When a Loaded Word (c**t) is Flung in Your Direction…

Today started off as any other day. I sent out my CV to potential job opportunities (I was made redundant), had lunch and then decided to do my daily walk around town.  It would always end at my local Waitrose (grocery store chain in the UK) where I would pick up a few necessities and then make my way to Costa Coffee where I would splurge and get my decaf peach iced tea. Yes, that is what I call splurging at the moment. This has been my routine, my world, for the last 2 months. A simple one. But today was not like any other day, today was the day I was called an uneducated C**t in an upscale grocery store.

I personally hate the ‘C’ word. Which is why I can’t even bring myself to write it down in this post. Yes, I have written swear words unapologetically before. But this one is something I can’t do. And the word carries a more loaded, heavier, vulgar connotation when it’s being easily flung by a man’s lips towards your direction. It becomes even weightier when you search into his eyes and know that if you were alone with him and not in a crowded store with witnesses, the scene would have ended in a very different way.

It all started as I was waiting in line to pay for my things. There was a man who was two people behind me talking. At first I thought he was talking to someone but then I realised that he was complaining about waiting in line. He started swearing and saying the staff were incompetent and other abusive nonsense. The woman behind me, who was much older than I, was getting agitated and a little fearful. As we waited he kept on saying these things under his breath but loud enough for his neighbouring line members to understand everything. The woman that was behind me left the line. And I simply had enough. So I turned to him and said ” We are all waiting and I know it sucks to wait but relax it will go by quick.” That was all I said. He paused turned to look at me and went in. “Mind your own fucking business, who the fuck are you. Mind your own fucking business.” I was not shocked at his response because I realised he was a man that was always itching for a fight no matter who it was with. I’m pretty sure that even a 90 year old defenceless woman would have felt his wrath had she dared to utter two words to him. So I turned around, without saying another word and went to the cashier to pay. Unfortunately now his rage was not directed at the staff but towards me.

As I was trying to pay he approached the cashier line and to my dismay he came to the next cashier closest to me and kept on spewing his venom in my direction. I finally said loudly ” Is this what you do? You start fights and verbally attack women?” And with that he paid, brushed right past me and said “shut the fuck up you uneducated C**T!!!” as he walked out the store. The hatred that he had for me was palpable. It was as if I had killed his own mother. It pored out of him easily, without remorse or embarrassment.  I didn’t realise it at the time, but I allowed myself to become so flustered that my whole body started shaking uncontrollably. It took all my strength to try and get my Visa card into that thin slot and punch in the correct numbers. I was shaking because I saw red, I saw a man who was allowed to walk the streets and spew hatred everywhere he went and all I could think about was beating the shit out of that poor excuse of a human being. Obviously I would have lost because he was a built brainless gorilla, but I would have given it my all nonetheless.

For some reason it got to me. This exchange shook me and I think it was because an aggressively large man that was obviously holding onto a lot of repressed anger killed me with two words. I allowed those words to have meaning. I gave them power. But I later realised that I was most upset because my old self would have stood there in defiance. Would have taken it and not flinched and cried afterwards  as she walked by herself towards home. I would have brushed it off and carried on without a care in the world. My old self would have held her ground in that grocery store. And that’s when I realised that somewhere along the way, I had lost myself. With all my health problems, and stress about money and finding a job and not having true support from friends or family it had all chipped away at me. All to the point of not being able to stand there and defend myself like I once knew how to do.

Granted if we were to replace the aggressive man with an aggressive woman then I’m pretty sure those words wouldn’t have stung so deep. Unfortunately it wasn’t. And unfortunately this man, didn’t know my backstory when we met on the battlefield. He didn’t know that I was suffering and trying to overcome my own demons. He didn’t know that I was a shell of the woman I once was. But even if he did I’m pretty sure he would have acted in the same manner. Because some people don’t care how they affect others. Some people just like to feel powerful and words can belittle a person’s soul even more so than a physical wound ever could. Words, if heard often enough can wither you down to the point of losing all self-worth. It’s funny because as I look back on my life, it has always been the words that I have remembered the most and not the physical altercations. And if you hear enough of them in your lifetime it becomes a constant battle to always remember that you are a human being who deserves love just like everyone else.

I don’t know the story behind the man with the vinegar tongue but I’m pretty sure it’s a sad one. I’m pretty sure his upbringing wasn’t the best. Equally, I’m almost certain that he had a male figure in his life that has passed on these vulgar tones of hatred in his soul; probably coupled with a mother who didn’t show him enough love as a child. I’ve seen people come from similar backgrounds who vow never to be like their predecessors. But alas, I don’t know his story so I won’t sit and ponder the what if’s of his youth. But somewhere along his lifeline, this man fell between the cracks and anger has been the fuel to aid his fire. All I feel, in this moment, is pity for him. That is the only thing I will allow myself to give to that man.

As for me, I will brush this off. I have brushed this off. But I’m sharing this because I wanted to express my sorrow for those who use words as a venomous weapon. Please choose your words wiser next time. Try and envision where your opponents shoe’s have been. Don’t be so quick to jump the gun and plough someone down without a care in the world. What we all need to do is start using words that hold the receiver’s best interests at heart. We need to be uplifting people. We need to educate children better in order for them to grow up and be caring individuals. And above all, we must be kind to one another at all times. We are not here on this planet for very long, wouldn’t you want your legacy to be that of a kind, giving and caring human being?

❤ ❤ ❤

100 Things To Do Before You Die…

100 things to do before you die

So my little pandas, I have been MIA lately and I can only send you 1000 apologies for that. In a nutshell I have changed jobs and for the past 7 weeks my stomach has felt like Mount Vesuvius. It was affecting me so much that I couldn’t even leave my house in fear that I would randomly explode on public transport. I’m sure that’s painted a wonderful picture but that’s my life at the moment. It ain’t all roses. On top of that, I had major stress that I would be fired because I kept having to leave. But luckily as of right now they have been understanding about the situation. But who knows if this continues.

In these past  several weeks, I’ve been so down in the dumps that I did some woe is me kind of thinking. My conclusion? Is that life is way too short and I have wasted many years of it. I also realised that if you don’t have your health then you don’t have anything. The joy of walking around and not needing to be near a bathroom is like a foreign act for me nowadays. It’s hindered everything. Slowly I know I’m getting better but as I’m sure you can guess, my mental faculties were fried. Exhaustion and stress took over and negativity and moping were my new friends.

As I sat around being sulky I couldn’t help but think ‘Man, I haven’t achieved much up until now…’ I literally work, sleep and eat. Which if I’m being completely honest is not a healthy way to live. Alone all the time and work? No, it should definitely be more than that.

Flashbacks started coming to me of a girl many moons ago, full of hopes and dreams, knowing that she would never lead a settled, 9-5 life. She sensed that she would do big things. But alas life has a humorous way of weaving you through an obstacle course that’s so vast and tangled you eventually forget what you’re striving for.

And on that note, I should mention that next Friday the 8th of July is my 33rd birthday. So now you know where my head’s at and why I’ve been moping more than usual. Add the Mount Vesuvius issues and you’ve got a mess of epic proportions. The paranoid fears in my mind are concocting scenarios such as whispers being heard from all across the land of an old lonely spinster bitch who can’t even afford a goldfish for company. My only hope is that if I stick up a lot of affirmations and goals around my place I will subconsciously start to change for the better. Therefore to get me going I’ve made a bucket list of the things that I believe one should do before they die.

Here you go…

Bucket list 100 things to do before you die

When You Realise That Your Emotions Haven’t Completely Shrivelled up and died….

Love, Feelings, Emotions,

Pandas, I am officially back. Well, to be honest I came back late last Thursday night but I was not mentally prepared to start my brain until today. Yes, it took me a week. I have been a walking blob ever since I arrived in London. For those of you who don’t know where I went, it was to Cyprus, which is in the Mediterranean. My parents and other family members (from my dad’s side) live there. This was the first time in years that I decided to spend Christmas over there. To be completely honest, I have not been a fan of that country for a while now. And that was mainly because it held a very important reminder for me every time I stepped my pudgy foot back on its soil. A painful reminder of unrequited love. Or more to the point, a fake love that left me barren of any kind of emotions whatsoever. He stole them from me. Like a thief of an elaborate and unexplainable heist. Broken and tarnished, I left my country. I left because my greatest drive was to move back to London. If I didn’t have that ambition then I know I definitely would not have been here right now talking to you guys.

When I think about my love life from the past (almost) 4 years since I’ve left Cyprus, it has been quite a nonexistent affair. Penises have come and gone. Yet feelings haven’t been exchanged, nor did the stirring of emotions commence. For a while I didn’t question it. I puttered along without a care. But then I started to wonder if he who must not be named, broke me for good. I never felt anything. I would tell the one friend who actually cared to listen that something must have died. That my va-jay-jay closed up shop to reevaluate the meaning of her existence. Because let’s face it, she was not fulfilling some of her job requirements. There was simply no use for her. I was convinced that she had shrivelled up and died along with my heart. To the rest, I would of course pretend that all was fine. Only adding that I didn’t want anyone in my life. That I was happy being the hermit that I am. Which was partly true.

So after all this time had passed I just assumed that my notion of being a miserable, cold-hearted, no-feeling, unemotional, crude, lonely bitch was true and that there was no cure. Not even maybe a reversal process that I could try out.  So with that, I left for Cyprus thinking that this was how I was going to see in the new year. A controlled ball of chaos.

As I stepped off the plane into the country of my high school days, something felt different. I didn’t feel dread this time round. On previous occasions I would get nervous that I would bump into people. The kind of people who talk and gossip. But this time I felt more at peace. Maybe I was just happy leaving London for a bit, who knew.

I met up with one of my besties who would take me out to great restaurants, coffee places where we would talk about life, giggle and enjoy each others company. I started to relax more. I remembered what it felt like to have friends around. I began to feel at ease. So when she decided for me that I would come to her house gathering I said of course without getting stressed about how I looked. And on that night, because my guard was down and I was laughing and having a good time, I happened to meet someone and we ended up kissing. It was the first time in many years where the act of kissing felt normal. It felt like this person meant it. It wasn’t a fleeting moment in the hopes that his attempts would advance into my panties. It was a shared intimate moment between two unknown souls. In that moment I felt wanted, not invisible and pretty. I didn’t worry about how I looked, or my flaws or any other insecurities that I might have. I was present in that moment and that moment alone.

In what felt like an alternate universe, something stirred within me. For the first time in a long time, my insides started to unthaw and that’s when I realised that I wasn’t such a lost cause anymore. There was still life in me yet. Most likely nothing will come out of that shared moment. But I am thankful that someone revived me even if only for a short while. It was definitely nice to remember what a genuinely sincere stolen moment felt like. I don’t expect miracles after that one encounter but for a person who has been convinced that she was broken it was a nice change of pace.

As the night came to an end, we went our separate ways but not before one final connection. And with that we got into our cars and drove off.

 

❤ ❤ ❤

 

 

Just Own Your Bad Decisions and Move On…

Bad Decisions, Friday, Best Stories

Happy Friday Pandas!

Can you believe it’s only two more weeks to Christmas?! I mean where has this year gone? Mentally I have started shutting down knowing that I have exactly 13 days until I go back home to see my parents in Cyprus. Whoop whoop! Anyways, enough with the pleasantries. This post is not about me going back home, but about bad decisions.

Since it’s officially Friday I started thinking about all the ridiculous shenanigans that I’ve gotten myself into throughout the years. I mean there have been some major doozies. Some of which my friends don’t even know. Well, what can I say? Sometimes I let go, and when I do, I go with the flow and do stupid things. The day after I cringe, shaking my head violently as if hoping to extract the awful memories from my brain. And when I eventually tell a friend they are either shocked or a little disgusted. To be honest, you can read it on their faces quite easily. So I haven’t really divulged all my secrets. What’s the point really. I don’t want to feel less human just because what I do may be a little crazier than most. Lately, however, I have been a lonely hermit which has to do with lack of money and the fact that I, at the moment, am stuck in a rut. Well, that and the fact that I am enjoying my loneliness at the moment. So tonight, despite it being a Friday, it will be a mellow one for me. However, if you guys decide to go out then I just wanted to say…. have a great time. Go out and do something different. Go on an adventure. Say yes to something that you normally wouldn’t. Don’t be the same old boring you. Let go for one evening even if the results turn out to be really bad decisions. Yes, throughout your life you will make some pretty stupid, very bad decisions. But don’t cringe like I used to do. The only reason that happens is because of what society and your friends deem acceptable. You are not a perfect human being. Your friends are not perfect human beings. In fact, none of us are! So don’t let anyone make you feel worse about your actions. Life is for living, isn’t it? Well take your bad decisions, own them and move on. That’s it.

Through the years I have been shamed by my actions, which resulted in me apologising for things that did not need an apology. It’s resulted in me backing away from people. It’s resulted in embarrassment. Well, I say, enough is enough. We will all do some questionable things throughout our lives. Just go with it and don’t regret anything. Because who wants to be stuck in the same boring routine where you’re trying so hard to be perfect all the time. That’s not a carefree life. So make your mistakes, dust yourself off, learn from them and move on.

With that being said my fluffy pandas, have a magical weekend that’s hopefully filled with laughter, adventure and NO regrets! As for me… I will be loving life like this tonight…

Friday Night quote staying in

❤ ❤ ❤

This Week’s Mission: Taking Some ‘You’ Time…

You time

Well, my dear fluffy pandas, another weekend has come and gone. Sunday’s are always a bit of a drag aren’t they? It’s a mixture of emotions. In the morning you’re happy because you realise you have one more day to relax, while the evening seems like a countdown to dooms day Monday. Okay maybe that’s a bit much. But as you know from my previous Sunday posts (here, here and here. There’s more but I restrained myself) that I am not a super fan of this particular day. I tend to reflex, mope and then look to the week ahead in a somewhat positive light. The only reason why I do the latter  is so as it reduces the chances of me making up an excuse to call in sick on Monday.

Anyway, this Sunday I have decided to end the weekend on a motivational high note. A mission for me as well as allb of you pandas out there. You ready? This week we are all going to be taking time off for ourselves. Yup. This week is going to be ‘YOU WEEK’! What what!

I’m not saying take the week off. However, if you can, go for it. But the reality is we probably can’t afford a week off. So what I mean is, finding the time to pamper yourselves. It may be in the form of going to that movie you’ve been dying to see. Or writing that next chapter in the novel you’ve been putting off. Or getting your nails done. Or finish reading that book. Do something for yourselves. We live in a world where everyone is on the go all the time. We are picking up kids, working, taking care of others, rushing through meals, missing conversations, worried about bills, about our families, about life. We are doing all these things and missing out on the fact that we are losing ourselves in the process. Maybe you will only take half an our a day to do something for you. But take that time off! Recharge your batteries. You will be no use to anyone if you are one burnt out panda.

So take this week to rekindle your passions. Go for long walks, go to a concert, sing in the shower really loud or create an evening without technology. Whatever you decided to do this week, do it knowing that you will be happier at the end of it.

Go forth my pandas, and get to your most beloved treasure…. YOU!

❤ ❤ ❤

 

Why Saying Nothing Is Sometimes The Better Option…

Learn not to say too much

I started this post back in October, which was originally going to be about something completely different but certain things have changed my mind and now I need to get it out before I lose my marbles.

Throughout the years I have dwindled the amount of information I tell people. As a result, close friends and acquaintances are left trying to figure out the pieces of who I am. My close friends think they know, but in reality they don’t. I could literally be having a double life and they wouldn’t have a clue. Acquaintances, assume and judge upon the picture that I have unveiled before them.  I don’t share things any more. Partly because people don’t ask and mostly because not a single one of them truly care. I don’t know if it’s the people around me or just people in general. I don’t know if the world that I created is tarnished or the rest of the world is broken. Hidden in a maze of omittance I have found serenity. And even though it’s a lonely place, it’s a happy one where I don’t have to argue, complain or gossip about a life that others will look down upon.

Sometimes I wish I could say what’s what. Looking upon the chosen vessels who have kindly taken me in, either because of pity or love. But then I realise that my woes will not be well received or understood. So I omit. It’s what I do to keep going. It’s how I’ve lasted this long.

I wish I could tell certain things. Like how I truly feel about myself. That sometimes I look in the mirror and feel like I’m not an adequate human being. That my flaws have harmed my view of myself, partly due to society. Sometimes I would like to say to my friend, stop controlling every situation. Stop getting jealous and trust in me like I have trusted in you. I wish I could say that I used to harm myself. That life was just too miserable to carry on. Or that I drink more than I should to drown out the voice in my head. Why couldn’t I say that there is a legitimate reason as to why I have stepped away from certain people. The real reason. When I tell them that I like my solitude, it’s a partial truth. But the full story is drenched with things too deep to utter. Sometimes I would like to say that I’m hurting, or that I’m scared, or cry at sappy movies. But I don’t. I show a fierce stance of strength at all times. Why was it so hard to utter words to a loved one. It barely scratched the surface of how I truly felt. Why didn’t I just say the full truth? Why can’t I tell people that my origins are not what they thought they were? And why can’t I say to people you can trust me. I am your friend. I have supported you and understood where you’re coming from. So there’s no need to doubt my intentions with your significant other or a family member.

The reason I don’t say any one of these things is because sometimes it’s best not saying anything at all. To the friend that I’ve known for years, they should automatically know that I am a genuine trustworthy spirit. To the ones that have hurt me; they should know without a shadow of a doubt the root of my sorrow. To the family members who think I am not worth mentioning; they should know that there is always more than meets the eye. And to the acquaintances; they should know that one should never judge a book by its cover.

I say nothing because I don’t want to hurt that friend. I don’t want to dishonour my family and my momma always taught me well with how manners should be handed out. Therefore never offending even those that don’t truly know you.

Sometimes, silence is the best medicine. Sometimes, people aren’t supposed to know your inner workings. That explanations are tedious and wasters of time. Things, precious, though dark they may be, need to be left in the crevices of your subconscious. Because human beings, at the best of times, can’t handle the truth. And furthermore don’t know how to respond to what’s actually the cause of your abyss. I say nothing because I am a strong individual who has conquered life on her own terms. And even though at times, it may be a lonely existence, I know that I can get by on my own and still be utterly happy.

It’s hard to confront a friend who can’t see their wrongs. It’s hard to sit by and watch in silence. Yet silence is necessary and support is key. I wish I could say the same about the people that I know in my life. I have slowly whittled away friends because talking about things will not change their outlook on issues. I have stopped opening up because I don’t want to be that lost cause. Because that would mean that they have seen my deepest and darkest flaws, for which I am not prepared to delve into with them. Simply because they would not be able to understand.

I have become this way because of a lot of reason but one that sticks out is the time that I once told a very close friend of mine the deepest secret and she in turn told another and that other went and told more people until everyone at my school found out. It was a hurtful time in my life. It’s something that I am still not over. And I have yet to forgive those who were responsible. Of course they don’t know that that is the reason why I have kept my distance.

I am not saying that my way is the right way. It’s not. It’s not good to completely isolate yourself. But omitting certain things has helped me cope with the fact that I can keep a part of me all to myself. A sacred part that will not be tarnished and warn down. And it’s a comfort knowing that. It’s like when someone says they are in despair yet they have their dreams, hopes and imagination to get them through things. People can not take those things away from you. Simply because it resides within you.

I don’t want people to know everything there is to know about me. It’s not even a case of being scared that they will use that knowledge to cause havoc. It’s simply because some things need to be left a mystery. I have seen hurt and heartache and if it’s my choice to not experience those things again by omitting some facts then that’s my choice at the end of the day. Don’t let someone define you for the things that you’ve entrusted in them. I have learned the hard way that the trust that you’ve bestowed upon another might well and truly come and bite you in the ass.

So it’s okay not to tell your full story. In time I might end up peeling another layer off of my onion. But if I don’t want to give 100% then I don’t have to. And neither do you. If you feel like a friend is not truly there for you then don’t give information willingly. It’s okay not to tell the guy your crushing on everything about you. If they are truly invested and want to get to know you, then they will stick around to help peel away another layer at a time.

All I know is, my silence has helped me heal my wounds and in time I might slowly (very slowly) open up again. But if I want to act like a turtle right about now, I have all the right in the world to do so. And no friend, family member, acquaintance or even the distant of colleagues is going to get me to tell them something and not have it be a two way street.

❤ ❤ ❤

unnamed

 

 

Why It’s Okay to Indulge in Scrumptious Food…

foodie, foodporn, food quotes, lifestyle, food, yumminess, julia childs

I was going to do a weekend photo Journal post but then I made some brownies and  I thought to myself, man, food makes you feel all kinds of awesome. So… why not write about it.

We are in the age of constantly watching what you eat. Diet and exercise, exercise and smoothies, smoothies and juicing, juicing and lots of water. It stems from trying to attain the best body out there in order to compete with the beautiful people over in La La Land. They grace our magazine covers, have been objectified in a sexy movie sequence and have even showed their healthy lifestyle through their social media page. Just once I would love to see the likes of Jennifer Lopez sharing an Instagram photo of her scarfing her face with a big stuff crust pizza as she cries about the man who has messed with her emotions. Just to be clear, she can do no wrong in my eyes, however it would be nice to know that us mere mortals are not alone. I mean who hasn’t been there with a big ol’ pizza all to yourself?! We are human after all, with a whole range of emotions. Yet our social media feeds show only happy occasions filled with lots of exercise and healthy eating. Sometimes, it would be nice to know that the celebrities we look up to, fly off the rails from time to time.

Food, great food, is everything at times. It gives you comfort in times of sorrow. It gives you joy when you are surrounded by your friends and family. It brings people together when they are on dates. It helps you out when life throws a curve ball. I mean, there is a reason why soul food is call SOUL food peeps. It truly does feed your soul. It’s almost as good as sex. I said almost okay?! Nothing beats orgasms. Can I get an amen to that!

So why are we such control freaks all the time on how we deal with food? I know that eating healthy is extremely important to sustaining a long and ailment-free life. But, being a control freak all the time is just down right wrong. We should be enjoying life. You already control your work, school, dates, married life, children, single life, how much you drink, how much you spend and so on. Why can’t you just eat what you want and compensate by exercising more?

I’ve tried to restrict myself when it comes to food. And for a time I was very successful at it. But, that was at a time where it was my sole focus. At that time, food was the only thing that I could control. So I put 300% into it. But now that I’m living in London, with a full time job, and all the stresses that I’ve been faced with lately, sometimes I just want to come home and bake a batch of brownies. In fact, I’ve found that there’s something so therapeutic about baking. It’s like all the stresses in the world simply melt away as you concentrate on the ingredients of the masterpiece that you are about to create. It’s soothing, cathartic and once done, sends a whole bunch of happy, feel-good hormones gushing throughout your system.

So… here’s to loving food. Obviously everything in moderation. I’m struggling with the moderation bit. However don’t deny yourself for months at a time. You will be one miserable person to yourself and the people closest to you. Go on, you deserve a little yumminess in your life. And furthermore, stop beating yourself up for not looking like those celebrities. They have a whole team and a crap shoot of money behind how they look. All you need to know is that you are an awesome individual who knows that having a little [insert scrumptious food preference here] is you enjoying life. Personally, I don’t know what could be better than eating the fattest juiciest Greek food while laughing with the people who are dearest to me.

Peace, Love and Enjoy Food

Here’s some Food quotes to make you go… YES! ❤