of me. Sorrow of a weaker self. A diminishing of a character that once used to flourish. After reading this quote, I realised that my past of a torturous, abusive love, was indeed a war. And upon my return, was faced with changes in a person that I did not recognise.
Well isn’t that the truth! It’s such a fitting quote on love. Some may fall in a few seconds while others may take hours. But once we do fall, it’s engulfing. Like being swallowed up into an abyss. Where escape is a word that’s unknown. The blanket of comfort and the gentleness of the night sooth you. A welcomed silence of gratifying deafness. Happy to be spent in such a safe moment from here until endlessness…
Let’s start our week of Love off right. And what better way to start, than to talk about weirdness. Yeah you read right! I’ll have you know that Dr. Seuss was spot on with the above quote.
Weirdness takes a major precedence when finding your preferred mate o’ love. Why? Well behind closed doors is where we unleash our weirdness. Where we can be our true selves. So we need to find someone who we can be weird together.
I’ve decided to dedicate this week to Love. Awwww, how cute is that? No, wait a minute, I think I might barf. Anyway, no matter what my feelings are on the matter, I wanted to talk about love in all its glory. As well as all its ugliness. The real reason however, is because Valentine’s Day and 50 Shades of Grey are both on Saturday. So I thought, why not do a week dedicated to a subject that has perplexed, annoyed, exhilarated, annihilated, embodied, punched, saddened and evoked me? After all, it is the one and only subject that I have been so obsessed with for all of my life. So I might as well stop being so stank face about it. It’s about time I embrace it. Or at least openly admit that I have a few issues. It’s the men I tell ya. They have driven me so crazy that my eye starts twitching and my hands ball up into a fist….But I will be the first one to admit, that it’s about time to let go of this grudge.
I’m writing you in solitude
Thinking everything will be fine.
But I know better with all the uncompromising attitude,
That this love that I want is only capable in my mind.
I sit here wondering if this is how god wanted life to be,
Or even if it was fate that brought us certain things as a test.
How can things be perfect between you and me,
When you’re giving half of yourself and I’m giving you all that is best.
Don’t think of returning this, I don’t want a reply,
I want something that you can’t give me.
there is no point in fixing it, just take it as a goodbye.
I hope one day you will think of me,
When your mind is fully cleared.
Then maybe you will finally see
That it was only you, yourself, should have feared.
Where were those walks on the beach,
Those romantic subtle gestures?
Why was the love so hard to reach
When all you had to do was hold me and treat our love as a treasure.
I know there are lots of things that you wished were different,
Things that you could have changed.
But if I stick this out, will it be a good investment?
Will our love ever become unchained?
So here I am wishing you well in all that you do and try
I want something that you can’t give me
So don’t think of returning this, I don’t want a reply.
I was reading an article on the Huffington Post by Dr. Carmen Harra called “The 10 Elements of a Soulmate” and as I read the list I realised that I actually yearned for a deeper connection with someone. I may joke in my blog posts about the fact that I will be single forever and it won’t phase me but as I read this list I realised that I was scared to be left on this planet alone.