Today I want to discuss pet peeves. Don’t you dare say, you don’t have any. What are you perfect and you love everything about everyone? No, I’m afraid that’s impossible. No one is perfect and furthermore no one loves everything about everyone. People get on each other’s nerves. That’s life. I will however, give you the joy of knowing that you might be close to perfection. But nonetheless, no matter how close you might be, chances are, you do something that annoys the living hell out of somebody else. There’s no avoiding it. So let’s just face the universal fact that not everyone is going to like every single thing that you do. Sorry pandas, but the sooner you let go and accept this, the sooner you will be able to tolerate it more.
So here it goes, the 15 worst offenders… profanity will be in abundance; for obvious reasons. So forgive me from now.
- People who don’t say excuse me
Who in the hell do these people think they are? You know when you are walking and someone collides into you; No excuse me. How about when someone cuts you in line; No excuse me. When you are about to go on the tube (subway) and they jump in front of you; no excuse me. Say EXCUSE ME!
- People who only text
This one is a major pet peeve of mine. It annoys the living shit out of me. Quite frankly I hate texting all the time. Did you know that in a 1 minute conversation you could know all the important facts about whatever it is you were discussing with your friend. Instead, I have to endure the curse of waiting, getting antsy, impatient and eventually bordering on becoming a skitzo. I’ll even give you an example… Whatsapp. Everyone and their mom’s are on this thing. We have somewhat reverted back to snail mail with this one. I now have to wait and have 5 day long conversations through text messages. Not to mention, you can see when people have read your message. Why did they invent this? You see everyone’s every fucking move. But do they reply knowing that you can see when they’ve read your message? Nope. Not one fucking peep! And the worst offence has to be when they go into whatsapp and avoid opening your conversation. You’ve all done it at some point in your lives so don’t start looking sheepish now. You hear the sound and you see the name and you’re like, ummmm…. I think I will just reply to them at another time. Well that person now knows you are on whatsapp, waiting for you to read the message and you are completely ignoring them! They know! They know all too well what you are doing! So why don’t you go shit in your hand or something.
- Couples who sit on the same side of the table when no one is opposite them
No, this is not acceptable. Don’t you want to see your partner, face to face? This goes for friends too. If no one is sitting opposite then sit yo ass down! I do not want to crane my neck to the side to look at you speak. You will be interrupting my food guzzling. And if my food intake gets interrupted then this woman (ME, yeah me!) turns into the hulk. You will get scared. You will cry and you will see my particular set of skills to shutting you the fuck down. That’s right, I will turn into Liam Neeson from Taken if I have to.
- People who chew gum or food like a cow
This grates on my Zen-like calmness. If I want to see Bessy the Cow in real life I will go to the rural plains of fucking South Dakota to see one. Why there you ask? Well because it’s the state with more cattle than human beings. True fact. Actually, I might move there. I think I would prefer talking to a cow.
- People who don’t hold their cutlery properly
This one really really bothers me. I don’t even know where it comes from. All I know is that I have had this ever since I was a little kid. None of my friends know this by the way and if some of them hold their utensils in an unsatisfactory manner I don’t say anything. What do you take me for, a tyrant? I don’t want to hurt their feelings so I don’t say anything. Instead, I just slowly die inside. Therefore there should be none of this….
Get it together!
- People who use their phone’s speakers in a public space
Chances are the music that you are listening to is shit. So don’t subject us to a slow and painful death. Be respectful of others or I will start blasting the sound of whale’s giving birth in your face to annoy you.
- People who have their music too loud through their headphones
This is equally just as bad as the previous one. When I am on my commute into work I do not want to listen to hardcore death metal renditions on topics such as”Suicidal Cat” and screams of “Vampires howling to a frog” (that’s the titles I imagine they would listen to. Stereotypical? Yes. Do I care? No.). It’s 8:30 in the morning, I am already wired and contemplating how I can get a mysterious illness so I could get off work for the next week just to recharge my calmness. These people need to be herded into work together.
- People who constantly interrupt you when you try to speak
You know what I do now? I just keep on talking. I talk so loud that they eventually shut up. I talk over what they are saying. It’s actually quite a fun game. You should try it! Why can’t people wait their turn? Noooooo! You are not the ruler of the universe, therefore shut your face if I started the conversation first. You will have your fucking turn! Woooossaaaahhhh! (people at my work do this to me all the time)
- People who play on their phone while you are trying to have a conversation with them
Don’t even get me started on this one. No manners…I bow my head in shame with how the world is turning out.
- Parents who let their kids throw a tantrum on a bus or train
Do you guys understand that we have nowhere to go? We are trapped with you and your kids. Do you know how much their screeching gets amplified in a moving tin can? NO. THIS. IS. NOT. ACCEPTABLE. Collect your kids, go to the nearest exist and get off. Calm them and then get back on. Simple as! Jesus!
- Automated telephone services
Yes ‘blah blah’ company, how did you know that I wanted to talk to a robot for 2 hours on a Saturday morning! For all the technology that we have, how come they haven’t invented a better listening device. Instead I am sitting at my table, trying to get my affairs in order while having a stroke.
- People who act out a scene from a movie or give out too many quotes from said movie
Just Stop it. No one knows what you are referring to and if we do then one fucking reference is enough.
- People who cough on or near you when they are sick
Yes I truly wanted your stench of Eau de germs de puke de snot.
- People who send you a text that is harsh and borderline mean yet end it with an LOL or smiley face to imply that it was a “joke”
No it wasn’t a joke. If you have a problem with me then just say it. Leave out the lol’s, smiley faces and the xxx’s. Be a grown up, put on your big boy panties and tell it to me straight. Leave the ‘shade’ under a tree where it belongs.
- When people turn everything you say into something relating to them and one up-ing you. Friends are not there to compete and be boastful with one another.
No you cannot be the centre of attention. You must let someone tell their story. For example if I talk about toast, don’t then turn around to tell a story about how you had this amazing toast on an African safari. Or the time I bought sneakers which I was really happy about (because I’m broke) and you turn around to tell me how happy you are about your limited addition sneakers which you got 5 pairs of. I’m happy for you. But don’t be boastful. It’s not a pretty look.
And there you have it, my 15 pet peeves.
What are some of your pet peeves?