I know some of you reading this might not live in London or possibly have never even visited it yet. So I will say this; it is most definitely a place you have to visit at least once in your life. The city is a melting pot that’s overflowing with architecture, art, foodporn, multiculturalism and awesomeness. It’s literally like boho, grunge and chicness exploded on top of one another. Is that even a viable combination? Who cares. It really does sum up London. The transportation system alone is the bomb.com. And I have to say, I love living here even if I’m not a native (proud Greek-American). Every day is a new adventure where you will find something new and wondrous about the city. But I gotta talk about a few things, so I can get them off my chest. People of London, you guys need a big ol’ smile stapled to your faces. Especially at rush hour.
Now I know every city is crazy, chaotic and buzzing. That’s part of its beauty. But there is this air in London. Like a stale smell in the air that makes every person’s face have a permanent stank face on it. Damn! What do you guys have to be so miserable about?! I mean I know why I’m miserable. I’m a broke bitch walking, getting paid in peanuts. But I at least try and keep that miserable-ness to one side, preferable deep down in some corner somewhere.
This miserable attitude is at its most potent during rush hour. By the time I step my foot into work I literally want to go on a hitting rampage around the streets of Soho. Screaming, ranting, raving, and hitting people. That would be a sight wouldn’t it! And then when it’s time to go home things get even worse.
Here are a few things you Londoners need to work on…
(side note: Since I’m living in London I am directing this towards Londoners. But I’m assuming this applies in every major city).
1. The people who walk with their phone in their hand while staring at the screen as if it were going to tell them the winning lotto numbers in the Euromillions.
Why do you have to look at your phone while sauntering through the streets? Is it Facebook? Will people die if you don’t look at your news feed or answer your text messages? I don’t understand it. You are not Jack Bauer on a mission trying to defuse a bomb by answering all text messages at lightening speed. The world will continue spinning on its axis and you will carry on living. Shocking, I know.
2. The people who walk at a fast pace and then suddenly stop out of nowhere to check their phone or whatever else has gotten them so perturbed that it results in coming to a complete halt. Do you not understand that we are all ants trying to get to a station! If one falters and stops, the others behind you will falter and stop. Why are you fucking up the motion brah! Just move out the way. If you absolutely have to stop, just stay the pace until you get to the side and then you can do whatever you want.
3. The tourists who walk at a glacial pace. I know I’m not a native, before you chime in. But I adapt to my surroundings. When I go on holidays to other countries you will never see me cracking out a vintage map with my 3 telephoto lenses strapped around me. No! I download offline map apps for my iPhone. I study the streets around me before I go exploring. I am one with the people blending in. Get it together!
4. Those assholes that play chicken with you on the sidewalk. It makes me livid when I then have to do that awkward shuffle where it eventually fucks up. All because they mimic my movement (like my own personal mirror) so we almost collide to within an inch of each other. It’s kinda funny when you think about it. It’s like your brain goes into overdrive and panics ‘Oh my god, oh my god they are walking straight for you. What do I do? I need to move the legs. MOVE THE LEGS! Ah fuck, I got the coordination wrong again. Oh the pressure of controlling a body.’ I now clock my mirror nemesis from a mile away and cross the street.
5. The ones who don’t say sorry after they bump, shove or step on someone. Excuse me, I should have known better and pulled out the red carpet in the presence of royalty. What’s so hard about saying “Oh sorry”? I mean if you say it, will it trigger a cyanide capsule to implode within you? Because if that were the case I would understand. But clearly we are not assassins with cyanide implants in our teeth. We are mere mortals who surely have been taught even the most basic of manners.
Or maybe I forgot to take my invisibility cloak off again…
6. To the men who need to spread their legs so far a part while sitting down. Also known as “Manspreading”. Are your balls really that big? Do you have a condition that needs you to air them out or something? Or are you just trying to show a dominant ‘I am man, see my balls stance’ kind of thing. That’s got to be it right? Well, whatever the case may be just squish your junk together for the duration of the train ride. They will survive, I promise.
Not very attractive looking is it.
7. To the men that need to also adjust their balls. As if sitting spread eagle was bad enough, I am then faced with them scratching the shit out of their manhood.
I once had a man standing right in front of me as I was sitting on the subway, with his junk at face level, poking and prodding his ball area for 5 minutes. It’s disgusting. I think I can safely say that women do not find it appealing. In fact we are mostly thinking that you have some disease going on down there. Just keep your hands off your junk. It will be there for you to scratch in the comfort and privacy of your office, behind your desk or in a closet somewhere.
8. To the people who have a scowl of hatred plaster on their face. Listen, I know life sucks. But you are making everyone else around you just as miserable. You know what brightens up a person’s day? When a stranger smiles at you or pays you a compliment. One time someone smiled at me and my first reaction was ‘Shit, there’s something on my face’. That’s what society has become. No one really goes out of their way to be nice and polite any more. It’s like when you assume men will let you go first. Nope, not happening nowadays. I can’t tell you how many times I have been railroaded off my tracks because some man shoved past me. I get startled when on the rare occasion one actually motions with his hand, smile and all, gesturing for me to go first. My brain becomes flustered and loses coordination again. It’s actually really sad. So if you can’t muster up the strength to do something nice from time to time, just wipe that stank look off your face. It will be a start at least.
It’s bad enough having to schlep every day to and from a crappy job. So people, can you just bear in mind that you are not the only ones in the world who matter. Be considerate! Mind where you walk, stop spreading your legs or invading other peoples space. Say excuse me or sorry from time to time. And for fuck sake, remove that frown from your face. Not only will you be getting older quicker by creating a whole lotta wrinkles but you will look like an unapproachable moody bastard. Come on people! Let’s try to be less miserable.
A girl who still has some hope…