This realisation was a pretty painful one to admit to after sitting and contemplating it for a while. Reason being, I like being on my own. I like not having to answer to anyone, I like sleeping in the middle of my double-size bed and #sorryNotsorry, but I like not sharing. In fact, I like relying only on myself. And to top things off, you might gasp but, I actually really love being alone all the time. So when this bastard of a flu came around one day, I found myself hallucinating about soup being brought to me on a cloud of kisses, amongst other things. And that’s when it hit me, in between shivering and throwing up, I missed the comfort one brings when they take care of you. The strength that they pass on and the love that oozes out from their pores is a wondrous blanket that engulfs you. You feel safe… secure in a little cocoon.
As I struggled to get myself dressed so I could get some flu supplies (food, water, Vicks, a gun) I actually cursed my life at that moment. Muffled swears and moans were the only things that soothed me. Why couldn’t I have found someone who would do these things for me? Go out to the store, put on my favourite movie, say they love me? Instead, I had these two assholes for company and cuddles.
Would ya look at them! These two were it for me. Ping Pong and Pooh Face. My sidekicks who were only able to sit, stare and look cute. They were not able to make me soup, or make my laugh, or buy more tissues, or hug me back, or say that I’m going to be ok. Nope, instead, as I grabbed at the last of my attire, a scarf, they sat, motionless. Probably having naughty thoughts of the Care Bears. I wanted to cause bodily harm to them. I know that’s a bit much. I would never do it, I just thought it. I thought maybe I should just perch them on my balcony and let the wind blow them down three stories. I was in a dark place pandas…
As I closed the door and schlepped out in the windy rain I cursed my predicament. I cursed the fact that I was alone. It’s sad how one flu can render your beliefs moot. In one day, I had thrown away my stance on solitude, on strength and on independence. This virus had polluted not just my blood cells but also my mind. And as I finally made my way to the grocery store I was in such a state of misery that I hoped the gods would be kind to me and let me croak out on the cold drab floor, in between my favourite aisle, the alcohol one. I thought that if I were face up then my last glance would be to a bottle of a full bodied red. In all honesty, it wasn’t such a bad way to go. It sure beats out drowning. Unless I was drowning in red wine. Yeah, red wine. Mmmm….
Anyway, my self-pity wasn’t doing me any favours but I couldn’t snap out of it. As I picked out what items I desperately needed, I also made a list of things that I have missed by not being in a relationship.
- Having a snuggle partner
- Being comfortable enough to expel some fluids while my hair is pulled out of the way.
- Having someone remember my pills for me.
- Making soup and feeding it to me, airplane style. (oh ok, I don’t need someone to feed me)
- Drawing a bath
- Reading to me
- Conversations to distract me
- Watching a movie while my feet are being rubbed
- Saying I’m beautiful even when clearly, at this moment, I’m not
- Remembering my favourite candy and surprising me with it to cheer me up
- Remembering that I hate chunky slimey tomatoes and picks them out of my food
- Playing Etta James for me
- Sending a cute text or email to check up on me
- Any check up scenario really, even just to see how my day has gone
- Sharing your dreams
- Sharing you deepest thoughts
- Bonding over a great bottle of red wine
- Laughing with someone – the kind of laughter that makes you think you’re about to pass out because you’re taking in too much oxygen
- Knowing that we are a team and that if one of us is down, then the other will be there to pick up the slack
- Being loved
As I scanned the cheese aisle for my feta cheese I realised that what I was missing was number 21….being loved…and not by my parents. I was missing, in that vulnerable state, the act of a person who loved me. Someone who would look at this sickly, no makeup hag and say, ‘man I really lucked out’. Someone to say that they loved me even in the state that I was in. It’s funny how a little flu can make you feel sorry for your current state of affairs. It’s even more hilarious that just 48 hours prior I was spouting out a blog post centred around the theme of “Loving Yourself”. And I was going on and on about being strong and knowing your self worth and how I truly loved me, even more so now that I’m single. It’s laughable, I know. However, in my defence it was a really bad flu. I think I might have been having bouts of hallucinations as well. No seriously. (ok no.. not so seriously).
I thought I could try and snap out of it by knocking myself out with a feta cheese. But as I raised the goats’ product in my hand, I realised that it would have been a waste. So, I paid for my items and walked the lonely walk home. Rain in my face, unable to hold the umbrella because I did not have three hands and coughing all the way around the corner and down my street.
FYI: I am writing this about five days after my flu died down. I needed to be a sane human being after all. If I had wrote this post on the day I went to the grocery store then, some of you would have been reporting me to the loony bin, in an American Horror Story kind of way. So I waited, calmed myself and now I am reverting to my original mantras. You know the ones where I say that I am not perfect. And there will be days that I will reflect and share things of what I’m going through. It doesn’t make me crazy, it just makes me an imperfect human being. A human being who for three days felt sorry for herself, where the loneliness was excruciatingly palpable. That’s all. I still miss some parts of being in a relationship, just not enough to actually be in one at the moment. Besides I am not ready to share my bed or my food.
❤ ❤ ❤