Every night as I prepare to fall asleep, I get plagued by the fear that my brain may not switch off. For one reason or another, it seems like I have built up an intolerance to mellowing out over the years. As soon as my head hits the pillow, my brain starts going into over-drive. And so, every night without fail, I become an angry ball of mush who’s brain is being stuffed full of convoluted mind-fuckery.
I would like to state from now that I hate people who can plop their heads onto a pillow and pass out within 5 minutes. Equally I hate those who can fall asleep anywhere. You know those bastards that you see sleeping in a chair with their neck looking all severed and shit. Kill Bill style – neck break. The sheer fact that people can sleep in weird places really gets to me, in a torturous way. Maybe hate is a strong word, but how do you freaks do it? How is it physically possible? Because I cannot recall a time ever in my entire existence, that I magically fell asleep within 10 minutes. For the life of me, it perplexes my soul.
Here is a typical night for me:
After consuming what might be an eternity of shit TV I retire to my bedroom to start the process of trying to fall asleep. First and foremost I check my alarms on my iPhone. I have 5 set. I then realise that I need to go to the bathroom. After finishing I return to my room, closing the door behind me and check my 5 alarms again. Once locking the phone I push the home button so I can see the little image of the alarm clock on the top right corner. As if to reassure myself that it’s ok to put the phone down, the alarms are set. I then jump into bed and snuggle under the covers.
‘God it’s cold under these covers. Maybe I should put my socks back on? No, I’m sure it will heat up. I just have to wait it out. I think I need to check my alarms again. Last time I magically switched them off and I was late to work. I can’t afford to do that tomorrow morning. Yeah maybe I should definitely check my alarms again. Ok alarms look fine. Everything looks fine. Back in bed I go. It’s still freezing under these covers. Oh wait do I need to pee again? Fuck!’ I go pee and return once more.
‘Why the hell is it so cold in here? Stupid landlord and his stingy ways. No fucking double glazing and a draft-y wooden board that covers the hole to the attic. This is a shit apartment and a shit room. I wonder what rooms are like in Argentina. It’s practically summer there right about now. I bet the view in Chile is amazing. I could hop on a plane right now and chill over in Chile, with a bowl of Chilli. Hahaha, that made me chuckle! Why did I find that funny? You are an old fucking granny that’s why! No seriously, I could be over there for like 2 months. Then maybe I could fly to the South Pacific. Oh, ouch, pain in my stomach. Clench for dear life! I don’t think I should have had that pizza today. I look and feel pregnant. This has got to be what it feels like to carry a baby. I heard preggy ladies get gassy. I’m gassy now. How do their partners deal with it? I wish I had a partner right now, that could rub my tummy. No, maybe I would be too gassy? No, no partner right now. Well, maybe for a little hug. A hug would be amazing right now. Like a big chunky hug. Why can’t I find anyone? Surely I’m not that hideous. I ate a whole fucking pizza to myself today. Hideous is an understatement. You are a pregnant lonely fat bitch! No, don’t be negative. You are fine. Everything is fine. Fine, fine, fine. FINE! You are doing your Course to better yourself and get a better job. You will lose weight. Ah fuck exercise. Exercise is hell. I hate exercising. I bought a hula hoop, I haven’t used it. Oh shit and a jump rope. It’s collecting dust. Maybe I will run tomorrow. Yeah I will start tomorrow. Oh who are you kidding. You will come home and sit your fat ass on that couch and watch ‘The Real Housewives of Atlanta’ or ‘Love and Hip Hop’, take a shower and then go to bed. This pillow is bullshit. Memory foam my ass. I need to get a memory foam mattress. Aaahhhh! Shut up!!! Relax, think of fluffy clouds. Envision clouds floating past at a glacial pace. Soothing. Big ol’ fluffy clouds. Care bears were awesome. I had a Care Bear stuffed animal. Where is it? Why can’t we live on clouds like the Care Bears. That would be awesome. I would live in a fluffy cloud castle. With a Care Bear. The one with the picture of a rainbow on his belly. My tummy is still rumbling. Rumble in the jungle like Jackie Chan. Waaaaahh! Jackie Chan! Jackie Chan! Chaka Khan! He needs to do another movie. OH. MY. GOD. They should totally make a Care Bears movie. Oh shit, I need to pee again…’
Come back and start the process all over again…
Don’t worry guys…after all these years, I have found a way to somewhat cure my overactive brain at night. I put a movie on my laptop, low volume, preferably an action/adventure movie, and my brain ceases to exist after that. I guess it’s something about the muffled voices and sounds that does the trick. But I always have to remember to turn it on idle mode so that it hibernates automatically. Otherwise I wake up, after finally getting to bed, from the stupid light coming from the computer screen. And then, the whole process starts again…
Does anyone else have this problem of an overactive brain while trying to get to sleep? I know there are others out there. Come on out and let’s make fun of the situation together!