Pandas, I am officially back. Well, to be honest I came back late last Thursday night but I was not mentally prepared to start my brain until today. Yes, it took me a week. I have been a walking blob ever since I arrived in London. For those of you who don’t know where I went, it was to Cyprus, which is in the Mediterranean. My parents and other family members (from my dad’s side) live there. This was the first time in years that I decided to spend Christmas over there. To be completely honest, I have not been a fan of that country for a while now. And that was mainly because it held a very important reminder for me every time I stepped my pudgy foot back on its soil. A painful reminder of unrequited love. Or more to the point, a fake love that left me barren of any kind of emotions whatsoever. He stole them from me. Like a thief of an elaborate and unexplainable heist. Broken and tarnished, I left my country. I left because my greatest drive was to move back to London. If I didn’t have that ambition then I know I definitely would not have been here right now talking to you guys.
When I think about my love life from the past (almost) 4 years since I’ve left Cyprus, it has been quite a nonexistent affair. Penises have come and gone. Yet feelings haven’t been exchanged, nor did the stirring of emotions commence. For a while I didn’t question it. I puttered along without a care. But then I started to wonder if he who must not be named, broke me for good. I never felt anything. I would tell the one friend who actually cared to listen that something must have died. That my va-jay-jay closed up shop to reevaluate the meaning of her existence. Because let’s face it, she was not fulfilling some of her job requirements. There was simply no use for her. I was convinced that she had shrivelled up and died along with my heart. To the rest, I would of course pretend that all was fine. Only adding that I didn’t want anyone in my life. That I was happy being the hermit that I am. Which was partly true.
So after all this time had passed I just assumed that my notion of being a miserable, cold-hearted, no-feeling, unemotional, crude, lonely bitch was true and that there was no cure. Not even maybe a reversal process that I could try out. So with that, I left for Cyprus thinking that this was how I was going to see in the new year. A controlled ball of chaos.
As I stepped off the plane into the country of my high school days, something felt different. I didn’t feel dread this time round. On previous occasions I would get nervous that I would bump into people. The kind of people who talk and gossip. But this time I felt more at peace. Maybe I was just happy leaving London for a bit, who knew.
I met up with one of my besties who would take me out to great restaurants, coffee places where we would talk about life, giggle and enjoy each others company. I started to relax more. I remembered what it felt like to have friends around. I began to feel at ease. So when she decided for me that I would come to her house gathering I said of course without getting stressed about how I looked. And on that night, because my guard was down and I was laughing and having a good time, I happened to meet someone and we ended up kissing. It was the first time in many years where the act of kissing felt normal. It felt like this person meant it. It wasn’t a fleeting moment in the hopes that his attempts would advance into my panties. It was a shared intimate moment between two unknown souls. In that moment I felt wanted, not invisible and pretty. I didn’t worry about how I looked, or my flaws or any other insecurities that I might have. I was present in that moment and that moment alone.
In what felt like an alternate universe, something stirred within me. For the first time in a long time, my insides started to unthaw and that’s when I realised that I wasn’t such a lost cause anymore. There was still life in me yet. Most likely nothing will come out of that shared moment. But I am thankful that someone revived me even if only for a short while. It was definitely nice to remember what a genuinely sincere stolen moment felt like. I don’t expect miracles after that one encounter but for a person who has been convinced that she was broken it was a nice change of pace.
As the night came to an end, we went our separate ways but not before one final connection. And with that we got into our cars and drove off.
❤ ❤ ❤