Eat Butter… The exhaustion of all these food revelations

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I’m sure by now you’ve heard that Time magazine has officially stated that eating butter is back on the menu. If you haven’t seen their latest cover then here you go…

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I for one am not mad at this new revelation. How can I be? It’s telling me to eat butter! Who the hell could get mad at that. What my panties are getting tangled up about is the fact that it is yet one more revelation to add to the millions already in circulation. This is making me want to shout out, ‘hey 21st century scientists/researchers/ dieticians/nutritionists/all-seeing-eyes  You gat lots ah esplaainnin tooo douu!’ (say it again in a thick Spanish accent…I’ll wait).

Health diets and detoxes are busy buzzing around the cyber stratosphere with their tried and tested (?) methods of getting your body tuned to perfection like a pitch-perfect orchestra. Yet some of these things that I have read are fucking ridiculous! One says to stay away from carbs completely, another says only proteins, another says drink lemon-y maple syrup with a dash of cayenne pepper (umm… Yuck) another suggests bananas and cabbage soup ( because that seems tasty) and another is an odd tasting shake in the morning and evening. Now kale is the way to go, oh and don’t forget Chia seeds. I mean where the hell did kale and chia seeds pop up from? I know they have been around forever and apparently some Tibetan monk heard about it from the Mayans, who swore by them. Don’t be going around now spreading the word that Tibetan monks eat kale and chia seeds. I have no fucking clue what they eat. But I can bet that they have more important things to ponder over, like the salvation of humanity for starters.

It took less than a month from the moment that Kale was being raved about all over the internet to then be sitting and staring at me in my local supermarket. I have never seen kale there in my life. Not once! And there I was, talking to myself saying ‘Oh no way, kale! I better grab that because I have read so many great things about it.’ I went home and made kale chips, kale smoothies and kale juices. You could say I went cuckoo for kale. I did the same thing when everyone was talking about pure unrefined coconut oil. I even did oil pulling for 2 weeks because once again everyone was swearing on their family members lives that it was the best thing since the birth of Jesus. For weeks I was also rubbing coconut oil all over like I was getting ready to be put in the oven. I constantly smelled of coconut oil and I was tired of looking out the window at deary old London yet smelling like a tropical island. It fucked with me guys… it fucked with me. And then there are the chia seeds which I think it’s best just to say I went to the extreme with them as well. Now butter is accepted after being banned for years. Who even says it wants to be back after being neglected for so long. I of course never left butter’s side. It was there for me for all my cooking endeavours and I most certainly wasn’t going to substitute anything else in it’s place. Cue margarine, which I always thought was like a totally regretful drunken annihilation of a one night stand that you wished came covered up in a paper bag the morning after.

You know what would be great, if people stopped believing wholeheartedly in all these diets and detox programmes. So what that a friend of a friend swears by it. Or that Dr. Oz thinks it’s god’s (or whatever higher being is out there) way of saying I want you mortals to live longer. I personally think God is trying to hurry our extinction rate up as quickly as possible, but that right there is another tale for another time.

Let’s all stop going overboard with food hype. Believe me when I say that I have done probably every diet detox crap known to man. But guess what works the best? A balanced diet. If you want something sweet then have something sweet. Just work a little bit harder in the gym the next day. Or have one cheat day during the week. I can’t do these low-fat, 0% crap of airless, tasteless bullshit at all. I like me some food. Life is just too damn short to get so stressed about eating one more rice grain than you should. For the love of pancakes can we all just chill out a little! That’s the problem with today’s society of the uber fit. There is this constant need to one up everything. Soon we will just be walking around with portable IV’s stabbing us all day long just because the experts will say so. And us poor sheep will go along for the ride.

Butter has been churning for hundreds of years, so to me, that is tried and tested. I don’t need some research scientist that probably looks a lot like the one from Independence Day researching something for 50 years and then conclude that ‘yeah it looks good folks’. I am by no means super fit in fact I do have some chunks in places. Probably in more places than I’d like to admit. But after reading all these unattainable diet detox schemes I tend to feel more stressed. I never can do it for the required time and when I look in the mirror I see a more obese me. I look out for my flaws, picking at them like a gorilla.

All in all a big hoorrah to butter getting it’s sexy silky self back on the market. I couldn’t be happier. And now when my colleague (I call him the Hulkinator because he is obsessed about fitness) looks at me in the kitchen while I crack open the real deal butter meal I will whip out the Times article and shoved it in his face.  Ahh the satisfaction of it all. Of course I’m pretty sure that a month from now there will be yet another apocalyptic exposé most probably along the lines of… ‘Scientists confirm that smearing ice cream on your face is the new elixir of youth’…. You might be giggling at it’s absurdity but there’s a woman in some town, in some part of eastern Europe who shovels leaches up her va-jay-jay and the rest of her body claiming it heals and keeps her youthful. I swear! Google it! Leaches are starting to get traction! If I had to choose? I would spread that sticky ice cream all over my skin like it was curing cancer.

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