I’ve been meaning to write this post since last Thursday, when I came to work hungover, but since I was feeling like one of The Walking Dead Zombies, I didn’t have much brain power. And if I’m being completely honest, I’ve been drinking since last Wednesday, which is why I haven’t written anything new lately…oops! Anyway, today is a brand new day; plus I’m ready, sober and willing.
I sometimes have a tendency to drink like a sailor on shore leave. In fact I have gotten myself into pretty stupid predicaments. I’m painting myself to be so great aren’t I? Well I’ll have you know that sometimes I won’t touch alcohol for weeks. And then one night, out of the blue I will go to town. Annihilation-style. For example, picking up some guy off the street and allowing him to assist me home was pretty bad. My room mate at the time was NOT, I repeat NOT impressed with me that evening. And of course there was the time that I exchanged numbers with my friend’s dad. Yes. I did that while I was intoxicated. But I sorted out that mess the next day. Listen, I am not ashamed. Sometimes shit happens, and sometimes all you need is a little survival guide in how to handle certain situations the day after the explosion hits. Or learn how to avoid them all together! So here we go…
That Time You Drank Wine, Tequila, Gin, Whiskey and Rum all in One Night…
Never, I repeat NEVER mix your drinks. Even the Russians and the Irish only stick to one type of spirit. So what makes you think that you will beat a Russian and an Irishman? You will not. By the way, I’ve been to Ireland and they drunk me under the table. It was a month of forgotten, foggy and foolish memories. Ahhh, good times. Anyway, If you are starting with wine, you better be drinking the same one throughout the evening. Don’t try to set a record. You will fail.
That Time You Gave Someone Your Correct Phone Number When You Really Wanted To Give A Fake One…
We’ve all been there. You know when a guy really is trying and you feel bad saying no so you attempt to give him a fake phone number. Now, these aren’t the days of screening phone calls. For all you kiddies out there, before caller ID, we used to let phone calls go straight to voice mail so we could know who’s calling. It was the time when, gasp, people called your house phone. That was known as screening. I know, how archaic. Anyway, these are the days of fast, on the spot connecting and not just through your cell phone. So if you don’t like a guy yet feel the need to lead him on, chances are you will have to get rid of him on your social media accounts as well. And for the love of God don’t pretend to give him a fake number. He will ring it while he’s with you, and, he will want to see your phone screen light up as a confirmation. So just be honest. I promise it’s a lot easier and a lot less stressful.
That Time You Went Swimming In A Fountain, losing your pants and Your Bag With your Friend’s Car Keys In It…
I kid you not, this happened to a friend of mine when I was living in Cyprus. At the time I was not impressed because I had to chauffeur everyone back home. Looking back on it now, it’s one of those stories that you just have to tell because it was so awesomely messy. People, if you know someone who has vodka instead of blood roaming around in their veins, do not give them your most prized possessions. You will be calling a friend to pick you up. Instead, avoid this person at all costs. You will have a carefree/drama free night.
That Time You Made Out with Some Randomers…
Here’s the thing guys, I am not opposed to a haughty intertwined meshing of the bodies. Sometimes one needs to be breathed upon. You know, to feel like you aren’t the ugly duckling who never really turned into the beautiful swan. It’s a nice feeling to be wanted. However, chances are you or your friends will be taking selfies of your shenanigans and you do not want to be the butt of any jokes. If you are seeing the world through jack Daniels’ glasses do not make out with anyone. In fact, don’t even look at the opposite sex, or whatever sex is your preference! Just dance for goodness sake.
And just in case you are still unsure, remember to always come prepared for everything. Here are some things you need with you on a night out…
- Tissues – This is a must.
- Eye drops – Your eyeballs will not only be dry but they will be seeing double
- A blow-up pillow – It will be a wondrous gift when you are face down on some side walk somewhere
- A blanket- For those urges of wanting to sleep. Now you can!
- Flats – Because not even supermodels can endure heels for 7 hours straight!
- Band aids – Those heels will ruin your feet
- toothbrush- You never know okay
- hair bands- you will throw up
- Bobby Pins – I once saved one of my sandals after it snapped with 2 bobby pins. Yeah, I know, McGyver ain’t got shit on me.
- Mints – This is surely self explanatory.
- More water
- Even more water!
- I mean seriously, you can’t have enough WATER
- Oh and lastly always have a bottle of WATER
I’m not so bad nowadays. It’s only on rare occasions that I go completely overboard. However everything goes out the window when my favourite friend of all time, Tequila comes to town, because…
And when that happens… all bets are off.
Peace, Love and Drink Responsibly
(Not all alcohol stories end well, so be safe)