I tried… I honestly tried. For years I attempted to better myself but I think it’s about time that I just face the facts and say that doing these rigid dieting treatments is not for me. I love food way too much and I definitely don’t mind being the only fatty in the city. Ok, sometimes I do but if it’s at the expense of losing the will to live then forget it. God knows all the health freaks of the world are going to slaughter me but you know what I say to them… I’m not judging your lifestyle choices, so don’t judge mine.
Every new diet that gets traction has been discussed between me and my girlfriends. One says they are on the 5;2 diet and the rest jump on the bandwagon. Another tried that maple syrup detox shit for 14 days and the rest hopped on the express train to slimsville. Do you know the will power that you must have to only drink a diet concoction for 14 days and that’s it. I mean I barely have the will power to get out of the house on the weekends. Most of the time I am one lazy bitch. I have no will power to speak of.
When I start a new diet I go full steam ahead like a trooper. But it takes less than two weeks for my interest to fade and like a person who suffers from ADHD (I am assuming) looks to other shinier things that have piqued my interest. You know, like eating a big ol’ fat burger and some chilli cheese fries.
I am the same with exercising. I do maybe a month straight of pushing myself to my limits. As if I was G.I. Jane training to be in the Navy Seals and Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson were my Sergeant. But like the fatty that I am, I then stop cold turkey. It’s by far my most shitest characteristic.
Dieting is like my arch nemesis. And he is kicking my ass. I can’t even say that thing about ‘You may have won the battle, but not the war’ quote. Because the reality is, if I’m being brutally honest, Mr. Diet has not only won the battle, but all the wars. I have been K’Oed even before getting into the ring when it comes to battling with him. He has broken me mentally, physically and emotionally.
You know what the sad thing is? I buy all the right food. But do I eat it? NO! Instead I look in my pasta cupboard. When I do decide to be healthy it never satisfies me and I end up spending the whole day miserable, as I stroke my tummy to comfort it while saying, ‘I’m so sorry for torturing you in this way.’ I am now coming to the conclusion that I most definitely need a hypnotherapist. Someone to go into my brain and reprogramme the whole damn thing.
So what is a girl to do? I’ll tell you what! She is going to eat whatever the hell she wants to eat and that’s that! Going to a restaurant and ordering some steamed veggies and a salad does not appeal to me. You don’t want to be a savage hangry person when you’re out at a restaurant. No. You want to be the most sociable and content human being walking the face of the earth. And when I eat like a bird on these diets I am literally the hulk, fuelled by the rage of starvation. No seriously guys. I am like the worlds crankiest person when I don’t eat. I start hallucinating and eventually black out due to my rage. Ok, maybe that was a tad too dramatic but I am most certainly, not a happy bunny.
Therefore, I am not going to waste my hours throughout the day counting calories, or measuring grams, or making sure that my food portions are the size of a golf ball on my tiny plate. No. I am just going to eat what I want, when I want and then exercise from time to time. Life is too short to be so regimented like a drill sergeant. Where is the fun in all of that anyway? I don’t want to be over-consumed by weighing myself and dieting until I’m blue in the face. There is always a happy medium for which I am totally willing to explore. As for the crazy diets… I am done.