The Curse of Porn and Sex Videos…

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Once upon a time there was a girl who was with her fellow of a few years. Occasionally to spice things up they would watch porn together. Which for the record, I don’t see anything wrong with. I also don’t see anything wrong with men watching porn even if they are in a committed relationship. My logic is, I would much rather have him sitting at home jerking off to porn than to be in a club picking up some dirty skank and doing nasty things to in his home. Feel free to argue this point with me. I truly like hearing what other people think about this.

I do know however, that like with everything, there is a fine line to going overboard. You don’t want to walk in and find him jerking off to porn after just having sex with you two hours ago. That right there, might be a problem. And of course you also don’t want to turn on the computer and see pornhub sites plastered day after day in your internet history browser. Especially if you find his preferences in the women that he is ogling are nothing remotely ressembling your appearance. Or worse, he has taken a liking to orgies and golden showers. That right there is an even bigger problem. Come to think of it, looking at his porn history gives a greater insight into how his brain actually ticks. And in fact might shed some light in how long your relationship will actually last for. If he watches it on occassion and nothing scary pops up like men orgies, you are good. If there are no traces of porn anywhere, then he is hiding something and signs to a long lasting relationship are not looking so promising. All men, no matter what they blubber on about, watch porn. It is a getaway for them. It is something that they do. Accepting that is key. Don’t go crazy and say that he is “cheating” on you even though he has not touched a lady. It’s like those ladies that go ape shit when their man looks at another woman. That is insane. Women, we are the biggest observers in the world. We look at men and women and the funny thing is, is that we are not discreet about it either. So let your man look. There is no harm. In my relationships I have been both women. The one who turns into the hulk when he stares at another woman and then more recently not giving a shit that he looks at them. I know at the end of the day he is coming home to me at night. I also find that if you are not in his face yelling all the time then he will be more open with you. He will feel more comfortable and relaxed around you. If you are constantly getting mad over the tiniest of things then he will shut his mouth fearing the wrath that might ensue if he says one word. So ladies, let’s give the men a break from time to time. Instead if you have a problem talk to him. Come from the angle of “I understand but this bothers me a little” if you say it in a nice way the first time and he still continues his shenanigans then by all means tear him a new one after that. Sometimes tough love works wonders. You just have to know when to pick and choose your battles.

Watching porn with your man can be a good thing and sharing these experiences together creates a stronger bond with one another. As opposed to him doing it by himself behind your back and you bitching about it for 3 days straight. There are however two downfalls of porn. One, is that guys expect dirty, nasty sex like they see in these videos. Which is fine on occasions. But sometimes a woman wants to be made love to and not f*cked. If men can master treating us like a queen in and out of the bedroom then we would have no problem doing the freakier side of sex for them (within reason of course, I really am not feeling the peeing on someone vibe). And now comes two, men have this idea that they too can recreate a porn video. And I’m here to say to the average man, No, you can not recreate a porn masterpiece. In fact us women can not reenact the over acting that a lady of porn achieves in those videos. It is simply not acheiveable. Surely we have all seen the Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian and other stupid celebrity sex tapes. They were not hot nor sexy. They were horrible. They were down right awkward. You don’t want to recreate something like that. Trust me.

One night my current guy at the time, turned and looked at me with longing in his eyes and said softly “I want to video tape us having sex”. I paused, looked at him and eventually said sure why not. Now I will stress the fact that we used my camcorder. It was one of those sony DVD ones that recorded on to a tiny DVD. So one night after I had consumed my body weight in alcohol we cracked out the video camera. We obviously didn’t have amazing lighting and it was of course before the time of filters. At first my mind was constantly on that stupid video camera. But after time went by I forgot about it. The hand held action shots were awkward and annoying so we placed the camera to the side, angling it to get the whole bed. That’s when we completely forgot about it and had sex like we normally do.

After the deed was done we looked over at the camera. My guy looked back at me with giddiness in his eyes and before he could open his mouth I said “yes, we can watch it.” He jumped up, balls and dick flapping everywhere, skipping with joy as he grabbed the video camera. As he sat down next to me he couldn’t click play fast enough. What I then witnessed was the bubble birsting in my man’s eyes as the realisation hit that our sex was not that of porn masters. At times the camera was so shaky that we had no clue what parts of ourselves we were watching. It was so up close and personal that I thought i was getting a first hand account of what my gynecologist sees when she’s up my va-jay-jay. And then came the part of the full view of the bed. As my man was watching his odd thrusting and grunting, I was watching the flubber on my body being smacked around like dough being kneaded. The ripples of the flesh on my stomach was nauseating to watch as I also discovered cellulite in places that I never knew existed. Then came the part when I got on top. This for me was like watching a horror movie. As my boobs flopped around, occasionally smacking my lover in the face a few times, I vowed to myself right then and there that I would be researching plastic surgeons as soon as this nightmare was over. But that was not the worst of it. I forgot that I got a cramp in my leg while I was still sliding around on top of him and of course the video camera captured it all. Has anyone had a cramp in the leg while they were busy at trying to seduce someone? There is no sexy way to get out of that situation. Your leg is dead and you can’t move. So what do you do? Well in my case, I now had a first hand account of what it actually looked like. As I stopped and said “cramp, cramp” he decided to keep thrusting underneath me. I was frozen in time, holding my leg while being thursted about by my man who of course was going at it like it was the end of the world . He did not look attractive on camera. And his sex face, which I had never really noticed before, looked more like novacane was smeared all over it. His mouth was wide open, a little too much saliva on display and a general look of paralysed numbness best described his facial expression.

“No, seriously I have a cramp” and with that I braced myself as I plopped over like a 2 ton sack of potatoes and hoped for the best. As I laid there like a beached whale feeling paralysed this douche got on top of me and continued. It was like looking at necrophilia sex. A lifeless body just lying there getting pounded. I remember giving up at that point and just praying that he would hurry up and finish. I’m sure that you now have a wonderful picture in your head. You’re welcome. His pounding and thrusting continued all the while accompanied by my fake moaning and yelling hoping that it would speed up the process. And finally he climaxed which looked more like a fish writhing around out of water. Remember his numb, open mouthed face? Not a pretty sight from afar. The look on my face however, was that of annoyance, dread and dissatisfaction. In my mind, before ever seeing the video I knew it was going to be an epic fail.

After the abysmal show I shut off the camera and said ” you see, not so sexy now is it.” And with disappointment in his face he agreed. That still didn’t stop him from sneakily taking the dvd out of the camera and taking it home with him. I should mention that prior to agreeing to do this ridiculousness, I told him that there was only one condition to abide by which was, that I held on to the evidence. And he violated that trust and breached the oral contract. Luckily my Sony dvd camcorder was the kind that you had to finalise the clip in the device so it could then be watched in a dvd player or computer. So thankfully he couldn’t watch it back. I always wondered why he would even want to watch it back. I mean he agreed that he too looked like a complete moron who seemed like it was his first time ever having sex in his life. Why on earth would you want to relive that travesty? I later got my hands on it and erased it. Who wants that in their dvd collection. Sure as hell, not me!

The amusing thing for me was that looking at yourself having sex really brings you crashing back down to earth. I always thought I was good at it. Well, thats also because the men I have been with said so. In all fairness they could have been sparing my feelings but I’d like to think that was never the case. But no matter how decent I thought I was this stupid video made me never want to have sex again. I now have a more fond respect for the ladies of porn. They really make it look easy. They have this nack of portraying sex to be animalistic and raw. And sometimes us meer ordinary folks want to emulate that. To spice up the same sex that you’ve been doing with the same person for years. People, I hate to say this but sometimes the same old sex gets boring. It becomes routine. Once that happens you gotta try and incorporate different things. Because as soon as the spark goes then you fail to work at a relationship. You forget why you fell in love with them. You might say “but we get along as companions, we laugh together and our conversations are electrifying”. Well yes, all those things might be true but if your sex life turns to boring old plain toast, you both will find things to argue about. You both will start picking at things. Thus, unravelling the already highly strung environment that you two have created.  So I say experimenting together can help keep a relationship fresh. But there are those instances where you wished you hadn’t said yes to this week’s experimental experience. Once you have witnessed a horror show like that the images get engraved into your skull and it’s hard to revist that experience without cringing or gouging out your eyeballs. Porn can be a great thing to watch together, but under no circumstances should you think that your own porn video will ever be like the pros. You will pause while you change positions and get the footing right, you will giggle, you will say ouch and push him back if he by accident slips into the back entrance without warning, you will choke and cough while trying to do deep throat as saliva spews out everywhere, you will have your hair all over the place and he will be blowing it away or sweeping it out of his face while getting frustrated,  you will drool some more, you might even by accident fart and most importantly when you’re done you will crack out the tissues to mop up the mess that was created by of course him. So you see your attempts at recreating a sex tape like the pros will not happen.  But I can say, you will laugh at it a little later on down the line if you do attempt one. If you still want to attempt one then I say crack out the big guns, lighting, make-up, doing your sex face in a mirror because if you can’t stand how your expressions are then chances are he will be f*cking you with a scrunched up face thinking shit I should have put a bag over that mug. All in all, go forth and prosper my fellow wannabe porn masters and above all else take it with a grain of salt.

How have I faired since my experience? Well, I have now taken a liking to dress up. All recording devices are left at the door and what’s even greater is that for a while you can drift away. You can become a different persona. It’s fantastic. Both you and him will get excitement out of it.

Something tells me that if I had liked studying I definitely would have made an awesome nurse. *wink wink

 

What do you guys think about porn and sex videos?

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2 thoughts on “The Curse of Porn and Sex Videos…

  1. I did this ‘official record’ thing.
    I couldn’t even watch it after I listened to about 10 seconds. I don’t know how anyone can bear to do it with me. I sound like a Pomeranian on crack.
    Thinking about it is making me feel a bit sick….

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