There comes a time in your sexually adventurous life when you come face to face with adversary and trepidation. It is when the man/woman you’re with asks you something that might make you stop dead in your tracks and go…”You wanna do what now?”
Or worse, they might do it without telling you and you’re left lying there naked and vulnerable, trying to shoo them away nicely while trying to get back to the normalcies of sex. No one wants a surprise while they are naked. And once they spring it on you, the next 45 minutes are of you thinking about how awkward of a situation it was and why couldn’t I get this out of my head.
I used to think of myself as a, ‘try anything once’ kind of gal. I’m most definitely not a prude when it comes to sexual deeds. I like doing lots of things and there shouldn’t be any shame in that. If you feel comfortable, then go for it. But I have now come to the conclusion that I draw the line at a lot of weird shit. Peeing on someone is a drastic example but I could be faced with such a proposition and I need to know from now what I will and won’t do to satisfy someone. Just to clarify, peeing is something that I WILL NOT DO! So I guess my previous statement of ‘trying anything once’ doesn’t really apply. I don’t mind doing lots of different things in the bedroom and the list is an extensively long one. However there is one thing that I have vowed to try and avoid, aside from the obvious peeing one. And that is getting my toes sucked. Excuse me as I go vomit a little…
Now I know that some people find it a turn on and probably fantasise about licking and sucking the toes off someone but for me it is a massive annoyance and hinders my mind while having sex. For example, I had a man come over and as he began to work wonders on a vagina that had practically wilted away from no action (my va-jay-jay is back to life now btw) he slyly lifted my legs up and perched them by his shoulders, so that my feet were near his face. At the time I didn’t think anything of it as I was more so concentrated on his magical penis. It was magical because I hadn’t seen one in aeons all right?! Then out of nowhere I felt wetness and cat-like licking on my toes. My whole body tensed and my face scrunched up so much, that I most definitely created new wrinkles to accompany the grand canyons that are already forming on my face. I pulled away so quick that all I could do was muster out a giggle/squeak combination. I wrapped my legs around him to pull him on top of me so I could quickly get out of that uncomfortable predicament.
Now, here’s the thing. For the next 30 minutes my mind was working over time, fixated on the act of toe sucking. Through it I thought, oh my god, why didn’t I clean my feet with disinfectant? What if they tasted funny? Did he get a bit of fluff in his mouth? I didn’t vacuum my carpet in my room, so for sure there was fluff/hair/unknown particles stuck to my feet! My brain literally exploded. I of course am over analysing, being the woman that I am. But at the time I thought I will never see this man again due to the fact that my toes have stopped me from future rendezvous.
I have enough hang ups over my already asymmetrical, floppy, gloopy body. So to add toes to this scenario is unacceptable in my books! It’s bad enough that I fear of farting constantly while having sex. Yes people, I have a fear of farting during sex. All that pressure, thrashing and air being thrust up my poor va-jay-jay, I am utterly convinced that eventually it will build up and I will fart. It happened once guys! No joke, I farted during sex! I have been scarred for life. Can you imagine me preparing for an evening of sex with someone? I don’t eat. If I do, I eat small portions of plain tasteless shit like crackers. No spicy food whatsoever and I love spicy food by the way. I sacrifice my love of food to have a smooth, uncomplicated, awkward-free, fart-less sex life. On top of that, I take the longest showers known to man. If I could use Dettol all over myself in 200 degrees of hot water I would. I am petrified that a man will point out a flaw, or worse that something smelt off, or that my toes are rank. Therefore, I can’t possibly add toe sucking to my already cluttered mind. It just simply makes me cringe.
I know, you don’t have to say it, I am one crazy mother fucker. But if I am telling you about myself, then I can’t sugar-coat it. I must be brutally honest. After all this is me in the rawest form. No bullshit, no lies and no fake-ness.
Suffice it to say, the man has stayed in contact. So I mustn’t be such a horrid of a fatty to him, which is a nice thought at the end of the day. And maybe I will try and let go a little and let the poor man suck my toes if he really wants to suck my toes. I mean I can tell it’s a fetish of his because he keeps bringing it up all the time. He sneaks it into text messages and then tries during sex, yet my reaction is still the same giggling/squeak combination. I guess if I go with it then I will have to be pumped full of alcohol to the point of annihilating my mental faculties.
Guys, I don’t know. I really don’t know. Just thinking about the shear act of ones toes being violently violated by saliva is sending me into a tizzy. Nope. I can’t even talk about it any more. I’m done.