I read something somewhere (I know great referencing) about a women trying not to lie for 5 days and documenting her accounts of what happened. At first I thought, hmm, doesn’t sound so difficult, why not give it a go. For I am a woman of few lies. I wanted to support this woman’s quest in the “not lying” game, which I decided to do for a day. Here’s the thing guys, I couldn’t even last an hour. Not one fucking hour before I crumbled like a little school girl wanting to be liked by the rest of her class.
The harsh truth is, we lie about everything. Some might be tiny white lies, while others are brazenly bold big fat robust lies. Here I am spouting about how people should be more honest with each other in my posts and I couldn’t even last one hour. Because my fear of hurting one’s feelings outweighed that of being honest.
I don’t think there is a nice way to put things at times. Even if you are asked by a fellow female buddy the dreaded question of “How do I look?” it’s kind of opening up a can of worms. For one, you might hate what she’s wearing. Because let’s face it, people don’t befriend someone by what they wear. Ok some of you shallow assholes out there might. But the general population befriends someone for their personality and if they are a good human being back to you. If they make you laugh you’ve hit the jackpot. So when this friend asks you what you think about a fuzzy purse contraption that she just bought you always seek out the positives. ‘Oh my, that looks quite trendy’ or ‘It suits you perfectly’ or ‘Man, I could never pull it off like you can.’ All these are hiding the underlying truth that it’s one ugly piece of fluffy crap.
I started the day with heading into work and bumping into a girl that works a floor below me. She complimented me on my ring. As she was saying how much she liked it I scanned her appearance to repay the compliment. I had nothing guys, so I said “oh thanks so much, your whole outfit is amazing by the way!” Yes I generalised a fake compliment. Because if someone gives you a compliment it’s always nice to give one in return. It’s proper etiquette 101 guys! I suppose I could have just said thank you and prayed for the elevator to go to her floor faster but then I would have had to deal with the deafening awkward silence and her mentally hating me. So to fill in the longest 10 seconds of my life I said what I said and then added “and your hair is lovely. I wish I could curl my hair like that.” Bam, the doors opened, she fucked off and I went on my merry way. I’m such a people person aren’t I?
So you see, I told a white lie to make someone else feel good about themselves. In that respect, I don’t feel guilty. In fact I felt like I was doing a good deed! Like I was the self-appointed compliment fairy anointed to bring peace, love and happiness to the world. Too much?
Anyway, as I started to realise that this task was going to be an epic fail I decided to give it up all together. Man it’s tough. Who knew! So instead I changed things up. I decided that I was going to keep track of my lies. Like a little mental list of just how many I would do in a day. And guys, I bow my head in shame as I write this, I was like the advocate for all liars. I spewed out little lies here and there like it was the air I breathe.
The partial list is as follows:
- Told my colleague that his shoes were nice (after he asked) When in fact they were not.
- Said the outfit that my friend was wearing was cute (after she asked) In reality, there were too many colours going on, like a big ol’ batch of primary colours threw up on her.
- Said to my Mom that everything was fine (after she asked) When in reality life is treating me a bit shitty.
- Told the guy that I’m having sex with that his dick turns me on every second of everyday. When in reality I don’t really think about it until he messages me. I got shit to do and I’m not a man!
- Also told the same guy that I am happy he is leaving the country and it will be a great experience for him (after having another chat about him leaving) When in reality I’m not happy at all. When he leaves I will be left with a whole bunch of ‘What if’s’ and I hate that with every fibre of my being!
- Told the barista in Costa coffee that my job is great (after she asked what I did and if I liked it) Reality is, I think it sucks balls.
- Told my ex who I’m still friends with that I had been really busy (when he asked why I haven’t been in touch) When in reality I am an absolute hermit who doesn’t want to talk to people.
I know, it’s simply ridiculous. The amount of shit that spewed out of my mouth was the size of what I imagined the Hoover dam could hold. Just to reiterate, the list above was a tiny snippet of what rolled off my tongue with ease.
You know, sometimes I envy those people that are direct. Especially when it comes to the tellings of the heart. I wish I was more forthcoming with the men that I’m with. I wish I could be honest to their faces and say exactly what’s on my mind. But I can’t. I’ve tried and I have been labelled a cold hearted bitch in the past. So now, I lie or maybe omit is a better word. But how is any of this helping me now? It doesn’t.
Like I said I am not so ashamed of the little white lies when telling someone about my job, or if they look nice or an article of clothing is amazing. Why should I be ashamed of that. Everyone deserve to smile and feel good about themselves. But I am ashamed of not being truthful, or more like omitting some facts when it comes to relationships. I wish I could tell the man that has been in and out of my life for the past three years, “What the fuck are we doing?!” or “I don’t want you to go because I want to actually try and do this thing that we have properly”. But alas I was rejected by him once before where upon he announced that “I’m not feeling it” after dating for 6 months and thus I do not want to be rejected again. Because the sad truth is that I would rather take this tiny resemblance of something than nothing at all. Don’t say it. I already feel the shaking of heads in disgust. But I feel like I couldn’t take one more rejection. I just can’t. It would surely send me straight into the looney bin. Either that or I become a nun. And the latter scares me. I don’t want to be celibate damn it! I need someone to breathe on me from time to time.