The Next Dan Bilzerian in The Making…The Pimpette


Firstly have you seen Dan Bilzerian’s Instagram feed? If not then here’s pretty much the gist of it…

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You must be a little intrigued after seeing all that right? I mean come on, who wouldn’t be. He’s like the 21st century jacked up terminator version of Hugh Hefner for god sake! I must confess that I forced my guy friends to take a look at his feed. I send them his links and after they take a little gander at good ol’ Dan’s Instagram feed they then come back to me and are like…

Their reaction is something that I can’t argue with. Most of his photos are of him living like a king with naked tits, ass and money in his face all day long. Ummm… Who wouldn’t want that! And with every post of a new super car, a new pair of tits, a vault full of money I can’t help feel the green eyed monster inside me growing and wanting to say with absolute certainty… “Man, why couldn’t I be a guy, so I could be like Dan.”
Hold on ladies of the world I’m getting to it, so don’t get your panties all wound up.

Society loves bachelors. There’s always one in every generation. They seem to get the title of being elusive, of being untouchable. Women want to fuck them and take the money and men revere them because they want their life. But what happens to the “Bachelorettes” out there? They ARE out there you know. They I’m afraid, are seen as the ‘something must be wrong with them’ types. If they are seen with too many suitors they are unfortunately considered whorebags. How does any of that make sense? HOW!!? And why do we still think this way. I’m no better, I started off by saying earlier that I would rather be a man. What I should have said was that I’m going to be the woman version and better at it!

These women prancing around with nothing but fake tits and a veneered smile aren’t helping our fellow women! Dan and his female cronies are fulfilling the male stereotype to a tee. They are saying that it’s still a man’s world and women are still just the pretty props. It sends the message that the only thing women are good for is having great bodies, beauty and a willingness to be naked. If you’re like me who doesn’t really possess such qualities (because hello, I’m an average normal woman) then we are pushed to the side. Well, I say enough is enough!

I want things to change. I want to see a boss bitch up on Instagram with 50 naked guys doing everything from cooking her dinner naked to cleaning all her shoes….naked. Why must women settle? Can’t we build empires as well, without having a husband? Can we not have a slew of lovers and be open about it without getting chastised?! Jeeeeesssuuuss!

I would like to nominate myself. I mean, why not? I am more than willing to be the first female Boss to rival the likes of Dan Bilzerian. I’m serious people! But for my plan to take effect I will have to rearrange some things. For starters I would prefer being fit. A curvy voluptuous sexy lady yes, a chubby oompa loompa, no. I want to look good in all the Instagram photos! I am by no means saying you have to be like J. Lo or Kim K to get all the men. I could probably do it even being the Marshmallow woman that I am. All I would need is a whole heap of money (problem number 2 btw…poor bitch walking at the moment). If you have money then anything is possible.  Hell if I had all the money in the world then these hunks will be chilling, playing PS4 in my mansion waiting for my return. And once I did, they would tend to me like I was a 3 time blue ribbon winning all state cow. Like they should. (Yes, I referred to myself as a cow. Move past it and continue reading!)

I’m sure you’re thinking or more like screaming that I would be basically paying them to have sex. But I see it as a job, like a live in cleaner or an on call penis with perks. If they are cooking, cleaning, servicing (I’m the one they’d be servicing obviously) then they should get some monetary funds. After all they need to look amazing. Chiselled bodies need a gym membership. Glowing skin needs wholesome organic food. Hairless pecs needs a trip to the beauticians. Where they will also see to some ball and ass maintenance as well. I am not dealing with straggling wiry hairs. So you see I would pay them to be impeccably presentable in my presence, because I, like Dan, would need toplessness in my life. All the time. I would want their chest and abs on display 24 hours a day. I will however consider them putting on a shirt if we had to go somewhere fancy. Oh who am I kidding, I totally wouldn’t! It’s more likely that I would have them waiting in a limo out back somewhere.

Why am I saying all this? Because there should be women out there who are strong. Who know how to break balls if they had to. Who also know there is a way to be powerful and sexy while commanding attention without having to bear it all. We should be the lead characters in titles such as “50 Shades of Mrs. Grey”  Christina Grey, if you please! Or Maggie Gyllenhaal in the movie “Secretary” should have been the boss taking advantage of her male assistant. It could have been called “Assistant”. I’m flexible with the title, I know how men get. Me thinks they would have a problem with being called a secretary. ( side note: Maggie Rocks!).

I want to see a woman sitting on a couch while the hunks massage her feet and pamper her. I want to see them rolling around on the floor with a fluffy puppy on top of piles of cash while the woman is standing in the distance like the queen that she is. I want to see her in an elegant pant suit out in the city with a trail of hunky hunks by her side. Making sure they lay down before her so she could step on top of them to avoid puddles and dirt.

I think it’s about time that women were able to be like the Dan Bilzerians of the world. And I’m going to advocate for the equal rights in the art of being a Pimp. If Jay Z can eloquantly state “I’m a motha fucking P.I.M.P!” and have men envy him then I think it’s about time a female came up in the ranks.

Ladies and gentlemen may I present to you “The Pimpette”. A woman who built an empire on her own, who lives the high life and has new beautiful men by her side that can easily be disposed of in a heartbeat. Women will aspire to be like her. To be strong, sexy and smart. Who will have ambitions, hopes and dreams that they will shed blood, sweat and tears to pursue and eventually conquer. They will look to her as their beacon of light. A refreshing welcome to a great change. And what will become of the men? They will no doubt repect her. They will see the hunger in her eyes to be a strong boss and they will back down. For she is “The Pimpette” of a new era.

And what would my world look like if I was The Pimpette? It would look like a whole lotta this…



It will be marvelous I tell you. Simply maaahrvelous. (Said in a posh british accent which is absolutely required when saying such a word. My accent is American so I can’t really pull off being refined).


*The two photos above were taken off the web, but the woman’s face in both is mine. A little bit of photoshop magic. Which I might add, is one of the greatest things ever invented.


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