I started this post back in October, which was originally going to be about something completely different but certain things have changed my mind and now I need to get it out before I lose my marbles.
Throughout the years I have dwindled the amount of information I tell people. As a result, close friends and acquaintances are left trying to figure out the pieces of who I am. My close friends think they know, but in reality they don’t. I could literally be having a double life and they wouldn’t have a clue. Acquaintances, assume and judge upon the picture that I have unveiled before them. I don’t share things any more. Partly because people don’t ask and mostly because not a single one of them truly care. I don’t know if it’s the people around me or just people in general. I don’t know if the world that I created is tarnished or the rest of the world is broken. Hidden in a maze of omittance I have found serenity. And even though it’s a lonely place, it’s a happy one where I don’t have to argue, complain or gossip about a life that others will look down upon.
Sometimes I wish I could say what’s what. Looking upon the chosen vessels who have kindly taken me in, either because of pity or love. But then I realise that my woes will not be well received or understood. So I omit. It’s what I do to keep going. It’s how I’ve lasted this long.
I wish I could tell certain things. Like how I truly feel about myself. That sometimes I look in the mirror and feel like I’m not an adequate human being. That my flaws have harmed my view of myself, partly due to society. Sometimes I would like to say to my friend, stop controlling every situation. Stop getting jealous and trust in me like I have trusted in you. I wish I could say that I used to harm myself. That life was just too miserable to carry on. Or that I drink more than I should to drown out the voice in my head. Why couldn’t I say that there is a legitimate reason as to why I have stepped away from certain people. The real reason. When I tell them that I like my solitude, it’s a partial truth. But the full story is drenched with things too deep to utter. Sometimes I would like to say that I’m hurting, or that I’m scared, or cry at sappy movies. But I don’t. I show a fierce stance of strength at all times. Why was it so hard to utter words to a loved one. It barely scratched the surface of how I truly felt. Why didn’t I just say the full truth? Why can’t I tell people that my origins are not what they thought they were? And why can’t I say to people you can trust me. I am your friend. I have supported you and understood where you’re coming from. So there’s no need to doubt my intentions with your significant other or a family member.
The reason I don’t say any one of these things is because sometimes it’s best not saying anything at all. To the friend that I’ve known for years, they should automatically know that I am a genuine trustworthy spirit. To the ones that have hurt me; they should know without a shadow of a doubt the root of my sorrow. To the family members who think I am not worth mentioning; they should know that there is always more than meets the eye. And to the acquaintances; they should know that one should never judge a book by its cover.
I say nothing because I don’t want to hurt that friend. I don’t want to dishonour my family and my momma always taught me well with how manners should be handed out. Therefore never offending even those that don’t truly know you.
Sometimes, silence is the best medicine. Sometimes, people aren’t supposed to know your inner workings. That explanations are tedious and wasters of time. Things, precious, though dark they may be, need to be left in the crevices of your subconscious. Because human beings, at the best of times, can’t handle the truth. And furthermore don’t know how to respond to what’s actually the cause of your abyss. I say nothing because I am a strong individual who has conquered life on her own terms. And even though at times, it may be a lonely existence, I know that I can get by on my own and still be utterly happy.
It’s hard to confront a friend who can’t see their wrongs. It’s hard to sit by and watch in silence. Yet silence is necessary and support is key. I wish I could say the same about the people that I know in my life. I have slowly whittled away friends because talking about things will not change their outlook on issues. I have stopped opening up because I don’t want to be that lost cause. Because that would mean that they have seen my deepest and darkest flaws, for which I am not prepared to delve into with them. Simply because they would not be able to understand.
I have become this way because of a lot of reason but one that sticks out is the time that I once told a very close friend of mine the deepest secret and she in turn told another and that other went and told more people until everyone at my school found out. It was a hurtful time in my life. It’s something that I am still not over. And I have yet to forgive those who were responsible. Of course they don’t know that that is the reason why I have kept my distance.
I am not saying that my way is the right way. It’s not. It’s not good to completely isolate yourself. But omitting certain things has helped me cope with the fact that I can keep a part of me all to myself. A sacred part that will not be tarnished and warn down. And it’s a comfort knowing that. It’s like when someone says they are in despair yet they have their dreams, hopes and imagination to get them through things. People can not take those things away from you. Simply because it resides within you.
I don’t want people to know everything there is to know about me. It’s not even a case of being scared that they will use that knowledge to cause havoc. It’s simply because some things need to be left a mystery. I have seen hurt and heartache and if it’s my choice to not experience those things again by omitting some facts then that’s my choice at the end of the day. Don’t let someone define you for the things that you’ve entrusted in them. I have learned the hard way that the trust that you’ve bestowed upon another might well and truly come and bite you in the ass.
So it’s okay not to tell your full story. In time I might end up peeling another layer off of my onion. But if I don’t want to give 100% then I don’t have to. And neither do you. If you feel like a friend is not truly there for you then don’t give information willingly. It’s okay not to tell the guy your crushing on everything about you. If they are truly invested and want to get to know you, then they will stick around to help peel away another layer at a time.
All I know is, my silence has helped me heal my wounds and in time I might slowly (very slowly) open up again. But if I want to act like a turtle right about now, I have all the right in the world to do so. And no friend, family member, acquaintance or even the distant of colleagues is going to get me to tell them something and not have it be a two way street.
❤ ❤ ❤