Pandas! You see this above photo right here? This photo represents my demise as a sane human being. This stupid sign has ruled over me ever since I moved to Muswell Hill. Look at it, standing all high and mighty like a dictator, suppressing my very being with his square demeanour. He’s taunting me as we speak. Actually, he’s practically giving me the middle finger. Every morning me and this dick, square each other down (see what I did there!) for an epic western battle of Clint Eastwood sized proportions. And every evening our battle for middle earth continues without skipping a beat. Quite frankly me and this douche need to sort it out quick because as far as I’m concerned it’s only a matter of time before I really start to lose my marbles. Yeah, contrary to what you might believe as you’re reading this, I am not cuckoo’s nest crazy yet. But I mean the sands of the hour glass are dwindling down to a finite little mound. So I need to sort my shit out fucking ASAP!
Superstitions are a funny thing aren’t they? They consist of many different beliefs all concluding with one single notion; if you do a said superstition then you will have bad luck or never get married or whatever the rule is, from now until the end of time. We learned these superstitions when we were a kid. And kids can get quite melodramatic. They always have the tendency of blowing things way out of proportion, making it sound grander, or scarier than what it actually is. When I was younger I heard all sorts of superstitions. Don’t walk under ladders, don’t let a black cat cross your path, if you find a four leaf clover you will have good luck and of course, let us not forget about the stepping on the cracks for if you do you will break your mother’s back. I mean the superstition list is a lengthy one, filled with ancient phrases that have been past down from generation to generation. For me, certain ones made no sense. Like the stepping on cracks one. How could stepping on a tiny little crack, break my mother’s back? Absurd I tell ya, simply absurd! I was convinced that nothing would happen to my Ma and because I was so sure, I was ready to put my momma’s life in jeopardy just to prove I was right. Thank god I was right because that conversation would have been a tad awkward. ‘Uh, Ma, yeah… So about your back…’.
Despite my defiance with certain superstitions, others have unfortunately stuck around to torment me. And this brings me to that stupid sign in the photo above. I have a thing for not being able to walk under street signs. And if I come face to face with one I have to cross my fingers as I walk under it. Because as we all know, crossing one’s fingers cancels out any bad joo joo’s that would have befallen me had I not crossed them to walk under the sign. Ok maybe now you can paint me as a little cuckoo. Not certifiable, but I’m damn sure on my way! Ah, I can’t help but to chuckle a little. Well, it’s either that or crying.
So now I bring you to my dilemma. Ever since I moved here I take a certain way to walk to the bus stop. I must go this way every day. But on this route I come across my evil nemesis, the sign of Dick. Sure, I could cross the street to avoid him, but I don’t. Because at the end of the day this is my routine. Yes, I know, I think I have a slight OCD problem as well. Don’t even say it. I already know how ridiculous this sounds. And as I confront him my fingers are already crossed so I can then proceed to have a safe passage. I do this every morning without fail.
Logically I know that nothing bad will happen to me. I also know I will not get struck with bad joo joo’s. I know all these things and yet I can’t seem to break the habit. I mean for the love of unicorns and rainbows, this nonsense needs to stop. If I’m like this now, what the hell am I going to be like at 70 years old? Somehow I unfortunately see myself riding the wave straight into a padded sterile room, rocking myself to the sound of my own crazy beat. Oh the joys of having something to look forward to.
Do you guys have any funny superstitions? And if so, what are they and what do you do to ward off the bad joo joo’s?
P.S.- The back of this sign is creepier than the front! So help me, I will conquer this douchebag! You will rue the day that you decided to commence your battle formation with me. You shall fail… fingers crossed.