The Man Who Said He Wasn’t ‘Feeling It’…

I'm just not feeling it

Men still, to this day, perplex me. It’s a subject that I probably won’t be able to master in my lifetime. Sure, I might get close but in the end they (men) will inevitably do something to throw me for a loop. And oh, how it frustrates me so.

I was going to say recently, but now that my brain has started working, I realise that it’s been a while since I’ve seen a penis. So let’s just say this little story will be about the last man that has befriended my va-jay-jay.

I met a man through a dating app. He was cute, loved sci-fi, was somewhat funny, yet reserved and knew how to dress. After a couple of weeks of talking I invited him to a club where my friends and I were going to go. We met, he wasn’t a crazy and from there we proceeded to have various meet-ups of sexually inclined trysts for the six months that were to follow.

It’s funny really when I look back on it because I was questioning then. I was always wondering if this guy liked me. But for those months I never met a single one of his friends, we rarely met up to actually go anywhere and the most ridiculous part, was that he never called me. We always used to communicate by text. I mean who does that? I don’t even care that that’s what people do nowadays. I want someone to call me and pursue me. But for six months I really didn’t have any clue whether I was coming or going. I did confront him around the 4 month mark and asked if he wanted it to stay casual and he replied by saying that “I don’t do casual.” So I thought ok, maybe he does like me. But as the days turned into months, nothing had changed. Until one day I was about to pull my hair out. The thing is, my pandas I am not a needy type of gal. I won’t cling, I won’t call all the time, I won’t even bother you with loads of text messages. However, the one thing I cannot stand is not knowing where I stand with someone.

I think nowadays women are too easy. We go by what the men say. It’s almost like we get excited that someone ‘might’ be into us that we forget our self worth. And I was a stupid lady this time round. Like I am every time I’m with a man. I forget what I want and who I am. I genuinely want to slap myself sometimes. On a side note, I think that’s why I’ve stayed single for so long (this time round).

Anyway, after 6 months of the same roundabout ways I confronted him yet again. And do you know what this idiot said to me through a text message? “I’m just not feeling it.” Excuse me? You’re not feeling it? So I called him and he finally picked up the phone, which was probably the second time in six months. I repeated his own words to me. Almost like a final confirmation.  And just like that we ended something that never really had a chance to begin with.

Who text messages someone after six month of having sex with them and say that they weren’t feeling it. Because as far as I was concerned his dick was sure “feeling” it. If you are any sane human being you will know after a few dates. If anything you will probably have sex, just to see how it goes and if nothing, you move on. You don’t swing your dick around for six months and as soon as I ask a serious question of “Where is this going?” do you cower in a corner somewhere and eventually run for the hills. Anyway, that’s when I realised that I was face to face with yet another man that had a problem with getting to know someone on a deeper level. I wasn’t even asking for a commitment. A relationship, if you will. I was simply asking to connect with someone. That they at least tried a little. It was that simple.

It’s funny because after we ended it, he finally added me on Facebook, and on Instagram. And then after a few month, he started getting in contact again and proceeded with all the sexual innuendos. I’m not going to lie. We did have sex again. Oh what?! I’m only human at the end of the day. But it was clear I was simply there to put out every once in a while. I eventually told him that I had enough. Actually it was a really long text message whereupon his response was… “woah, fair enough.” And I never heard from him again. I mean it’s laughable.

I don’t know if you guys ever experienced the feeling of rejection even though you did nothing wrong, mixed with not being good enough. Well that’s what I felt like. How dare someone make me feel like that, again. Who did this guy think he was? It’s not my fault that he had problems with commitment. That he didn’t know how to communicate and delve deeper, down to someone’s soul. No, that’s all on him. And I’m okay with that. I tried, I know I did. Even if trepidation set in. I still tried.

So if a man is telling you that he’s not feeling it, simply smile, wave good bye and move on. You are all worth so much more than that. And I sure as hell need a man to be a man at the end of the day. I need him to listen, share, communicate, laugh and delve deep into my soul. If he can’t even pick up the phone to call me and be honest then he can fuck right off.

Peace, Love and Know your worth!
<3

 

Weekend Photo Journal: Lusting on Everything Neon

neon

This week’s lust is everything neon. It’s such a pick-me-up isn’t it? One little pop of colour and suddenly an outfit, room, makeup, furniture, and/or shoes, comes to life. It’s refreshing, it’s bold, it’s flavoursome, it’s unique. Neon gives you a sense of fun and character. Not to mention it sure does brighten up one’s day.

So here are my neon inspirations that I drool over…

Peace, love and Neon vibes

<3
PS- all photos taken from Pinterest! Which I’m totally obsessed with. It’s such a great place of inspiration! 

It’s Rare To Find Friends Who Actually Get You…

Friends

Friendship is super important, wouldn’t you say pandas? Ever since we worked out how to string words together to communicate, it has been a constant yearning to make friends and fit in. Friends mould you from a very young age. The early ones help you with your social skills and sharing . Whereas the older ones formed how you truly saw people. And not to mention taught you a few harsh life lessons on trust, loyalty, humility and  compassion. It took me a long time to actually realise that some of those friends that I made throughout the years, never really knew me or got me. Even the close ones. They thought they did, but they really didn’t. And once I realised that I could choose who I wanted in my life and who should be kicked to the curb, that’s when I felt like I could breathe again.

That’s why I chose the above quote, because it’s so true. It’s not a nice feeling when you have people you call friends and they censor you. Or you feel like you can’t really express yourself to the fullest. My close friends (even though they are very few) know that I am one goofy, weird, dorky, oddball wrapped up in a funny hard shell who’s covering the sensitive side from ever being exposed. I like bursting out with odd random noises from time to time. I talk to myself. I might yap about weird things. I might even ask questions like… “What would you do if the day after tomorrow (movie) actually happened?” Or “why can’t we all have puppies at work?”, and then I might ask about the meaning of life and why on earth are men assholes? I do random things. I like swearing, a lot. I choose Star Trek, True Blood and Lost. TV shows which have all ended by the way and I’m super pissed about. But most importantly I like banter. I like when you can be sarcastic and rude to your friends. Obviously, all in good fun. I like it when they laugh along and call me names for saying something rude or sarcastic. I mean If I could have a friend like Barney from ‘How I met Your Mother’ I would be super happy. Oh what games we would play. It would be… wait for it… legen… wait a little longer… DARY! And I have yet to find that. I thought I had but then people grew up to be super serious and all about work and family. I mean you have to let your hair down from time to time. It’s not good to get so stressed out. If you can’t recall when the last time you did something spontaneous is, then something is missing. Some people forget how to have fun and I don’t want that in my life. I know we have to pay bills and be responsible but Jesus let your panties show every once in a while. Be carefree every now and then.

Anyway, the close ones get it and accept it. If I make new friends I introduce them to my weirdness a little at a time. If throughout this process they give a stand off-ish vibe then I will move on and we will stay acquaintances. If they laugh and are equally as silly as I am then I know we will be superfriends.

So don’t forget to choose your friends wisely. Make sure you can be 100% real with them and they with you. Laugh and play pranks on one another. Joke about the time you did something adventurous together. Your friends need to be not only a great support system but also a way of letting off some steam. They will be a very important part of your life. And above all make sure they let you be you. The greatest tragedy in this world is for you not to be authentic. To not be true. Let your goof ball shine bright. It might not be for everyone, but the ones who get it will be right there with you.

Peace, Love and Oddball tendencies
<3

What Do You Do When Even Amazon Thinks You’re An Introvert? 

giphy (1)

So I have a bit of a habit my dear pandas. I like going on Amazon. I actually love it. It’s just  like an oasis of wonderful goodies. Everything that you could possibly desire is on there. Movies, books, electronics and so on. For a long time (since 2004) I’ve had the privilege of calling Amazon my trusted pal. A pal that always knew what I wanted. A pal that would never say anything harsh to me. But certain things have changed. Amazon called me out on something the other day, and I wasn’t too happy about it. In fact I wanted to wage war. Okay, not really but it did kinda hurt my feelings.

After so many years of being you, you start accepting the fact that some things have become your way of life. That you like doing things a certain way. I unfortunately have turned into one of those types of women. The one who needs her space. The one who’s stuck in her ways. Because of this adamant devotion to my ways, I’ve become a bit of a loner. A hermit, if you will.  I think it’s partly due to the fact that all my friends have lives, boyfriends, husbands, and children. So, they don’t have time to hang out as much as we used to. In fact they can’t even be bothered to text a girl back.

And then there’s me. Someone who doesn’t have a boyfriend, who doesn’t go out (rarely) because she’s broke, who works and then comes home to write. It’s a pretty lonely existence really. I sometimes do want to cry because of how alone I actually am. But I brush it off and carry on about my day. Sometimes I think I just need to go out there and meet new friends, maybe even settle with someone. But to be perfectly honest, people annoy me. Well, most of them. In regards to finding a man in this haystack of a city, well it’s like finding a grain of sand on Antarctica.  And personally, I don’t want to find someone just to ‘settle’ down. No woman should settle. Or to find someone so you don’t have to be lonely any more. If you don’t like your own company for days at a time then I’m sorry to say but, there’s something seriously wrong with you. You know who you are. I’m talking to the ladies who seem to always have  boyfriends one after another. Just take a break would you! Get to know the real you without anyone there.

Anyway, there you have it, my hermit ways have been exposed. But I would like to think that it’s circumstance that brought me to this current predicament and not my character per say. I do love being by myself, but I do remember a time when I was with people everyday. It was like I couldn’t be by myself. Somewhere along the line things happened and I somehow turned into this woman. I was fine with it all until Amazon called me an introvert.

Introvert

You see the above image? This was the recommendation under “New For You”!

An introvert? Me? No way. It’s one thing to be a hermit who likes solitude, but to be called an introvert? How would Amazon even know that? What has my purchase history unravelled? Did it give away loner-like tendencies? I did buy some things recently. Like a new kindle, some books, and an Amazon Fire TV stick. But do these justify me being called out by Amazon? So I looked back at my history.

Do those things above suggest I’m a super introvert and need help building confidence? Who knows, maybe it does. (btw, I know I bought some pretty random things) But I’ll tell you one thing. It definitely got me thinking. And before you say anything, I had already checked my browser history and even that didn’t show ‘introvert’ ways. Or maybe it did? Hmm… But then I started digging, researching and as I looked through all the images online, I realised that I was going to have to put my hands up. Amazon was right. I have turned into the biggest introvert known to man. You know why? Because I really wanted to buy this (see below image) so I could wear to parties…

Introvert

…and while scanning the internet, this actually made sense to me…

 

 

introvert

 

 

…and that’s when I realised, I really liked being alone. Yeah sure it’s got it’s drawbacks from time to time. But in general, I like not having to chat with people. I like staying at home with a glass of wine and writing. I like going out and taking photos by myself. So Amazon, I am not upset at you any more. We’re cool. But please next time, can you recommend some awesome spy gear, or like a cool blender? Enough with labelling me. I don’t want to be put in a box. I don’t want to be labelled an introvert, anti-social, fun, or quirky. I just want to be me. (Side note: When I went to Hofstra University in NY the kind kids down the hall labelled me anti-social. That should have been a clue really. Well, they were stupid anyway, okay!)

There’s nothing wrong with being the way you are. And if I’m being completely honest, who wants to be fake at one of those social gatherings anyway. Wouldn’t you rather want to do exactly what made you happy and not be chastised for it? And wouldn’t it be a nicer world if people just understood you and not penalised you for wanted to chill by yourself? So if Amazon wants to call me an introvert, that’s fine by me. After all, I’m the one who’s creating my life, not anyone else. So if I’m okay with being a loner for the time being, then that’s all that matters at the end of the day.

To all my introverts out there…

Peace, love, and enjoying solitude

❤️

We Are Just Strangers With Memories…

IMG_4214

 

This one is a pretty sad quote really. Don’t you think my Pandas? But it’s a quote I can relate to so vehemently that it brings a slight glistening of wetness to my eyeball. It’s just so sad. How can you spend years with someone and then end up being strangers? Someone who once knew what the other’s most precious secrets were. Who knew you down to your very soul.

Most of my ex’s, funnily enough, I happen to still be friends with. I think that says something about me in relation to this quote. It’s like I don’t want to lose that connection with someone who once used to share my bed. Because, simply put, they are the ones who knew me the best. Who saw all my flaws and loved me even still. They knew me better than my closest girlfriends. And I suppose I didn’t want to lose that part of me. I want that reminder of how I was as a person. For with each one I evolved into something else. And as the years went on, I moulded into the lady I am today. Partly, because of the men in my life.

There is one however that I simply can’t be friends with. He hurt me more than I would like to admit or share for that matter. It was a very raw existence where I was an unknown player in an unsolvable game. Yet we have over a year and a half worth of memories between us, binding us. Some were great and others were terrible. We saw each other almost every day in that time frame. You can know a lot about a person if you are with them every single day. You learn things quick. This person now, however, is an unknown soul to me. In my mind he’s floating around aimlessly. Yet I can’t seem to shake the memories away. I wonder sometimes what would happen if we were ever to glance upon the surfaces of our face again. To stare at each other intricately. Even though time and distance grew. I think I might have shed a few tears. Yet despite feeling that, sometimes, there are days where I forget about him completely, almost like it was me, and not Kate Winslet who erased her memory in Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. And then, something out of the blue will jog my memory and suddenly a little glimpse of a smile or the cheekiness in his eyes will remind me that I once had something with this person. That WE, once had something.

I doubt we even would have the same things in common anymore. I guess, we have become two individuals who shared a time together. An intense time. A time that I wasn’t too fond of myself for. A time that will forever be dredged up by my brain cells. A time where I don’t really want to remember the person who I became. But I’m supposed to remember. I see that now. I’m supposed to remember never to be like that again. And I’m definitely supposed to remember to never let someone treat me the way that He did. So let the memories come like a stirred up sea of doom. Let them be churned like Poseidon’s wrath towards Odysseus. It’s a reminder of a life that experienced all shades of a heartless kind of love. It’s a reminder of a life that was lived…

In the end, we definitely did become strangers with memories. 

<3

Sometimes Your Vision of a Potted Plant Oasis Doesn’t Turn Out the Way You Wanted It To…

reality

In May I bought some pots and seeds in the hopes that my balcony would turn out like this…

I envisioned this whole beautiful little nook that I could go out to, as my own place of peace. Like a Zen-like serenity shrine. I wanted to breathe the wondrous smells of the petals up my nostrils. I wanted to sit on my little patio chair, sipping on my juice concoction and bask in the awesomeness that was my green thumb. But the reality was nowhere near my uplifting dreams. Instead, I waited. I did everything that I was supposed to do and as the first buds started coming out I realised that somewhere along the line, these flowers did not want me as their momma.

This is what I got instead….

Potted Plants that didn't grow pretty

You can’t even say they are cute. It’s like I grew plants for some horror movie. I guess my green thumb was not my reality. So now, every time I walk out onto my balcony, I am faced with this mess. Do I get a sense of calm? A sense of wonderful serenity? No! No, I do not. But, I suppose that’s life at the end of the day. The reality is, sometimes when you envision such beauty in your mind, it ends up turning into ugly little fury shrubs. Thanks Life for throwing in reminders every now and then; to keep me grounded and humble. Even if it was in the form of some potted plants.

Oh I’m just joshing folks. I don’t take it that seriously. Sometimes, ugly potted plants happen. It’s really how you roll with the punches. If you can make it a funny situation, then you got life made kids.

And you never know, maybe I’ll try again next year.

Peace, Love and Ugly potted plants
<3

Adding To My Journal Obsession….

Katie Leamon

Hi Pandas! So remember when I said I had a pretty serious obsession about buying random journals? No? Well here’s the post about it. If you just skimmed through it, then you know that my obsession is getting a tad out of control. So I guess it won’t come as too much of a surprise when I tell you that I bought more Journals. Right?

I know, I know, you’re shaking your heads. I would be too. It’s a senseless impulse by. I always try and avoid the art shops and book stores but something came over me the other day. And gasp, I walked into my local art shop and started perusing the journal section. Don’t worry I didn’t buy… a lot. It was like three, okay! Three! I bought THREE new journals! Oh, can someone please just hit me over the head already! Because the really sad thing is, when people will eventually ask me in the near future,’ how are you homeless right now?’ I will have to reply by saying… “I kind of have an addiction… to buying journals.” I mean it’s ridiculous.

Anyway on to what I bought. The first one I saw was by Katie Leamon. I thought the covers were so lovely that I had to buy two.

Aren’t they pretty? She does a whole lot more than journals/notebooks. Take a look at her website. Boy, am I glad I stumbled into that art store the other day. This Katie lady knows how to woo the ladies with some stationery. She has the most amazing things.

Isn’t it just fantastic! You are welcome! Oh and if you want to keep up-to-date with what she’s doing, you can check  her Instagram and Facebook too.

Now going back to my journal shopping…

So as I was about to pay I spotted another journal and in all honesty, it was calling my name! No really. It was saying help, I need a home. How could I ignore such a plea? Such a helpless little ol’ thing that needed a place to call a home. I couldn’t just walk out. No!

Without further ado, my final journal that I bought that day…

Panda Journal

 

It was a panda guys! A geeky panda! It’s like the store new me! Obviously I don’t have to make any other case other than that.

Peace, Love and Journals Galore!
<3