Originally I was going to post a nice little write-up about how my walls came crashing down and how I let someone in and how nice it was and blah blah blah. But in the space of one day things have changed and now I’m going to let some steam out. I will try and keep the swearing to a minimum but if I stick with my truth mantra (always be honest) then the first part of this sentence is bullshit. Anyway, this is the story of the worst thing I could have heard as a reason not to continue dating me. It might seem long, sorry, but keep reading!
I met a man recently. In fact I was praising the fact that he had awakened something inside of me from the initial kiss to not understanding why I never was in a situation where it was the right time and place with someone. Yet I was happy that someone was interested in me. Someone who appeared to be a gentleman.
We met in Cyprus through a friend of mine. He made the first move. He was always initiating everything and let’s not forget to mention that he seemed like the nicest man that I had ever met.Which I know I’ve already said. After the kiss I didn’t think anything of it. But he added me on Facebook the next day. The thing is we both were coming back to England. He was living in Bournemouth and had to finalise some things for his permanent move back to Cyprus. Therefore he was going to be here for a little over a month. I decided to send him a Facebook message to see how the packing was coming along and before I knew it we were talking through Skype. And after a short conversation he ask to meet up at the weekend. Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t have agreed to letting a man, who I hardly knew, stay with me the whole weekend but I decided to say ‘Fuck it’ and do something out of my comfort zone. I was nervous as hell. I didn’t want him to see me naked. To see the loosened skin separating from my non-existent muscles. Truly, I was petrified. But I thought, he pursued me, so he must find me somewhat attractive. On that Friday when he came over, I made a comment in reference to my weight. As all insecure women know, we have to excuse ourselves for some reason. And his response was “Are you crazy? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror. You have a beautiful face. And your smile is amazing. The weight can be fixed if you’re unhappy.” His answer was refreshing. It made me feel a little more at ease. And besides, I reminded myself yet again that this man ran after me.
Him being in London went without a hitch. He was affectionate, attentive, listened, cared, and pretty much all-round great. While we laid in bed on the Saturday he expressed his want for me by saying “Come to Cyprus”. Implying that I should move back there. I just giggled at the thought. At that moment this was just a good time and nothing more. On the last day he asked if I would come down to Bournemouth. Which I said yes to almost immediately. Why not right?! What have I got to lose? If anything my Va-jay-jay was getting a good clear out from all the dust and cobwebs it was harbouring. So it was a win-win situation. I made my ticket for two weeks later.
During those two weeks he called every day. We either skyped or chatted through more conventional methods. He would make comments about my beautiful smile, talk to me about what he was doing,about his family and past experiences. You could say this thing started to develop into something for me. Mainly because this man was doing things that all the others have not done. Which was to simply be there and be open and be present. Therefore by the time it came for me to go to Bournemouth I was a little excited to see him again.
While there, he took good care of me. On Saturday we were driving home from the seaside and he said that if we were in the same country this thing would have worked out between us. I was taken aback. All I asked was “really, you think?” and he said “yes I do.” So as you can imagine when Sunday came rolling along I was, surprisingly, saddened by the whole affair. The departure was torturous. I guess it was the thought of leaving something that I couldn’t see threw. That I will always have to say ‘what if’? What if we were in the same country? In the long run I knew that this man wasn’t for me. But for the moment, I didn’t want it to end. I wanted another few stolen moments with him. As I took a bus back, all the way to London, I cried. Not because I really cared for him, but because feelings had resurface from the depths of my broken soul. I remembered what it was like to be with someone. And a part of me yearned for it just a little longer. I was so moved by all these fucking feelings that I decided to write him a FB message. It simply stated that I had appreciated the way that he treated me. It meant a lot. He somehow made me feel good enough again. But after I clicked the “send” button I somewhat regretted what I said. I opened up too much. Exposed my inner workings to someone who I didn’t really know, to the point of actually letting my vulnerability leak through. So like all idiotic women, I had to send another message. Saying I shouldn’t have been so forthcoming. His only response was “Relax, I’ll call you tomorrow.”
As the next day came slowly around I was uneasy, unsure and very emotional. He called at 9 that evening and he asked if I was alright. I said that I was fine. And he interrupted and said “Because yesterday you seemed really upset.” I grew silent. Carefully selecting my words. “I was just a little emotional because I had a good time. It’s been a long time that I’ve been very closed off. And in the beginning with you I was the same, however something happened and I couldn’t help it. But I’m sorry that I wrote that message on Facebook.” And he said, “No don’t be. It was the nicest thing that I’ve ever received in my entire life.” And for some reason, something inside of me wasn’t feeling 100% with this situation. So I blurted out “Honestly, if we were in the same country, could you have seen this continuing?” And his response was… “Yes and No.” I was like what?! “Ok, why no?” He paused, and said “Well, it’s two things. One, is that you smoke and even though you are in the process of quitting I would ask that you never do it again. And two, (get ready for this one) is your weight.” I froze. I said “Wait a minute. Are you telling me that you wouldn’t continue this because I’m too fat?!” and he said “…Yes”. I was in such shock that I closed the phone.
How does a man have the right to say that to a woman? How does he get to build a woman up, her self esteem raised and her head held high, and then with one sentence render her mute, unworthy and not good enough. This man was basically telling me that I was good enough to fuck, yet not good enough to be in a relationship with. His words cut me. I was already insecure. I was already stressed out by society to look a certain way. He didn’t know what health issues I was going through. He didn’t know anything about me. Yet here he was, telling me that I was unhappy and that I should lose weight. Now, I’ll have you know that this man is no Adonis! So for the life of me I couldn’t understand why he said what he said. Because he for sure, has not found the holy grail of perfection. I think the thing that I questioned the most was, how could a man say and do all these things and then shatter you. I had been with different men all of which let me know their real character from the beginning. This one, I found to be of the worst kind. The one you never see coming.
That whole night I cried, and I couldn’t remember the last time I did that. I even called my friends who consoled me and cried along with me. Because they knew what I’ve been through. And they knew that this was yet another set-back in the world of bullshit dating. The next day I felt sick. I didn’t even want to look at my fat self in the mirror. I couldn’t eat and I left work early. I knew that I had to confront this man. I couldn’t let him off with such a sentence being unchecked. So that evening I called and went on and on for 52 minutes. He kept on apologising. He begged for me to accept his apology and I said no. I didn’t want to have anything to do with someone who was so superficial and had no ambitions in life. I certainly don’t deserve to be treated like that. And if I accepted the apology then I am accepting what he said. And no woman should accept that. He meant what he said. He said I wasn’t attractive but if I lost weight I could be more attractive. I mean what ever happened to the fact that looks will fade? And once they do, what in the fuck will you have to offer? There is so much more to people than how they look. It’s the inner workings that intrigue and fascinate me. Do they make me laugh, can we have deep conversations? Does he quench my soul?
So, what had I learned from all of this? Well, that men (people in general) can be cruel creatures. Sometimes, even though you may have super thick skin, there will come a time when someone will break your defences down and rip out your heart…. again.
At the end of the day, I know that I am a great person, not perfect, but great nonetheless. If the gods or the fairies of this world had intended for all of us to be the same then we would have been created that way. Evolution would have made us all identical. Like fucking sharks or alligators. At the moment I have extra pounds. So what! I accepted him with all his flaws. Why couldn’t he have the courtesy to do the same for me. Why couldn’t he look deeper? Even for a short while! But no, society has made everyone question everything about themselves. And I’m tired of always fearing that I’m not good enough. That I don’t compare to those models who have all the curves in all the right places. I’m tired of the shallowness. I’m tired of Tinder and Badoo. And I’m tired of men and women thinking that words don’t scar, leaving very deep open wounds.
I’m pissed to say the least. I’m slightly hurt but more so pissed. However, I know, as with everything else in my life, I will get over it. I will file this away with the worst of them and move on.
Ladies, we are all beautiful and bring so much to the table. If men can’t see you for you, then they can go fuck themselves. End of story.
Ps- On the bright side, at least I won’t ever have to say “what if” over this asshole. Which is exciting because it’s one more that I can crossed off the list.
<3 <3 <3