The Weirdest Search Terms That People Use To Stumble Upon My Blog…Part 1- Pandas

Baby panda
One of the great things about WordPress, is that it gives you statistics for your blog site. It really helps seeing what works and what doesn’t, what countries people are from and how many people visit your site a day. It’s a pretty awesome tool to have.As I was looking through all the options one day I noticed a section that was labelled ‘Search Terms’. This was in the very beginning of me starting my blog, where I only had a few blog posts up at the time. Therefore no search entries had been logged. This search section was able to tell me what people had typed into google or any other search engine. It narrowed their exact search terms that they used to eventually stumble upon one of my blog links. Bet you guys didn’t know that. Well, for the freaks of the world, it’s time you get a clue. All your search entries can be potentially recorded and saved. After a while, these search terms began to show up on my stats page and man, there’s some freaky, strange, weird people out there!

When I looked at some of these search terms I was like huh…okay. And then they started to get weirder. I am now starting to worry about my blog name and the safety of Pandas out in the wild. There was a lot of panda porn…seriously. No, I am being dead serious.

I looked at all these search entries and I knew I needed to share some of these with my fellow peeps out there in the world. Firstly because some are funny queries and secondly, you guys just need to read the freaky ones. I mean these panda ones alone are bordering on bestiality. But then I thought, well these poor souls must not be finding the right answers if they are stumbling upon my blog with such search terms. So I kinda felt I had a duty to figure out what they were going on about and then answer these poor people that seemed a little lost in the turbulent seas of Google.

Searches with Panda in it:

  • You porn
    Maybe some pandas made sex tutorials on a website for other pandas because they have been having a hard time conceiving in recent years?
  • porn movie:
    The other pandas loved the sex tutorials and there was a high demand for a Panda porn movie.
  • Panda worse sex than girl:
    One man’s plight against unhappy sex with a Panda? Stating it’s worse than having sex with a girl… hmmm
  • Relationship panda cheating:
    Ping Pong the panda got angry and blasted her Panda husband for cheating?
  • Someone still has to jerk off the panda:
    So I guess Panda males have fallen on hard times…
  • Instagram topless pandas:
    Pandas moved from the website, to the porn movie and now Instagram. Surely this will get them to reproduce more. It’s Panda-monium I tell you!
  • Panda sex video
    The pandas are horny bastards!
  • Panda man
    Pandas are exploring the world of inter-species dating
  • Pic of drunk panda doing a selfie:
    That sex party was crazy man… Poo Poo the Panda had to take an awesome selfie with the hot panda bitches in the background.
  • Facials from a panda:
    After calming down on all their sexcapades, Pandas like to give facials

These bullet points are real search terms that randomers have entered to find out answers to their panda queries. I truly wanted to see the softer side to these questions. That they were harmless. But how can you not take panda sex video seriously. It’s fucking weird. So here are my answers:

To the ‘pand porn sites/ videos’: STOP WATCHING PANDAS HAVING SEX! They are having a hard enough time as it is and they don’t need random freaky freaks out there checking out their panda junk in motion.

To the ‘guy who thinks having sex with pandas is worse’: CONGRATULATIONS. You have figured out that humans should have sex with humans. Well done!

To the ‘jerking off of Pandas’: I feel like this one might be in relation to pandas having a hard time getting pregnant. So maybe they jerk the pandas off? I have no fucking clue. I mean it could be some freak that after everything else wants to complete his disgustingness with jerking off a panda!

To the ‘relationship panda cheating’: If your partner or you have cheated, please don’t find solace with a panda. They are not the answer. Let them eat bamboo and play in the snow.

To the ‘Pic of a drunk panda doing a selfie: Firstly I would love to see this, but I think you got your words wrong again. Just think really hard about what you want to say, sound it out and then start typing slowly.

To the ‘Instagram topless pandas’: Does the chest of a panda do something sexual for you? If so, please seek professional help.

And finally, my favourite search term of them all:
To the ‘Facials from a panda’ one: Honey, their claws will give you the most super charged deep microdermabrasion…. THEY DO NOT GIVE FACIALS!

Now can you please let pandas live a boring life, filled with lots of bamboo and uncoordinated falls and mishaps. Like this:

And for gods sake, stop dressing up as a panda to have sex. I’m really starting to think that there might be deep seeded issues as to why the Chinese have cherished pandas so much. To the point of making them a national treasure. You guys got something to hide about your love of pandas? No… nothing incriminating out there?


Hmmm….. me thinks someone’s got a lot of explaining to do.



3 thoughts on “The Weirdest Search Terms That People Use To Stumble Upon My Blog…Part 1- Pandas

  1. Pingback: The Weirdest Search Terms That People Use To Stumble Upon My Blog – Part 2 – Sex & Love | The Lone Panda

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