I think most people who know me probably think that I am a hermit who doesn’t want to do anything any more. They see a changed person. Someone who used to be outgoing, constantly going out and was quite carefree. Nowadays I am a hermit. I don’t go out at all. Well, rarely. But there are reasons behind my actions. To the people who are supportive, they get it. To those who only see what’s on the outside and don’t really bother to get to know, they can fuck off. Yeah it’s that black and white for me nowadays.
Before I felt like I was floating around, not knowing where I was going or what I was going to do in life. Now, I know. It has been a choice to choose a path that’s actually motivated by selfishness. And I don’t feel apologetic for it. I feel like it is something that I have to do, if I want to succeed. So when I say I’m sorry I can’t go out, it’s because I need to save money and sacrifice for the greater good in my life. I see it in people’s faces, that they question my choices. But it’s not their journey, it’s mine and they don’t have to understand what I am doing. Only I need to understand it.
I haven’t changed as a person. I have just realised what I want out of life. And if that means for me to be selfish for the next 2 years then that’s exactly what I am going to have to do. No if’s, and’s or but’s.
What’s wrong with being selfish? Absolutely nothing if it means you are trying to better yourself as a person. For so many years I lived life for others. I have lived in a confined situation. And I was tired of it. So I chose to step away from others. I chose to stop going out and throw money away. I chose to surround myself with people who saw my vision as well as not look down upon me. Throughout the years I did not feel the support of friends. And I thought, why the hell should I continue on in this way. Friends who pretended that life was great to your face, but behind closed doors they were miserable. I was tired of the fakeness. I am the first one to put all my cards on the table. To say my life is quite miserable at times. I will never conform to what’s supposed to be and what should be in life. And so, it was my choice to step away from it.
Turning around and saying I am going to be selfish from now on has changed the way I think about life. It has gotten me more focused on the things that I want. And I am actually putting 100% focus in making those things happen! I chose to not be with a lover/partner. I chose to step away from going out. I chose to be around people who are like-minded and positive. I just don’t have the patience for anything else.
All I can say is, it’s important to put yourself first. So many of us get stuck and can’t escape situations. But I’m here to tell you that you can do it. It will take time and people might not see what you are doing or stick by your side. It will be a struggle. But in the end, it will all be worth it. You can start to build a life that you are proud of and surround yourself with only love and positivity. Negative Nancy’s need not apply here.
So go out and start slow. Don’t feel bad that you are not talking to your friends as much. If they are true friends, then they will understand. Start doing things for yourself. Envision the life that you want and then go out and get it. I can honestly say, that after so many years, I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I am getting so excited!