No… Just to be clear, I wasn’t starting out in an overweight fetish industry. Nor was I trying to seduce a potential suitor. I am not interested in men for the foreseeable future and I’m not in the right country for people to appreciate a good curvy, round, plumpy woman. Unfortunately, I took photos of myself in my underwear because some loser decided that you have to possess “before” images in order for you to commit to a healthy fitness lifestyle. A lifestyle that you’ve been dreading to start for the last 4 weeks. Boy, I sure would like to meet the moron who came up with this idea.
Can I just say stripping down to barely nothing was a torturous affair. I mean to be completely honest, I never see myself nake. No it’s true! I hate the way I look. Nor do I weigh myself for that matter anymore. I shunned these acts. Defied even the thought of them. However, I do think it’s mainly because I become slightly obsessive with these things. If I weighed myself, I would probably end up doing it every morning. Which I’ve done in the past and let me just say that it was definitely not healthy for me, mentally. But despite all that, recently, I have acknowledged that something’s got to give. I need to start making life-changing decisions that will benefit me in the future. Plus I’m tired of people looking at me in a certain way. You know half pitying, half ‘awww she would be so pretty if she lost weight’. I’ve even had a man say that he wouldn’t be with me because of my weight. Which of course added to my insecurities. I almost melted into a black hole that day. However, let’s be clear of one thing. I do NOT want to change because others say so. I want to change because it will better my life. I already feel tired all the time. Walking up stairs is a pain in my ass, and I officially can’t see my hooo-ha anymore. Yeah I said it! Anyway, my goal is to be a sexy, curvy, healthy woman. I am not losing weight to be a skinny stick with no ass. Curves in all the right places for me please.
I’m already 32 by the way. Fuck knows where the years have gone. I swear it was just yesterday that I remembered being 30kg lighter and still complaining that I was too fat. First world problems, I know. Simply ridiculous. But now I have a serious problem and this dump truck of a body must be eliminated from my frame.
Let me tell ya something my precious pandas. If you are not prepared to take photos, or if your brain has concocted an alternate image of yourself in your head, then this will shock you back down to reality. You can sort of cover up, hide, and/or adjust your silhouette under clothes. Especially if it’s winter! But there’s nowhere your fat can go once the absence of material has been lifted. It’s slightly soul crushing to say the least. And just when you’ve sort of come to terms with how you look like from the front and side, you turn around (back facing the mirror) and that’s when you lose all hope. Obviously you check your reflection from time to time to see how your outfits look, therefore you know generally what to expect once the clothes come off. But the back of you? Umm….No. That was the harshest of realities that I had to face. The ripples of my cheeks melting into the back of my thighs was a cruel punishment to bear witness to. I really couldn’t help thinking that I resembled….
Looking at Mr. Marshmallow man (from Ghostbuster) felt like I was seeing my reflection for real. Or at least that’s what I felt like at the time. Gosh, it’s so easy to put yourself down isn’t it? When I looked back at the photos that I took that day, my soul sank. My motivation sank. The wall that I had to climb got bigger because now I saw all the damage that I did to my body. I saw every flaw, fat and lump that needed to be worked upon. So I suppose, excluding the initial reaction, it was a good motivational kick up my ass. I now look at those pictures and then look at photos of myself at a much thinner size. It not only makes me realise how much I’ve gained but pumps me up to lose it all again. Every day I look at my ripply backside and reassure myself that I will never be like this again. That I will work my heart and soul to the point of exhaustion, in order for me to become healthy again.
All in all, if you guys are trying to lose weight and are brave enough to take a photo of yourselves just as you start on your journey, it most definitely will give you the push that you’re looking for. But brace yourselves, there is a reason why all those ‘before’ photos show nothing but miserable faces. My face was on the verge of tears. But after my meltdown, you know what I did? I brushed my saddened thoughts to one side and realised that this is the start of something great. That all I had to do to cheer myself up was to envision my ‘after’ photo with a huge smile on my face.
We all need motivation to start on a difficult adventure. But I really can’t wait for that accomplished feeling at the end of it all. So pandas, go on and take those ‘before’ photos. After the initial heart-attack to the image, you will receive a defibrillator to the chest in motivation. And remember, bettering yourself is a process. We will fail, learn lessons, succeed, fail again, cry, and succeed again. Just keep at it and know that it will take a whole lot of patience and a truck load of dedication.
❤ ❤ ❤