Snails On Ya Face… Snaa, Snails On Ya Face!

Image taken from

Image taken from

So, who’s up for a little escargot on ya face? And no, that’s not a new euphemism for jizzing on one’s face now. Ha! But it totally could be! OH!! It could also totally be like a fancy diss in a rap song…”Snaa Snails on YO FACE! Cuzz I be escargoting all ovah tha place!” What do ya think? Ok, ok, I’ll get back to the topic at hand.

I read a little while ago about a facial that they were doing in Japan where they were letting snails slither all over people, leaving a trail of snail goo in their wake. Yes, they have harvested some poor ol’ snails, probably from France and instead of leaving them there for their eventual death as a “delicacy”, they are now confronted with a life long sentence of doing hard labour on peoples faces. What a cruel punishment! I somehow feel like dying a quick death is more humane than a life sentence. And just what have the snails of the world done that’s so bad for them now to be colonised into slaves for beauty? Surely if they could talk they would be cursing out that guy who woke up one morning and said “Oh mon dieu, Oui!” (Let’s go with him being French ok!) “I’ve got it. I wheell poot sam snail slime on my face. Oui!”.

The pictures that accompanied the article I was reading did not sway me into liking the treatment any better. In fact, just looking at them made my skin crawl.

I suppose these treatments shouldn’t come as a shock to us any more because they end up getting jumbled up with all the other shit that’s out there. Like the one where some crazy woman puts leeches up her va-jay-jay. Oh the horror! But this one however has gotten traction. So much so that you can now get this treatment done right here in the UK. Isn’t that great! Yippee! (Sarcasm guys…)

I think the Telegraph’s photo of trying the treatment sums up everything.


In my opinion this woman’s reaction is timid compared to the squirming that I would do.

I have read article upon article of people siding with the facial, saying that there are special properties in the snail’s mucus. MUCUS! Yet where are all the scientific studies to back up all these claims? Either way, I can’t bear the thought. But unfortunately I, like many other women out there who are struggling with gravity and getting older, love reading and finding the latest beauty craze. The reason being is that (and I’m slightly embarrassed to say this) it’s so much easier as opposed to, you know, working out and sweating. My justification is that I will be healthy on the inside which is what counts, right? Yeah I’m one of those bitches. The one where finding the quickest road to your destination is king and the other road with all the obstacles and debris is looked over with haste.

When the “experts” said to eat shit loads of goji berries, raspberries and spirulina because of the great benefits they possessed, I ate them by the bucket load. FYI, I just went to Holland & Barrett because they were doing their penny sale, therefore my chance to get two of everything in the store. Recently I read (article here) that Diatomaceous Earth (food grade) is an amazing powder-like substance that does wonders for your body. So naturally I clicked my way on over to Amazon to buy this miracle powder. Two kilos worth I might add. I’m like a cosmetics company’s wet dream of a consumer. I lap all this stuff up in the hopes that I will stumble upon a gold mind, such as the elixir to eternal health, beauty and youth. But alas, that day has not come yet. So my quest continues.

However in regards to this snail facial, I think I may have actually found one thing that I’m not so willing to try. But all is not lost! As I browsed the aisles of my beloved Holland and Barrett store I stumbled across, wait for it… SNAIL PRODUCTS!! Creams and serums galore, all filled with the goodness of snail slim. Now this is something that I am willing to be on board for. Dr. Organic has created a range specifically introducing it’s consumers to the powers of the snail. There’s even a pretty little snail shell on their boxes. How cute. Not really, but at least they sort of tried to make it appealing.

Dr. Organic facial serum

Doesn’t this look better than the previous pictures? Well, I think it does.

However, all this escargot talk did get me thinking in general of our obsession with beauty. None of us want to have faces that are cracked full of wrinkles like the Sahara desert. We all have been conditioned by society, through all the beauty magazines and amazingly airbrushed women in adverts, to feel like if we don’t conform to all these beauty regimes that we’ll eventually become a wrinkly old mess of a hag. And if you don’t look your best, then society will be ever so kind as to let you know just how shit you look. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve picked up a magazine or looked online at all the amazing bathing beauties out there and think, shit, I’m at the lower end of the totem pole in the beauty department. I then torture myself by looking at all my flaws in the mirror which ends with me wanting to shoot myself. It’s horrible.

There is no doubt in my mind that there will be another beauty regime which will be even more repulsive than having snails roaming free on your face. But will there ever come a point in which people will throw in the towel and say “Ok, that one has gone too far”. Or will we be talking about spreading the sperm of beluga whales on our faces 5 years from now because some scientist has done some test proving that whale sperm is the new fountain of youth. If so, then you read it here first folks! Oh no wait, it will definitely be the smearing of sloth shit that will do the trick in making you look as beautiful as Helen of Troy. Where men will then wage wars over your beauty.

Yes me thinks sloth shit serum will be the next big thing.

sloth giphy

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