The other day one of my closest friends asked me if I was happy. It wasn’t a general question on wether or not life might be making me happy. It was in reference to wether or not I was happy being single.
At the time she was feeling really down. Some things weren’t going her way. But the one thing that was making her feel completely out of place was the fact that she was single. You see, she was the type of lady that had to be in a relationship all the time. In fact she was like a Saturday rerun of ‘I love Lucy’, back to back to back to back. With no commercials (i.e. No breaks) . But this was something that I could relate to. I used to be the exact same way. One after another, like I was bingeing on the concept of love. It’s silly really when I look back at the way I used to revere it. A little school girl constantly crushing. However things change. And my change happened when one relationship had knocked the wind out of me, and not in a good way. A piece of my soul turned black, while my heart broke into a billion unglue-able pieces. It was a hard time. A time that my friends didnt really know about. A time where I thought love was a cruel savage beast. After that relationship, something died inside me. And that’s when I decided that it was time to find me. Because I was the idiot present in that situation. Therefore, I let it happen. Meaning, I obviously did not love myself enough.
I did attempt to date after that chaos, but I wasn’t present. I wasn’t excited and the harsh truth was that I really didn’t care. It was the first time in my life that I wasn’t thrilled at the prospect of a new penis near my va-jay-jay. And that’s when I realised I would be a fool if I pushed being in a relationship again. So I decided to be on my own. Here was a girl who loved, love. Who loved intimate conversations, flirting through eye contact, and enjoyed the brushing of skins. The entanglement of flesh. And let’s not forget the little sparks and butterflies. But the more I delved deeper the more I knew that all this would have to be put on hold. Because the simple and sad truth was that I was never ready for relationships. Ever.
This long period of time that I have been single, has made me get to know me better. It has made me realise that I have too many insecurities that I need to conquer. That I don’t really love myself fully. That I have a major fear of rejection. And I finally realised that I was using the affection of men to justify my worthiness. It’s like them being with me validated what a great person I was or something. Yes, I know how could I think like that. Well, it’s simple really. If you don’t feel that you are the best that you can be, you will look for outsiders to give you approval. But how could I really love someone else the way they needed to be loved if I didn’t love myself fully?
It’s so odd that your brain slightly alters realities when another person comes into the picture. It’s funny what you would deem acceptable and allowable. If you love the person you become blind, seeing only that of rosy gushy shades of love. And if you are in an unhealthy relationship then you will suffer even more wreckage. Because what most women fail to realise is that the majority of them feel like they aren’t a complete human being without a partner by their side. I know a lot of friends who have been and still are in long relationships and can’t see that they need to fix themselves. Because those insecurities have been weighing heavily on your relationship. If not fixed, it will inevitably break. Here’s some food for thought…How does one play beautiful harmonies on a keyless brokendown piano? One cannot.
All I can say to my friends, old and new, who are constantly back to back in relationships… just stop and take a breather. Play the field a bit. Stay single. Live life on your own terms. Get to know yourself better. Reflect on why your past relationships didn’t work out. Try and work out why you keep getting attracted to idiots. Binge eat and stay in your pj’s on Saturday (or Sunday) all day long! Don’t shave your legs for a while. Walk around town by yourself. Go watch a movie by yourself! Write your thoughts down in a journal and really analyse why you do the things you do. For the love of god, stop needing to be with a man. Guurrrrl….. you are missing the world.
So when my friend asked me the simple happiness question, it took me a second, but my overall answer is, HELL YES I’M HAPPY. Sure, there are times where you slightly miss the warmth of someone next to you, but to be honest I’m glad I had this time off. I needed to get myself right, you know what I mean? I still have some ways to go, but man do I feel lighter for it. No drama, no fights, no snide remarks, no worrying about cheating, no suffocation, no nothing. I now know what makes me, me. And I figured all that out by staying single. Trust me, try it out sometime. It’s not scary, I promise.
❤ ❤ ❤