I was reading an article on the Huffington Post by Dr. Carmen Harra called “The 10 Elements of a Soulmate” and as I read the list I realised that I actually yearned for a deeper connection with someone. I may joke in my blog posts about the fact that I will be single forever and it won’t phase me but as I read this list I realised that I was scared to be left on this planet alone.
Now, I’m not going to lie, I do relish being on my own so I can do my own thing; I am an only child let’s not forget. But I chose that time. What about the time when I will want a conversation, one of those deep, meaningful, up all night conversations? I mean friends can only do so much at the end of the day. You will never have that connection that you would have with a potential partner. Sex of course, plays a major part in this. All those hormones and chemicals and stuff. They make you mushy and want to connect with people. Because let’s not forget, people want to be with other people. We are programmed that way. We flock to make friends, make bonds, connect, be a part of something bigger and strive to be loved. Throughout humanity people have formed groups, gathered together, huddled together, foraged together, plotted together and hunted together. It is in our nature. So it should come at no surprise when we feel this need to belong and be apart of something special.
I sometimes go a whole couple of months without thinking about finding someone, or better yet finding the “right” one. This is because I may find men who tide me over for the time being. Or perhaps the real truth is because I am finding it harder and harder to believe what men have to say. Therefore it is putting me off trying to find someone that I can connect with. Lately though I am feeling my heart closing and slowly turning to stone as the months go by. As if the longer I stay single the more closed and turned off I become. Yet every now and then I feel a little flicker inside me start to bubble , trying to come to life again. And that’s when the heartache begins, reminding me that I was not built for eternal solitude. I was built for love and companionship, for laughter, for joy and for contemplation. I was built to connect with people, to share moments with people and then to reflect on those glorious and unforgettable memories. Yet the hardening persists, a constant battle mixed with a constant yearning. It is a struggle at times to detach yourself like I have. And I have realised that I have “consciously uncoupled” from society as a whole, only peering in from time to time through social media. And the funny thing is, I alone am the only one who can change my path, my fate.
But alas men have toyed with me throughout my life. Even the ones who are only casual idiots. They come and show some interest and then they leave without a whisper of a goodbye. They come to weave stories on top of lies, to tell half truths and their beautiful words are laced with poison. As the words fill your ears you rejoice at the superficial admiration that they possess. You get distracted, you start to believe all without seeing any action and before you realise your fate, the poison has taken affect. Thus propelling you into a downward spiral of anger, insecurities and self-hatred that since you are the common denominator in these equations, all answers must lead back to you. How does one open up after all of this? How does one try again? How does one rehabilitate themselves back into society after being sentence to the hole of solitude time and time again?
As I read that list of “The 10 Elements of a Soulmate” a couple really resonated with me. Especially number 9 which states that you would do anything to be with a person, you would fight the good fight for your cause. Which I am definitely guilty of. I would always give my all. With every relationship. Some I have even gone above and beyond the call of duty. I had laid down my life in the service of love. And throughout all this giving I failed to realise that I was looked at as a mate without the soul. As the ying without the yang. Always longing to be gazed upon with an equality of love in their eyes. It is a hardship to bear when those hopes never come into being. So I have retreated in defeat.
The word soulmate always perplexed me. The definition was clear yet I questioned the power and connotation that came with such a word. Can two people truly find each other and create such a bond to then be referred to as soulmates? Who knows. I’m not even sure if people experience a deeper level of commitment nowadays, where they just close themselves off from the outside world and become present to their partner, to their surroundings and to their conversations. I fear that there is too much confusion and distraction out there and for a lonely romantic such as myself I fear that I will remain just that, a lonely old romantic spinster with 50 cats.
Maybe it’s a silly notion to still hold on to. The idea of love. The idea that two people can remain faithful, committed, loyal and true to one another. As soulmates. Maybe it is a fictitious kind of love. Maybe it was just a silly dream of a little girl once upon a time. But wouldn’t it be a wondrous idea to uphold? To connect on a much deeper level instead of this warp speed imitation of love and togetherness. I think any relationship nowadays is just skimming by on the surface never penetrating the depths of the unknown. I tell you right now, we would all be in a higher state of being if we just let go of the judgements, the lies, the infidelities, the games and the walls. Instead little girls grow up only to find out that those love stories were just that. Stories. They grow up to realise the possession of beauty which is only skin deep is what counts and not that of substance, good heartedness and good temperedness. They grow up to paint themselves in the mirrored images of the magazines and that of the faux celebrity girl on those reality shows. While little boys grow to realise that telling a web of words can get you any girl. We have failed to teach our children that it is only actions that should count in the matters of the heart and love. So you know what? I will hold on to the idea of what a soulmate represents. For it gives me some hope to carry on and stay true to my course. Even if it may be that of a silly little girl’s utopian hallucination.
On another note, I think my next post will be on exercise, or lack there of. Melancholic posts are soothing at times but jeeezzz I went to town today on this one.