Taking photos has become like second nature to us all. We take so many photos that they have all turned in to one big ball of blurry colours. It’s obviously easier nowadays due to this phenomenon of what they call the smartphone. I sometimes want to smash mine, which for me, is like an annoying family member you can’t get rid of. A few words come to mind in association with my phone. Glued, attached, fastened, just to name a few. One time I forgot ‘my precious’ at home and not only was I paranoid, nervous, incomplete, but I also got an overwhelming sense of uncertainty that, even though I am a human being who can think on my own without the aid of any electronic devices, has now suddenly been rendered useless. A defective blubbering moron; all because in my head I thought I lost contact with the outside world and most importantly that I missed out on important calls and texts. Here’s the thing. Hardly no one ever calls me because I’m not so important. It would seem I’m only a queen within my own mind and nowhere else. Yet here I was, phoneless and lifeless, the world as I knew it was caving in all around me. Now, do you know how many people got in contact with me for the whole 11 hours I was away from my phone? One! Yes, one person. And do you know who that person was? My mom. Need I say more.
Since we take our phones everywhere, we are able to constantly whip it out and take photos wherever we are. Here are a few examples: The park (you didn’t get enough pictures of grass) clubbing (you needed yet another one of you and your friends puckering up to the camera or if you’re super drunk, your middle fingers) road trips (taking a picture of a random road sign that is exactly like the one on your street back home) restaurants ( you simply have to take a picture of what you’re about to eat, I mean come on!) and of course we can’t forget a selfie. This word was the most used word of 2013 and is still being used like the air we breathe. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have been doing selfies since before they came into fashion. But I do at least have the common decency to make it seem like I am in the company of someone taking the photo. I do not understand the ones where you stand in front of a mirror and take a photo of yourself looking at yourself looking into a mirror. But hands down, my most detested selfie of all time is a, let’s call it a pelfie and for those raunchy males out there, a delfie. Are you now questioning what I’m blabbering on about? I am talking about men who simply love to take a picture of their beloved little “friend”, their penis. They then have the audacity to send it to the girl that they are chatting with. What is the difference between a pelfie and a delfie you ask? Well, a pelfie is a more subdued photo of a flaccid penis. They just take a picture of it flopped on top of their balls. A delfie (deriving from the word dick + selfie) is a fully errect penis with them holding it in their hands. If there was a caption to accompany this photo it would be ‘It’s right here, come and get this bad boy’.
Men, I completely understand that you are ruled by your one and only true love. I totally get it. It is something that us woman have come to accept and tolerate since the beginning of time. But in all honesty, do you really think women love receiving pictures of penises? The quick answer to that is no, we do not. I have lost count with how many photos I’ve received of man’s best friend. I could literally open up a photography exhibition with the amount of penis photos I have received throughout my dating life. Here’s the thing. I do not ask for these photos. I do not even wish to receive these photos, yet some how my phone beeps and lo and behold a penis pops up on my screen. Men, women do not want to receive these surprises on their phone. In fact we would much rather get a photo of some sexy abs or a cheeky smile while biting your lower lip. Those are the things that turn us on. Do you honestly think that penises are attractive things to look at? I’m sorry to say, they are not. And don’t get me started on wrinkly scraggly balls! Those things need to be kept under lock and key. I’ll let you in on a secret. We like the lights off because we don’t want to see your manhood in all it’s glory. It is not because we are ashamed or shy with how we look naked. Ok, maybe we are but your penis out ranks our fears of being naked with the lights on. It is bad enough to be constantly bombarded with men all day long adjusting, fixing, rearranging and scratching their balls in public. But to then send a delfie on top of all that is just pure madness. We, as ladies, like the idea of what a penis can do. So when we fantasise about a man, the penis is the last thing we envision. It is more about the touch, feel and scenario that gets us going. We are most definitely hardwired differently then you men.
So what is the solution? To stop sending Pelfies, Delfies and Balfies (ball shots). Yup, it’s that simple. Instead send us photos of you playing football, or a cute photo of you working hard at your desk, or even one of you cooking. That way we can then fantasise about you being all sweaty after you winning that foothball game, or throwing all the papers off your desk and picking us up forcefully while we go at it on said desk and lastly sitting at the dinner table while we devour the wonderful food you’ve just cooked for us. Oh, right, I missed out on the sexy scenario of the last one. Well, to that I say a girl has got to eat and for your informantion, we want a man who can take the time out to do something for us without getting sex as the dessert. Dear holiness of the devine right of women, now that would definitely be the best fantasy of them all.