Becoming Jessica Fletcher

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Ah, Jessica Fletcher from Murder She Wrote. What a gal, what a phenomenal lady. I can’t tell you how many hours I would watch back to back re-runs of that show. Not only that, I must have started watching it back when I was 6-7 years old. That right there is a whole lotta years under my belt to spend with someone. So I guess you could say that Jessica and I have a pretty solid relationship; which gives me justification to say, murder mysteries are the bomb! Yes I threw in a 90’s word! That show believe it or not has taught me quite a bit in life and it’s safe to say that I carry a varied, yet reliable arsenal to deal with any situation at hand. Don’t scough when you read that, I speak only the truth!

For starters, Jessica has taught me to be observant. To wait patiently in the wings like a huntress eyeing her prey. Ok too far, that was more of a serial killer kind of vibe. Sorry, what I meant was to wait, observe and assess a situation with an unbiased eye; which can be hard to master once emotions get thrown into the mix. Unfortunately in regards to women, their emotions are always thrown all over the place, once shit hits the fan. This lesson however has served me well in life. But there are those instances  (everybody has them) where you become stupid and refuse to see the obvious signs that were smacking you hard  in the face to the point of near unconsciousness. I had many a smacks on the face and in fact there was a time where I refused to notice the signs and eventually got burned for my impaired sight. That took me what seemed like a life time to recover from. But I suppose that is another story for another time.

Back to my bestie, Jessica. She has taught me to piece together the clues, that any tiny tidbit of information has a meaning behind it and that no matter the size, should never be discarded. But my most important lesson I have learned was to never leave evidence behind. Which is why you will never catch me out with a sex tape that might be floating around in cyberspace somewhere, or a pile of emails talking ill of someone, or even text messages on my phone with some guys #delfie ( d*ck selfie) plastered on my screen. A lady covers all her bases. And of course she knows that what is done behind closed doors, stays behind closed door. If you want to be a freak in the comfort of your own home then go for it. In fact go ahead and make a sex tape with your partner. But for the love of god ladies, be the sole owner of that video. If it’s on your computer put a password on it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen people get annihilated because they have trusted their partner and then as soon as the seas became rocky they turned into poseidon commanding a tidal wave, who’s target was you! Which is why throughout all your life you must keep this next piece of information always at the back of your mind, people can never be trusted 100%. It’s a sad fact, but unfortunately it’s the truth.

Remember when I told you I had a love-hate relationship with social media? More like an obsessed-detested affiliation. Remember? Well, it has actually at times been the bane of my existence. I have spent many a sleepless nights trolling the pages of friends, friends of friends and distant aquaintances on sites such as Facebook, Instagram and Twitter to find out what they were up to. Most times I would even get myself worked up and have convinced myself that they were doing the unthinkable. Now, some of the times I have been right on the money. While other times, I was just fishing. Even writing this now and admitting it out loud is giving me heart palpitations. Because at the end of the day it sounds pathetic, in fact down right stalker-ish! However I of course have come up with something to make it seem more acceptable or at least sound a little better. I would call it the Jessica Fletcher, getting to know your inner private investigator. For most cases I would say a little investigating nowadays has become the norm. I have heard my friends say on several occassions  “oh I checked him/her out on facebook”. This mostly relates to the person you are seeing or are about to go on a date with. You know the drill, you first meet someone and they seem pretty up front and genuine in person but later you find out he has 40 porcelain cats in and around his home. This of course could have been avoided if you had done a quick search to find his addiction that is oh so apparent on his profile picture. Now you may ask, how can I find him if I only have his first name? Well, if he was referred to you by a friend or friend of a friend you could then easily search his friends list. Simple. On an occasion like this, I love Facebook. Hence the Jessica Fletcher has served her purpose. But what happens when you start a relationship with someone? By this I mean you checked him out, his profile pictures portray him to be a genuinely nice guy, therefore you go on dates, you finally do the deed together and have been seeing each other every week since then. All is great in the world. And then you add each other on facebook. Now, here’s the catch. You have now been officially invited and wlecomed into his domain, his kingdom and without knowing, you started something that could very well turn into a cascading domino effect. At this stage in your courtship you have no clue who he has been out with, which girls in those photo albums are his ex’s and thus the analysing and speculations begin. Women, we analyse things too much. We do it to the point of suffocation. The questions at first are innocently asked, only mild curiosity is bubbling  up inside of us. But as the days turn into months our curiosity could turn into an obsession if our questions have not been answered to our satisfaction. I know guys, we are fickle at times and in some cases I feel a genuine compassion and sympathy for you. But here’s the thing, if you were a straight arrow from the start then we would have loved you and trusted you unconditionally, well probably more like 98%. Remember, never 100%. Unforunately, it is extremely unlucky for you when the saying ‘ Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’ couldn’t be more accurate.  So now we interrogate because your stories aren’t adding up or what you said last week about a certain girl is missing key points in this week’s story and of course, that “Boys night out” wasn’t such a “Boys night out” in the pictures you happened to post online. And hence The Jessica Fletcher rears its ugly little head again but only in the form of pure evil. I’m telling you we could demolish a whole city block to uncover what we are looking for. Please men, don’t test us on this one. In this instance all these social media sites can break you down into a miserable ball of mush. It can create something that perhaps never was there to begin with. And hence, this is one reason why I detest them with all my being.

The Jessica Fletcher can be used anywhere, and sad to say I did once wait in my car patiently outside my then boyfriend’s place with the veil of night concealing me from sight.  As I was scoping out the area, no doubt reenacting a scene from a generic cop movie, aided by a sprinkling undertone of stalker style nuaunces, my suspitions turned into reality when (he told me he was out with friends) he return with a girl who was an ex of his that he spent 7 years of his life with prior to me. I later found out that he was living with her. So you see if Jessica hadn’t have been there in my formative years to teach me the art of “wait patiently and you shall receive” I would have gone home that night, none the wiser. I sure did receive a whopping explosion to my internal soul that night, to say the least. But what I’m trying to say was that there were clues thrown like little bread crumbs throughout the two painful years that we were together and like a true detective I patiently pieced them together to find the answer with my own eyes.

The power of The Jessica Fletcher, if you choose to use it, can save you from those awkward starts to meeting a person who, put nicely, would never be right for you. It can help you figure out when something is amiss. It can be your saviour when you can’t get the truth directly. But if turned into an obsession, it can ruin a good thing. A pure and trustworthy relationship can turn sour with too much digging around and of course it will eventual come to an unhealthy death most likely resembling a masacre. So choose wisely when to unleash The Jessica. For she is a powerful force to be reckoned with. It has taken me a great many years to master the delicate art of balancing her many teachings into something that won’t combust my already delicate frail outlook I have on people. But I sure as hell am happy that I have her as a  friend. And slowly I hope with time, Jessica will become a distant aquaintance that might actually turn into a distant memory, once and if the right person comes along. Because above all else one should always have hope. Without that, life would be a slightly morbid affair.

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